I BEEN TWERKIN ON THE RAILROAD

Douglas C. Pizac-US PRESSWIRE

Like most of us on Saturday, the Longhorn offense blacked-in right before halftime with a serious case of whiskey dick. But fear not for next week: Provo is dry.

Like most of us on Saturday, the Longhorn offense blacked-in right before halftime with a serious case of whiskey dick.

Contrast this with BYU's woes last Saturday, when their offense was cancelled on account of rain. Now, I don't pretend to know if that's a case of turning water into whine, but I do know that the BYU offense was supposed to be a hurry-up spread; just like ours, only more sexually frustrated. Looking at last year's Longhorn defensive stats, the new-look Cougars must have anticipated that getting yards on Texas would be as easy as stealing dry goods from dead settlers. That you just killed. While dressed as an Indian. But now, who knows? The outcome of next Saturday's game is as unknowable as the face of God, and twice as terrifying.

Here's what they know about us:

Who are the Texas Longhorns? Texas is one of the most storied college football programs of all time. They have won 16 national championships, the most recent being in 2005.

Sure, if they're counting in dog-championships or in base-π these days in Provo, but I am beginning to like these Texas Longhorns of whom you speak, Earthman. Tell me about their opponents!


Bronco Mendenhall may be the manliest name on Earth, but ... :

Look, I don't want to make fun of people's names (we have local journalists who take care of that for us), but if there is a manlier name in football, do not speak it, or every woman who reads this blog will be pregnant tomorrow. Yes, both of them!

Bill Little does the Spread:

If you want to know what 56 unanswered points, scored by a spread tempo offense, looks like through the eyes of Bill Little (like a fly trapped in amber or a Belgian immured in mayonnaise) go read. For the Taiwanese animated version, go here.

One of the more intriguing elements of the new UT running game has to do with ... SQUIRREL!!!

There, but for the grace of [REDACTED] go I:

This. This is worth quoting at length. Because Greg Davis doesn't coach here anymore.

Any assessment of an offensive performance has to start with the coaching. There were a few calls I thought were questionable, especially the deep pass on the third and one play at the end of the third quarter that I already wrote about. Offensive coordinator Greg Davis did a good job at mixing up the plays. The Hawkeyes ran the ball 43 times and threw the ball 37 times. Issues weren’t about how much Iowa ran or threw the ball; they were more about when they ran or threw the ball.

Sound familiar? That used to be you, every Sunday. I don't hate Iowa, but reading that coming from another school is like seeing an old girlfriend 30 lbs. heavier working at MacDonald's. Yes! Not my problem!

Northern Illinois 30 - Iowa 27.

Never you mind this:

Someone drew a flag just for being a jerk. Nice. But what I want to see is Bad Lip Reading's take on Johnny Wrist-Slap singing to himself during warmups. Anybody else catch that? And WTH was he practicing his punting, anyway?

Schadenfreude:

If you remember this, or even this, then you'll love this. Feel that? That tingling you're feeling? That is as much fun as Longhorn fans will have at Kansas State's expense EVER. You're welcome.

Dessert:

Every Big XII team needs LSU on the schedule, so that our teams and/or coaches can me immortalized like this.

THERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SOME MORE STUFF HERE BUT I'M STILL WAITING ON THE POLICE NO I'M NOT JOKING.

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