The Texas Pregamer: Ole Miss Rebels

The Texas Pregamer limps back into Austin with a little help from Red Cup Rebellion. Warning: They have a bear.

Ole-miss-mast

Fight or flight?

Well folks, it’s reassuring to see that even when we’re knocked down early, we can come back with a vengeance and win big. A daunting out-of-conference game and Big XII schedule lies ahead, and as the prohibitive favorite, teams will be gunning to upset us. Our team is full of veterans though, so there’s no doubt that we will RISE to defend our National Championship.

That’s right. After back-to-back wins against the #1 and #2 teams in the country, our Texas Women’s Volleyball team is up to the challenge. Haley Eckerman, Khat Bell, and Bailey Webster were excellent this weekend, and the Lady Horns’ confidence is surging as we approach the matchup with Arizona State. Be sure to check in on game day for play by play here at the Texas Pregamer: Home of Texas Volleyball. Click Clack. Swish Swish.

Sigh.

This isn’t actually a volleyball article, although maybe it should be. Lennay Kekua, thy name is Texas Football. We spent the past week loving you, adoring your beautiful, explosive offense and suffocating defense. We admittedly ignored the warning signs – we never did actually see your zone read defense work in person. But even that nagging doubt housed in our brain between the amygdala (emotions) and hippocampus (brain word) wasn’t enough to convince us of your duplicity, or rather your nonplicity. In sports, as in fictitious internet paramours, there will always be heartbreak. And as we all know, the quickest way to get over heartbreak is a short term rebound. So go ahead Greg Robinson, buy us a bucket of Shiner and tell us we’re beautiful. Stand in line for us at Franklin’s and convince that bouncer you know at The Blind Pig to let us skip the line. We’ll even put out a little. Let’s just get this over with so the real healing can begin.

Editorial aside: Way to go Ladies. Thanks for representing our University to the highest level.

Entertainment

So... The LHN could have picked a better week to introduce their new Director’s Chair:

Directors-chair-of-misery


CAN THE EMPIRE STRIKE BACK?

But enough of our woes dear reader, gather around and I shall tell you a story that happened a short time ago in an athletic department not so far away:

A black shuttle ominously approaches Belmont Hall. Out steps EMPEROR DODDS. Flanked by the elite ESPN Red Guard, he walks down a darkened hallway. But wait - that's no ordinary office walkway - it's the entrance to a LHN battle station!

Kneel-sm

The Emperor approaches a cadre of his minions sitting around a conference table. His most valuable commander, DARTH BROWN, rises from his signature crouch squat to stand at attention.

"My Emperor, we were not expecting you," he says.

Dark-helmet

"It is what it is, Darth Brown," replied the Emperor. "I have come to oversee the final preparations of this LHN Battlestation."

One of Darth Brown’s many admirals approaches. The emperor turns to address him.

"Ah. Admiral Diaz. Inform us of the newly installed defensive parameters."

"Certainly, Emperor Dodds. We have established a defense so intricate, there is no way anyone will be able follow its movements."

"Most excellent news. But what if the Ole Rebels are able to sneak through our first line of defense? Do we have safeties in place?"

Stormtrooper-defense

"My lord, if I may: once the LHN is fully operational, there will be no need for safeties." He turns toward Darth Brown. "Your sad devotion to ancient beliefs like fundamentals and clapping has not helped you conjure up a 10 win season."

"I find your lack of claps disturbing," growls Brown as he begins to clap. Slowly at first, and then into a cascading roar of positivity. It’s too much for Admiral Diaz, who falls to the floor convulsing.

Choke-diaz

"Remove him and promote Commander Robinson to his post."

"But sir!" proclaims a faceless lieutenant. "Wouldn’t Rear Admiral Akina---"

"Do I need to clap again?"

"Nossir. All hail The Joneses."

Brown turns from the gathering and heads for his office. Once inside he turns to see a glowing spirit of a man. It’s OBI D KAYROYAL, his longtime friend and advisor.

"Darth Brown. You were the chosen one. How could you let things slide so?"

"You’re wrong. I’ve become more powerful than you could ever imagine. The contracts, the facilities, the recruiting. I am the master now."

"Only the master of money, Darth. But there’s still time. Come back to the light side, become what you were always meant to be - a good man and a great coach."

Darth Brown looks conflicted. Suddenly, the conversation is cut short as the OLE MISS REBEL ALLIANCE TAILGATE warps into the parking lot outside, BO SKYWALLACE at the helm and Angry Marine Guy riding co-pilot.

Bo-skywallace

The End?

