"Hi everybody, and welcome to the 1st annual LHN awards. I'm your host for the evening, Bill LIttle."
"Whoa whoa there, save some for everyone else!"
(wild laughter... dies down approximately 90 seconds later...)
"OK let's go ahead and get things started... To present the first 'Hornie' Award, welcome back former coach and associate athletic director, Cleve Bryant! Cleve Bryant.... (realizing)... presenting a Hornie Award. No wait this isn't righ--"
"Hi everyone, I'm back! Now, the first award of the evening is Best College Football team. And the nominees are... The Texas Longhorns".
"OK, and the winner is.... The Texas Longhorns!"
Little returns to the stage. "And as with every award this evening, I will be accepting on the winners' behalf. Now, to present the award for Best Basketball Player in the World, please welcome the voice of the LHN, Mister Kevin Dunn!"
"HI everyone, great to be here. And the nominees for Best Basketball Player in the World are, Jevan Felix" (applause) "Johnathan Holmes" (applause) "Cameron Ridley" (applause) "Prince Ibeh" (applause) "Ioannis Papapetrou" (applause) "Demarcus Holland" (applause) "Connor Lammert" (applause) "Julian Lew--- wait he's still here right? Yes? Ok, Julian Lewis then" (applause)
"And the winner is.... (sigh)... all of them. They all won." (Dunn dejectedly hands the award for Best Basketball Player in the World to Little, and is then escorted from the stage)
"Ok we only blocked off five minutes of time for this so that we don't interrupt the sixth showing of the softball match against Lamar from a few weeks ago, so let's hurry things up.... Alright let's see here.... (shuffling through envelopes)... Best basketball coach at a Central Texas University with Longhorns as a mascot, and the winner is Rick Barnes... do dee do dee do, what else, what else.... Ok, Best Hitting Coach in the World, Tommy Nicholson... Best MMA Fighter in the World, winner is Caleb Jones.... Best Football Coach in the World, hahaha like I need to read that one.... what else, what else.... Oh here's a good one, Best Offensive Lineman in the World. And here to present it is Texas legend and current LHN commentator, Ricky Williams!".
"Hey everyone. And the nominees for Best Offensive Lineman in the World are, and for Christ's sake please hold your applause... Mason Walters, Dom Espinosa, Trey Hopkins, Donald Hawkins, and Josh Cochran. And the winner is.... (looks at Little off stage)... I can't read this."
"Haha, sure you can Ricky."
"No Bill, I really don't think I c--"
"(sighing)... Ok, the winner is... all of us. That's right. We're the winners, because we're able to watch all of these guys play every Saturday. Seriously, that's what the card says. (turns card around) Look for yourself if you don't believ--"
"Ok thanks Ricky. Well, that just about does it for the 1st Annual LHN Awards! See you Wednesday for number two!"
(wild applause... which is eventually turned off by Little, unplugged, and taken to the trunk of his car)
(endless promos of the event begin airing the second you finish this sentence)