Wet Blanket Texas Chancellor Cockblocks DKR Beer Sales

Oli Scarff

A special editorial from Barking Carnival intern Corey.

Corey does not represent the views of Barking Carnival, Vox Media, cat owners and most people who watch PBS.

**

Holy shit.  Significant matters have come to my attention.

Cockblock chancellor Francisco Cigarroa has banned beer and alcohol sales at DKR after Steve "Good Times" Patterson (Sig Ep, 1982) tried to allow them, knowing that we would have classic times if we could maintain our buzz without having to smuggle booze in our sweaty taints anymore.

I am distraught by these events and happenings.  For example, why can I not drink if I'm capable of being drafted and asked to fight for my country against our enemies, all foreigners?

I'm a grown man of 20.  I have 65 credits at Texas and ACC, volunteer Adopt-A-Highway (shout out to Rundberg Lane) and I have been refunded several of my apartment security deposits.  Yet still I am treated this way by "those in charge."

Secondly, who is Francisco Cigarroa?  What is this chancellor?

I looked on the TABC website while knocking out community service for my MIP from South Padre last Spring Break (epic times; shouts out to Albino Buddha, Stankyfinger and Bryce) where I also received a manageable social disease. Cigarroa - nowhere to be found.  Dude is ghost protocol.  My point is, Cigarroa does not work for TABC, nor is he governor.

Did I elect this man?  Why is he taking away a man's right to choose?  Are these classic Nazi Cold War tactics?

Third of all, you cannot stop me.  I, Corey, will get shit-faced from many pre-party beers and Jim Beam flasks and cheer the Longhorns.  Is it that the "powers-that-be" are worried I will urinate myself and throw AA batteries at the opponents?  I may do so. But it is my right of America.

I would like to have a few brews, take off my shirt to soak in rays, invite special ladies to the gun show (been eating modified paleo) and rock my aviators like Mav in the beach volleyball scene in the old classic movie Top Gun when he's all "Oh, damn I have a date with my hot instructor, I'm out" - cue motorcycle scene - and when he gets there he's like "Listen, I'm just gonna use your shower - cook me food" and she's pissed and then he eats her food and porks her. Gorgeous, brilliant female aeronautical engineers love a take-charge man.

You see my point.

Fourth of all, Ciga-downer says we need to gather more data on alcohol.

Here's the data, you Spaniard: Alcohol makes things fun.  It's the bouncy castle of beverages.  Cockblocking chancellors are not fun.  They're the John Wayne Gacy of children's birthday parties.

I've said my piece.  I have been both very respectful and super-compelling.  The ball is in your court, Chancellor Cockblock.

Cordially,

Corey Schopenhauer

Honors Communications

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