Casey Football.

Make the $-fingers, Case. You're so close! - Erich Schlegel

Lincoln : Kennedy :: McCoy : Manziel

Look, I'm not a goddamned soothsayer. I can't manage your portfolio. I'm not here with some pro tips. And I don't always know when to fold them.

But I've been known to read a tea leaf or two. And I know what 2 and 2 make. Or 2 and 6.

Folks. Throttle down your alarm, K? I tend to think Mike Lowrey going to be alright, and here's why.

Because Casey Football. We has it.

I know! I can see you're going to need some convincing.

That's okay...

Buckle your seatbelt, hoss, I'm about to break you off some universal star alignment the likes of which you haven't supped upon since you found out John Wilkes Booth killed Abraham Lincoln in Ford's Theatre, then ran into a warehouse, while Lee Harvey Oswald killed John Kennedy in a Lincoln which was made by Ford, then ran into a theatre from a warehouse.

Yeah. I think you're picking up what I'm putting down. You're mowing what I'm growing.

FACT

Both McCoy and Manziel were born in the 1990s, attended high school in the 2000s, and are currently in college--right now--in the 2010s.

This gives me chills even just thinking about it.

[dramatic beat]


Do I even need to go on? I mean, do I have to draw you a picture?

I can see I need to draw you a picture.

FACT

Johnny has troublesome lackeys surrounding him like Uncle Nate.

Casey has troublesome lackeys surrounding him like Aunt Shelby.

FACT

Case McCoy had to overcome, among many other things, the legacy of his brother to establish himself as a big time, celebrity college quarterback.

Johnny Manziel had to overcome, among many other things, the skepticism of a brother to establish himself as a big time, celebrity college quarterback.

FACT

Johnny Football can't beat his dad at golf.

Mack Brown can't golf without Casey Football's dad. Or conduct practice without Casey Football's dad. Or make sweet love to his wife without Casey Football's dad popping out of a bowl of rice to give Mack "an idea of what I'm seeing, you know, Coach to Coach".

FACT

To win the starting job, Casey Football had to carpetbag off the injuries of withstand the challenges of a player named David, a player so dependably vanilla he makes coaches fall asleep.

To win the starting job, Johnny Football had to get suspended almost transfer before getting Deus ex-machina'd withstand the challenges of a player named Davis, who sleeps coaches.

FACT

Both Johnny Football and Casey Football come from Texas families with reputations for doing things that are either straight-up illegal, or annoying as shit.

FACT

J-Footy spent his summer managing hydration issues and avoiding football things in Louisiana.

C-Footy spent his summer avoiding football things and managing hydration issues in Peru.

FACT

While in the tender time between games, rumors trailed Johnny about ALLEGEDLY following in the tradition of early American forefather John Hancock, leaving his mark on items for all the world to see.

While in the tender time between games, rumors trailed Casey about ALLEGEDLY following in the tradition of latter-day American forefather Bill Clinton, leaving his mark on items for all the seed to whirl.

FACT

Johnny beat his school's bitter rival in the first game they ever played against each other that mattered a bit. Ten Month Scoreboard Is Ten Months.

Casey beat his school's bitter rival in the last game they ever played against each other that mattered a bit. Now try to spell Eternal Scoreboard Pwnage without D-E-R-P. You can't. Science.

FACT

Both spent their childhoods dreaming of starring at quarterback for the University of Texas, delighting fans of the state's premier institution all across the great and sovereign Republic, filling up highlight reels and peeling off wins like so many $20s in the act of rain-making.

Sadly, neither Football's dream lived long enough to come to fruition. Just like Johnny Fuckin' Kennedy. Or Abe Fuckin' Emancipation.

Anyway, I know you're making these connections now. You're seeing what I'm seeing. And I hope you're feeling as much relief as I am.

We clearly have nothing to worry about. I mean, wouldn't you feel confident about beating Old Mississippi if Johnny Football was lining up at QB1 for Texas?

Well, science/magic/history has proven that we have basically, more or less, the exact same fate awaiting us on Saturday night. The burden of proof is on anyone to establish the opposite.

And aside from that, how'd you enjoy the game, Mrs. Brown?

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