Monday Montage

USA TODAY Sports

Stuff happened last week. We bring you up to date.

Bad news, Carnival-goers. The Editors cancelled the Monday Round-Up.

I know, I know. Dicks, right? "Why would the stuffed shirts at BCHQ cancel such a cherished weekly (ish) feature?" you ask. Well here's your answer, straight from the official editorial communique: "Unacceptable lack of titular alliteration."

I hate to admit it, but the suits are right. "Monday Round-Up" indisputably lacks phonetic repitition. So we scrapped the whole thing and went back to the drawing board. Several all-nighters later, we finally framed out a concept for a weekly (ish) feature that management could get behind:

...drumroll please...

...the Monday Montage!

This all-new feature combines everything you loved about the Monday Round-Up with the kind of simplistic, repetitive title our readers crave. The grueling development process set us back a week, however, and now we have some catching up to do. So lace up, batten down, and strap on: this is going to be a bumpy ride.

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In pro football news, New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez is spending the off-season practicing the pistol offense.

The wife and daughter of Hernandez's college coach, Urban Meyer, tweeted their opinion: Hernandez's criminal behavior is a failure of personal responsibility. If only some sort of authority figure in AHern's past could have taught him personal responsibility through tough discipline and difficult life lessons...

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In un-pro futbol news, a Brazilian referee lost his head, stabbed a confrontational player, and then, um... literally lost his head. No, seriously. Some dudes actually cut the referee's head off. This incident has officially propelled Brazilian amateur soccer games to second on the list of the world's goriest peacetime events, just ahead of Dothraki weddings but still lagging 4th of July weekend in Chicago.

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Apparently, Anderson Silva didn't get the memo about the Brazilian decapitation trend. Silva decided to clown around, apparently hoping to lure opponent Chris Weidman into making a mistake. It didn't work, and Silva got his ass knocked clean out.

Possible names for Silva's failed take on Ali's famous "rope a dope" strategy include "mock and get clocked," "joke and choke," and "clown and go down." But "act like a cocky idiot within striking range of an undefeated professional ass-kicker, and get your smug fucking face bashed in" has a nice ring to it, too.

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Pundits continue to preempt Mack Brown's use of the "inexperience" canard in the event of continued Longhorn mediocrity. This time, the fine folks at EA Sports weigh in, giving the 2013 Virtual Longhorns a clear talent edge over their Big XII opponents. At this point, the only thing still standing between Texas and a Big XII title is the Cotton Bowl's feared 10 mph wind gusts.

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This one's from the "Grown men as sorority bitches" file. Don't ever let your kids play Lacrosse.

From: Coach Maddux
To: Ryan's Parents

What? Is this a joke? This will be a decision that Ryan regrets for a long time. I doubt it is his decision though. I know it is you trying but failing to control the situation. I will speak to coach Bordley and colleges coaches immediately and make sure they know they are getting a quitter who is ungrateful and soft who can't take criticism. You have taken advantage of me and madlax and now you are doing a huge diservice to your son. I am hurt and angry. You have no clue how this lacrosse world works. Wow. You have really screwed him. And by the way it is a big deal and I will let every one of his teammates know. His teammates will hate him for years for quitting and playing for a rival club. Trust me on that.

And it goes even further:

Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: MADLAX IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH RYAN IF HE FUCKING SUCKS, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, HE FUCKING SUCKS SO FAR.

Okay, he didn't really say that. But would anyone put it past Coach Maddux to threaten a cunt punt?
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Have you recently come across a zany news story you would like to see covered in the Monday Montage? Send a URL link to the story via e-mail to vasherized@holidaysweaters.biz. Please include a urine sample and indicate your willingness to frame loved ones for petty crimes committed by Barking Carnival contributors and associates.

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