Guest-redcup

Why The Bear

by Red Cup Rebellion

In 2003, Ole Miss dropped the Colonel Reb mascot for being too "celebrating the Civil War-y" for the university's hopefully more modern image. In 2011, Rebel the Black Bear was introduced as the new Ole Miss mascot after a vote among the student body left for few other viable options. Sadly, the viral Admiral Ackbar for mascot campaign failed, as did the "please, can we just not have a mascot altogether" push.

It could be that, in William Faulkner's novella "The Bear," a group of men led by Isaac McCaslin spend years tracking a gargantuan black bear named "Old Ben" in the woods of north Mississippi. Old Ben is widely feared, and thought of as nearly immortal, having survived several attempts at its life. When Boon Hoggenbeck, an uncivilized drunk, finally kills Old Ben, McCaslin is humbled by the death of the mighty beast, and turns to eschewing material possessions and living a simpler life. To him, the death of Old Ben was the death of the American wilderness by-and-large as wrought by man's greed, stupidity, and selfishness. He remembers Old Ben as embodying an powerful and enriching freedom that is so quickly forgotten by men in the pursuit of influence and wealth. In that sense, Faulkner's bear represents a ferocious, rebellious spirit that hopefully our athletics teams can embody in competition.

Or, it could be that the athletics department wanted a way to market Ole Miss to children, and selling officially licensed teddy bears is pretty damn easy way to do that. You pick.

Bear-love

Newswire

BIRMINGHAM, Alabama: Nick Saban sat alone in the corner booth. Draped in darkness, he slowly sharpened a rusty shiv. No reason in particular.

LANSING, Michigan:
"I'm going to be right in the middle of you!," Izzo said. "Come on guys! I love you! I love you! Thank you so much for doing this! And you adults over there, all you adults, same thing! You adults, you better get out of here! It's coming right over here! It's coming, and it's coming fast. Thank you so much. You're the greatest fans in America, and I love you!"

I wonder if Mrs. Izzo gets the same kind of treatment.

LUBBOCK, Texas: Did you know they are STARTING A TRUE FRESHMAN WALK ON at QB? Cause we didn’t. Apparently they are STARTING A TRUE FRESHMAN WALK ON AT QUARTERBACK. That would be big news for the press and media folks to tell us, if Tech was STARTING A TRUE FRESHMAN WALK ON AT QUARTERBACK.

Trivia

Better Know A Rebel Roster:

  • Amon'Ta Coffee (OL): I’m inta coffee, too ‘mon. One Love.
  • Only two the following are real people. Can you spot the fake?
    • Quadarias Mireles (DB)
    • Quintavius Burdette (DB)
    • Quentin Compson (Narrator)
  • Tyler Mt. Joy (OL): "His middle name is Mountain?? This changes everything!" - Dan Isthmus Jenkins
  • John-Patrick Sherling (LB): We’re on a slippery slope here: if one unnecessary hyphen is ok, why not two? Why not five? WHERE DOES IT END??
  • Ja-Mes Logan (WR): Ja----Mes << SEE WHAT WE’RE TALKING ABOUT HERE??
  • Billy Busch (LB): Literally related to the Busch (BEER) family. Actually had to do some legwork on that one. Journalism, bitch.
  • Korvic Neat (WR): Since we here at the Pregamer never graduated from Dirty Sixth, this could very well be a Scotch order and we’d never know.
  • Chris Kiffin (Recruiting Coordinator (wink wink)): secretly enjoys the fact that he is currently the most successful Kiffin sibling. That’s little brother for you.

Sponsors

CHIP ON YOUR SHOULDER

All week you will hear how Bo Wallace, once spurned by Texas, enters the game with a chip on his shoulder. With that in mind, we’re pleased to announce the Texas Pregamer Shoulder Chips Emporium. For $5 you can have an officially recognized chip on your shoulder. Please submit requests and PayPal payments to TexasPregamer@gmail.com. Expect to receive your chip in 4-6 weeks.


Chip-chart


This is not a binding legal contract. Chips are metaphorical and physical receipt should not be expected. Thanks for the five bucks.

Weekly-forecase

VY Pump Fake:

The herp-derp sherpa, a winning game plan.

Daily Hexan:

Old Gregg turns back time, completely turns the defense around, holds Ole Miss to 53 total yards, and Texas wins 77-0. (Someone’s gotta be optimistic)

TejasChaos:

Ash is likely out. Daje too. A completely different kind of coach is calling the D. I’m pinning my hopes on a mix of Ewing Theory, "nobody believed in us" mentality, and the Disney TV pilot I already wrote. We ride the emotion of the moment to to this years version of 27-25. A guy can dream right?

Jprizzle:

I think I’m going to get really into soccer.

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