Longhorn Athletics Beer Sales: Examining the Pros and Cons

Ryan Pierse

Texas Athletics enters a new era of drunkenness.

According to multiple sources, Texas will begin selling beer tonight at the Lady Longhorns basketball game. Expect rioting later tonight at Whole Foods and a Subaru Outback wrapped around a telephone pole on Red River.  Beer sales will also commence at UT Men's Basketball, Baseball and Softball games and, eventually, if all goes according to plan, in the Fall at UT Football games.

While most sensible binge drinkers welcome the opportunity to quaff overpriced mediocre beer at our favorite sporting events, there are some pros and cons to consider...

Pros

Texas fans will no longer pour into the alumni center at halftime for their alcohol fix and, enticed by air conditioning, couches and available televisions, fail to return to the game.  This will severely limit the networking opportunities for mortgage broker golf pricks wearing concho belts.  A win for society.

Beer sales aid drunkenness and drunkenness aids fan boisterousness.  Science, there.  Finally, our Softball diamond can become the sort of vicious road environment we've long fantasized about - blocky girls on the opposing team are about to enter a criticism session the likes of which were last seen during Mao's Cultural Revolution.

Texas Athletics will make more money!  That's the reason we follow these teams.  So that we can drive revenue maximization for an enterprise that takes us for granted.

Foul balls and errant passes now have a reasonable chance of hitting carelessly clutched beers, baptizing the unwary drinker in an explosion of foam and hops.  This is immensely visually satisfying and additional points are earned if it's one of the ancient frowning folded arms types who populate the first four rows of the Erwin Center.   NOW I'M WET AND BEER STINKY AND I'M SCOWLING EVEN MORE.  ERRRR.

Cons

More alcohol means more alcohol-related incidents, ranging from Come At Me Bro fights, DUI checkpoints with handy ATM machines, to inexplicably urinating oneself during a dramatic goal line stand.  Does this really belong in the cons?

More alcohol means a 29% increase in the guy who sits next to you decrying every play call, remarking that David Ash just isn't a natural winner and excoriating the defense for allowing a 6 yard completion on 3rd and 14.  However, more alcohol means that this fan is 21% more likely to get liver punched.  Life is about trade-offs.

Some members of the faculty will issue a statement decrying the sale of alcohol and, if it must be sold, bemoaning our failure to sell organically sustainable, minority-owned, craft, saliva-based betel nut beers obtained through fair trade with proud indigenous peoples.  I'm looking at you, McCombs School Of Business Management Information Systems Department.

UT Athletics will ruthlessly exterminate game-day bootlegging - the natural right of all young Texans seeking inebriation and eventual bouncy-bouncy with their dates.  Students and young alumni will be cavity searched for alcohol and Jim Beam sniffing dogs will attack the flask in your Redwings like it's a squirrel bathed in gumbo.  For maximal hygiene during this cavity archaeology, bring your own speculum covers. Conveniently sold with a Longhorn logo for a reasonable $18.

The beer sold probably won't be Sam Adams, Pliny The Elder and Sierra Nevada.  I'm guessing Coors Light.  Or whoever else writes us the biggest check.  Still, $2 an ounce for mainstream beer seems reasonable.  With four tickets, a Foundation contribution, four beers, parking and a few hot dogs and nachos, a middle class family can enjoy a Texas Longhorns football game from the 5 yard line upper deck against a unappealing Big 12 opponent for the bargain price of $750!  That's Longhorn-tainment!

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