Barking Carnival Global Enterprises Incorporated: "Thanks for sitting down with us today Mr. Dodds."
Dodds: "Don't mention it."
BC: "Now, we've got a lot to cover, so let's just hop right in. Football: Can you give us some thoughts on where we are?"
DD: "Couldn't be happier. Are we in the midst of a brief rough patch? Sure. But is there anyone I'd want in charge of bringing the program back, more than Mack Brown? No. Is it crazy to suggest otherwise? Of course."
BC: "Are you hearing any grumblings from the fan base? Any from the so called 'big donors'?"
DD: "Of course not. Why?"
BC: "It has been rumored that in light of the 98-3, 92-7, and 88-0 losses at the hands of the Oklahoma Sooners over the past few years, that the time may have come to possibly suggest some changes."
DD: "Why I've never. Look, around here we don't--"
BC: "Oops, almost forgot the 118-2 game of 2016 that set new standards on how we treat head injuries ."
DD: "Whatever. Anyway, a few games here and there don't determine who runs the Texas football program. I do."
BC: "Agreed. However, the program's last bowl appearance was after the now-legendary season of 2012 (which saw the last real dogfight against Oklahoma). And the team hasn't won a game of any kind since the 2017 opener, a 21-20 victory over the newly FBS-christened Lake Travis HS."
DD: "Like I said, a rough patch. And if I could choose one human in the history of humankind to get us back on the right track, Mack Brown would be that human."
BC: "Do you feel like he's earning his new 10 year, $450 million dollar contract?"
DD: "Every penny."
BC: "Great. Let's move on to basketball... For the fifth consecutive season, Texas will field a team entirely of true freshmen. Are you troubled by this trend?"
DD: "Not at all. The game is changing, and we're having to adapt. I feel terrible for Rick Barnes, having to coach in this era."
BC: "But the last four national champions have all started five seniors."
"DD: "Yep, different era."
BC: "And it is now mandatory that all high school seniors spend four years in college before going pro."
DD: "I know. Gotta be tough for Rick. But he is the only man for the--"
BC: "And he's had 26 players over the past five years transfer within three months of arriving on campus. Seven of those have filed assault charges, and most are still in therapy."
DD: "I hear you. Thank goodness we have Rick Barnes to lead us through these tough times."
BC: "Well, let's wrap up with baseball. Augie Garrido showed up to yesterday's game wearing just a diaper."
DD: "I know, right? He's a character."
BC: "Does it concern you that the team is currently 4-36, in light of their nation-leading 0.45 ERA?"
DD: "Nothing concerns me, as long as Augie is sitting in that dugout."
BC: "Are you concerned with the performances of new co-hitting coaches Connor Rowe and Tim Maitland?"
DD: "We had two hits yesterday. What more do you want out of life?"
BC: "Touche. Thanks for sitting down with us today Mr. Dodds."
DD: "Don't mention it Mr. Nordberg. Congrats on the success of your company."
BC: "Wish I could say the same."