T-Shirt Magnate Plots Young Coach's Takeover of Media Universe

Ronald Martinez

Kliff Kingsbury could host the next Oscars! In a designer dress!

Leaked email reveals Kliff Kingsbury to star in a new production by Steven Spielberg! No? Um, would you believe a T-shirt campaign by Stephen Spiegelberg? Yes, really:

Joe [Parker, deputy athletics director, Texas Tech] - Thanks again for lunch. Great to hear how much success you are having. Recap: Redesign masked rider logo- More nod to the Spanish heritage of Llano Estacado. Think the six flags and the image of a masked rider. I suggest you consider allow a test on how the logo works from a design element stand point.

Sure, put up pictures of armed Latinos all over West Texas. Also: duck.

Bring Back Vintage masked rider and double t logo for vintage graphics. This is the most requested art from the TTU fan base that we can not deliver. It would open a whole new world to design..mainly because its flat. The 3-D versions of logos are limiting in terms of design and production. We are missing a flat logo that will sell.

Drawbacks: Flatland punctuation limited to two-period ellipses, lack apostrophes. Like flat logos, they don't fly off in a high wind.

DVD programs- Let me help with the distribution to make it more successful. We can coordinate designs like OU did with its program. When you have time let me know how to get these DVDs of womens BBall at wholesale. I will reissue the 1993 national champion shirt we did and make it a combo.

Wait, they still have DVD's in Lubbock? And Norman? And you use them for what, exactly? Tighter gear-ratios than a LaserDisc?

Kliff- Can rest. We need to craft his image. His agent doesn't give a damn. He has his money. TTU always successful when it works outside normal channel. Normal channel closed down by media outlets.

Look, just because they didn't respond to your DVD, that you "mailed" to them, doesn't mean they're shutting you out. They may just be waiting on the bomb squad. Avoid further bomb squads by not sounding like Faran Tahir in an After-School Special.

Pete Carroll= worked an angle of the Rock and Roll Coach at USC. It was placed. He was seen with Rock and Roll bands & music industry execs.

Yeah, and was last seen leaving the scene of a stolen Heisman Trophy, carried aloft by a large, aquatic bird of prey.

Rumors about Zeus and twinks apparently overstated.

Bill Synder= Works as the wizard. Does more with less. Media loves the wizard angle.

And he knows when to drop the bass.

Mike Leach= the strange one. Offensive genius. Media loved the straight forward answers. He embraced the strange answers with the press and grew his image.

Mike Leach held the strange and straightforward in perfect balance, growing a likeness of himself until he breached time and space to enter the fabled plane of Pullman, Washington. We can do it again!

Phil Jackson- Zen Coach. press loved talking about the Zen approach to basketball coaching.

Because if there's one thing the fans on the Plains will embrace, it's a guy from Montana selling an Eastern philosophy. They might even hold a tree-decorating party with him.

Bear Bryant- Father of coaching. Media loves talking about the "sons of the bear"

Indeed. Like a Colossus, a God. Like a bear god. "Sons of the Bear-God."

I like it. It will appeal to the "Anorexic Sorority Pledges of Gor" crowd.

Tom Landry- The Gentleman. The Hat.

Having a distinctive hat is what distinguished Landry from Bryant, that and the latter never appeared as a fascist in a roman á clef about smoking marijuana in 70's Dallas.

Kliff- We place his nickname..GQ, Hollywood, Swagger..(we talk to him and see what we can place) we need to dial in Kliff's style and hammer it as a the "cool kids" here at Texas Tech.

Cool Kids at Texas Tech I'll buy, but I'm pretty sure GQ already coaches at Okie State (cf., "Man"). "Hollywood, Lubbock" would be a nice counterbalance to "Manhattan, Kansas," and correctly represent the different sorts of women to be found at either location.

But "Swagger" is too close to both a disgraced coach and preacher, both with skank-squelching connotations that nobody wants to contemplate, outside a Norman honky tonk right around closing time, so you might just go with those initials. There's something authentic and primal about them, but I just can't put it into words right now ...

