We are excited to welcome you back to Longhorns, Inc. We are confident that you will be a great addition to our dynamic and fast-paced organization in your new position of Tele-Coach (Defensive Coordinator).
Longhorns, Inc. takes pride in our reputation as the nation's greenest Athletic Department - both in terms of dollars AND in environmental sustainability. We have designed a number of our Coaching positions to cut down on harmful carbon emissions, as well as to reduce the stress and anxiety so often associated with results-oriented environments. Our previous Strength and Conditioning Coach mailed in his work for over a decade, and our Tight Ends Coach has been phoning in his contributions since 2006. We believe that remote-location Tele-Coaching is the next logical step in this exciting trend.
Of course, even a relaxed and positive environment like Longhorns, Inc. has some important job requirements! Our HR department has put together this useful Tele-Coaching Handbook to help you get started in your new role. Please take a moment to review this Handbook before next week's kickoff.
Introduction: Tele-Coaching and Who Tele-Coaches
Tele-commuting has been described as the wave of the '90's, the wave of the '00's, and the wave of the future - and that's exactly right! Tele-commuting and tele-coaching are perfect for family caregivers, pajama aficionados, and anyone committed to keeping the 'life' in work-life balance. They are also natural fits for the aged, the infirm, the morbidly obese and for those who have been drummed out of multiple successive positions.
While some companies don't regard tele-workers as fully committed to their jobs, at Longhorns, Inc. we are confident in your ability to 'lean in' to your career wherever you are. In fact, we believe that you'll 'lean in' so far that you'll be virtually bent over against opponents like Oklahoma, Oklahoma State and Baylor!
It can be natural for some tele-workers to feel insecure in their relationship with their superiors due to a lack of 'face time'. We want you to feel confident in knowing that your supervisor, Mack Brown, has personally helped to design some onboarding programs to ensure your success, which you will find in the Appendix to this Handbook:
Success Training Orientation Procedures: Goals And Performance
From Any Location: Leading, Generating Unparalleled Yield
We hope that the S.T.O.P.G.A.P. and F.A.L.L.G.U.Y. programs are strong indicators of your importance to the organization.
Your primary job responsibility will be the coordination of the Longhorns, Inc. defensive unit. Your predecessor was responsible for setting several Longhorns, Inc. single-game and full season defensive records, so those are some big shoes to fill.
But don't worry! Our CEO understands that good defense is about the basics - forcing turnovers, limiting explosive plays, tackling, and playing good. We're confident that with a series of simple diagrams and three 20-minute tele-sessions a week, you can instruct your defensive charges in whatever mysterious, causative elements lead to those exciting outcomes.
Managing Work-Life Boundaries
One of the primary benefits to tele-communting in any industry is the opportunity to work in a soothing, comfortable setting - your home!
Even though our crack technical staff should have installed the camera on your Tele-Coaching unit to capture video from the waist up, we do ask that you wear pants for all meetings with your players and defensive staff. Of course, your counterpart on the offensive side of the ball didn't keep HIS pants on around Longhorns, Inc. staff, so go ahead and do what you feel on this one.
Results-oriented organizations have long been at odds with the tele-commuting concept. At Longhorns, Inc. we have a different perspective. Our research has shown that results-oriented organizations are strongly associated with stress, unpleasant conversations and potentially adversarial performance reviews. We believe that removing time-consuming process orientation AND stressful results orientation from our business environment are the keys to our consistent ranking as college football's Best Place to Work. We hope that you'll agree.
In closing, we'd like to congratulate you again and welcome you to the Longhorns, Inc. family. We're confident that your ephemeral presence on a Moncrief-Newhouse video screen will help make our defense the best in the business - and at Longhorns, Inc., our motto is that business always comes first.