Barking Carnival

Vigorously massage them with all your might.
On the Republican side of the aisle, Governor Mike Huckabee lashed back over the weekend by capitalizing on the ineradicable discontent amongst conservative voters by easily winning in Kansas and Louisiana.
Senator McCain will remain the inevitable nominee. The Huckabee victories are unsurprisingly minimized by the vast […]

“Don’t blame the American people! Blame the Democratic Party leadership. Terry McAuliffe is an idiot.” – Zack Exley, 2002
“I ought to be left alone; I’m not doing money anymore. I’m not involved in any campaigns. My wife and I decided I don’t want to do it anymore.” — Terry McAuliffe during federal […]

The United States Sentencing Commission voted to reduce the mandatory sentencing guidelines for crack cocaine. Even though crack is the same substance as cocaine, sentences levied for crack were 100 times more stringent than offenses involving powdered cocaine. These laws were conceived back when Ronald Reagan was rapidly devising new ways to get […]

The first part of the bird’s nest has been unwound.
The USA Today Coaches’ Poll has Ohio State and LSU playing for the national championship.
Ohio State has 46 first place votes. LSU has 11 first place votes followed by OU with two and Hawaii with one.
Considering that the coaches’ poll, combined with the […]

Rochester, N.H. — An embarrasingly lightweight drunk, Leeland Eisenburg, 47, entered the Rochester headquarters of the Hillary Clinton campaign with road flares, a Cornish game hen, a package of hot dogs and AA batteries strapped to his chest. The Somersworth, N.H. resident insisted that the desultory assortment fastened to his torso was a bomb […]

It’s one of those really obscure games that most people don’t even know will take place.
Nebraska vs USC-10
The Trojans will be equal in points to the number of scabs on Courtney Love’s shins.
While Trips takes his vast knowledge to an undefined and yet to be seen level of mediocrity, or pure genius, I […]

Boys of Troy
The handsome crooner, Nick Lachey, was seen quickly barreling through camera flashes at San Francisco International Airport. The disheveled and trembling pop star was visibly distraught by the way Arizona Cardinals quarterback, Matt Leinart, intentionally defamed him on national television.
Leinart, the tenth round overall draft pick from Southern California, floundered with […]

Breaking News, Man.
Michael Vick’s abrupt descent from a happy-go-lucky endorsement star with herpes and a peculiar nickname to President of Bad Newz Kennels has been so overwhelming that nobody would be dumb enough to even try to make fun of it at this juncture. You’d think an Attorney General’s suspicious retirement so close in […]

Here we are. My goodness how four years can fly by when we’re watching our country’s bravest have their limbs blown off in the effort of providing a democracy to a bunch primitive fuckers who don’t want it, much less deserve it. It’s time for the Republicans to race each other to see […]