Starting point: if we are going to place KK in the media spotlight. He must be spot on in terms trend & look. That is what we can hang our hat on... I have reached out my friend and owner of Fred Segal LA. http://www.fredsegal.com/ He has dress and made the image of many stars: He has helped style Micheal Jackson, Brad Pitt, Madonna, Ashley Olson, Bruce Willis, The Beatles, Carrie Underwood, Adam Lambert. List goes on.

I GOT IT!!! KLIFF KINGSBURY'S KOOL KIDS! Trademark that sucker, stat!

You know, I can see any of the above celebrities in a dress, maybe not a Fred Segal dress. But I can also see them leading a very spirited parade out of town, in said dress. Rapidly. "KKKK doth teach the torches to burn bright" has potential, in certain contexts.

He's a go to guy for helping read and place the stars image in terms of looks. I sent him Kliff's pics. He said he would help me put Kliff in what on trend for his style...and more importantly body type. If he puts his signature on Kliff, then Kliff also gets introduced to the Hollywood A-list. He will then assign a stylist to Kliff for season review and help.

What fits Kliff's body type? A-line skirt? Empire waist?

Middle point: We hire a branding firm out of LA that specialized in getting our boy on the B-list. We need him to be seen at NY fashion week, some Hollywood events, and the hip scenes around the nation. ( I know we have a firm working the TTU image)

Wait, you do? Have you considered a malpractice suit/staged abduction/exorcism? And what the hell just happened to the A-list?

I suggest we use a firm that specializes in placing people in the scene. I am told there is 3 main firms.

Yes, there is three of them, just as Caesar wrote: "Gaul are divided in 3 parts."

Why? We get B-roll for your normal sport channels. (espn , ABC, ect)

If you dominate these three networks, ESPN, the network that owns ESPN, and the Ectoplasmic Network, who then might stand against you? The Cotton Bowl Ring of Raggadorr is practically yours! ALL YOURS!

Bursts out in MANIACAL LAUGHTER as we SLOW DOLLY OUT. WE SEE the coach BURST INTO BLUE FLAME revealing the SKULL OF BUDDY HOLLY under the skin. -- SMASH MATCH CUT as his EYES become the "BB" in the LUBBOCK COUNTY LINE sign. A BUZZARD lands on it as we DISSOLVE TO --
We ask Under Amour to help with the cost of branding their coach.

Hahahahahahaha! No, that's great. I also told them your heat-pump needs a new compressor. WE MUST REHEAT THIS HOUSE!!!

Middle Point two: I help you get TTU logo and merchandise placed in Music, TV, and Movie.

Placed? In music? Why, the copy almost writes itself:

"In Lubbock, no one can hear your logo ..."

Get me Sigourney Weaver on line 2.

What?

It's a ... it's a kind of phone ...

... damned cool kids.

Goal: to make that logo cool. Love the logo, find out about our team. Its what happened to licensing in the early 90's. I saw it work. Why? you guys are killing it with our fans base. I want to help open the brand to a national fan base. WE WERE ON TRACK in a huge way with MIKE....60 mins ect. We can do it again with Kliff.

Yeah, I can just see Kliff telling a room full of women in maroon that they ought to be his slaves, right before he dashes off to carefully cross out every line about homosexuals in a book on pirates.

Unstoppable.

As is the next part. As in "I won't stop to mock it because it all came pre-mocked":

End point: By year two....I want Kliff on a cover of national magazine. I want him invited to bigger events in LA and NYC. Oscars, Grammys, ect. Everytime he is seen in an unconventional setting....TTU get free advertising. We need this to level the playing field with TEXAS. Also, we can turn the tables on TEXAS. its old, tired, its the Nike to your kids generation.

UA showed us....we are already the team that wears the cool brand in Texas. We can brand as the Hippest school in the game. Swagger on and off the field. It will draw stars to lubbock and the program.

Look, if you keep laughing like that, I'm going to have to call you an ambulance. An Under Armor ambulance, drawn by six black stallions, bell clanging, emblazoned with the famous scene of Kliff Kingsbury, Man of Science, reanimating Taylor Potts with a syringe of Cholula and a gently-used thong poultice.

It was at this point that I realized what we should chisel into Speigelberg's headstone, when the time comes, of course:

I am typing as fast as my mind is thinking

Truer words were never spoke.

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