We need another civil war
You can always tell what region a fast food chain was founded by checking what their default condiments are. Mustard and japalenos? Corpus Christi, Motherfucking Texas. Mayonnaise and pickles? Boardman, Ohio. It’s not that their taste is gross, which it is. I ate at a White Castle once (Columbus, Ohio) and instantaneously regurgitated that nasty, onion water infused soggy bullshit they dared to call a hamburger. But White Castle stays where it’s wanted. You don’t see them down here. Texans know how they like their burgers. We sent that crap packing.
That’s why Arby’s has crossed a line. Not only do they unroll an unholy combination of bland chicken, mayo and pickles, but they call that abortion an “express train to Satisfactiontown,” in the commercial. I know, right? How offensive is that commercial to any southern-bred gentleman? I nearly dropped my mint julep onto my seersucker jacket!
But do you know what it’s called? Southern Style Chicken Sandwich. Southern style! They unveil an abomination unto mankind with a chicken version of the vile White Castle catastrophe and then they blame it on us!
I can’t stand it any longer. We already have a reputation here as hick ranchers, and hell, that might even be mostly true, but dammit we know how to cook our meat consarnit, and we know damn well not to ruin it with lard and vinegarlogged cucumbers. Texas invented the grill, the jalapeno, the flat hamburger patty, and french fries, which we took from those Euro-pussies and made our own. To insult our burger is to insult the very manhood of every red blooded citizen of this state.
So consider this a call to arms. Aggies boycott, Longhorns take action. I am planning an enormous assault on all city Arby’s locations (with mustard gas, naturally), and I urge any Texan with even an ounce of culinary pride to join me in violently contesting this jihad against our way of life.
Yeah, I’m gonna waterboard a VP of marketing.
April 22, 2008 at 1:04 am
civil war on terror?
April 22, 2008 at 5:12 am
Couldn’t agree more. The fucking asshat who sits next to me at work loves Arby’s. He tried to laud it over Taco Bell. I wanted to set him on fire.
f Arby’s.
April 22, 2008 at 5:32 am
As a Yankee who is now a proud Texan (but still doesn’t fall for all the propaganda, but most)…it is quite insulting seeing how backwards ass everyone else believes we are. I don’t consider myself a southerner by any means however. Those guys really are hick ranchers, in seersucker suits.
Whataburger is freaking legit. The one thing I’m glad we don’t need a culture war over is In-n-out burger. That could definitely give whataburger a run for its money. One of the few things I miss terribly from 3 years in Cali.
Also, having lived in North Dakota for 7 years, it is EXACTLY like the movie Fargo, no matter what people tell you, and it is basically the Corpus of the north, in that there are exactly 4 houses for every Arby’s in that city.
April 22, 2008 at 5:32 am
pf Arby’s.
Just head over to Mighty Fine Burgers in Arbor Walk at Braker and MoPac. 100% beef ground and hand formed on site. Best damn crinklecut fries I have ever had.
April 22, 2008 at 5:53 am
What Taco Bell has done to Tex Mex will not soon be forgotten.
April 22, 2008 at 6:03 am
Chris Applewhite is the George McClellan of fast food connoisseurs.
Arby’s is greatness if you go for what they do best, the Roast Beef Sandwich.
Taco Bell is liquid ass. I’m glad you all enjoy it.
If you want a good “fast food” burger as opposed to some place like Casino el Camino, go to Five Guys, faggots.
April 22, 2008 at 6:13 am
srr50-
Mighty Fine is right down the street from my work. If I ate there as often as I’d like I would easily gain 300 lbs. Rudy’s BBQ is akin to a fast food version of BBQ, the sauce is the one redeeming quality (although I prefer Rudy’s over some crap, like Pok-e-jo’s)…but man, their owners can make some Mighty Fine Burgers.
I’m torn on the fries. I like mine more potato-ee. Or waffle-ee. For crinkle fries they are unbelievable though.
April 22, 2008 at 6:54 am
I stopped trying to figure out fastfood places and their respect for my tastebuds after I tried the McRib.
And as long as Arby’s provides me with 5 tasty sandwiches for a cool $5, I have no issue with them.
April 22, 2008 at 6:54 am
Anytime I crave grade E ground beef in a cardboard tube I’ll go to Taco Bell. Deeeeelicious.
April 22, 2008 at 7:02 am
You got the chicken sandwich at Arby’s? What do you do, go to Maudie’s and order the hot dog?
April 22, 2008 at 7:09 am
Yeah, but your solution for everything is to throw yourself at the mercy of five dudes.
April 22, 2008 at 7:39 am
I see what you did there.
April 22, 2008 at 7:50 am
“You got the chicken sandwich at Arby’s? What do you do, go to Maudie’s and order the hot dog?”
Good lord no, I’m judging that franchise based on their extremely off target commercial. I wouldn’t eat one if they paid me to do it.
And I get the Hernandez enchiladas at Maudies. That alone is proof we have better food here.
April 22, 2008 at 8:15 am
“Anytime I crave grade E ground beef in a cardboard tube I’ll go to Taco Bell. Deeeeelicious.”
You forgot stumbling, can’t see straight drunk.
April 22, 2008 at 8:44 am
i often wonder who eats fast food. i dont envision the intelligentsia of this award winning blog when i do this wondering…
April 22, 2008 at 9:48 am
Whataburger…you pussies! I wish I could have a Whataburger right now…cheese-ey, jalapeno-ey, yummy-ey! In ‘N Out is nice, and the Bible verses rock, but I miss me some Whataburger…but soon I’ll be back in Tejas!
Hook ‘em!
April 22, 2008 at 10:01 am
Culver’s makes a fine cheeseburger.
A chain that has wound its way down from Wisconsin. Selective about where it opens and
who gets the franchises. Well-run, on the whole.
Wicked good frozen custard, too.
April 22, 2008 at 10:11 am
Culver’s is excellent. A trip to Madison is a revelation. Lots of heavy folks eating fried fish, brats, Culver Burgers and Frozen Custards.
April 22, 2008 at 10:41 am
Austin has an In ‘N Out knockoff called P.Terry’s. Ate there once and was underwhelmed, but it’s possible I didn’t order off their secret menu.
April 22, 2008 at 10:57 am
No, your impression of P. Terry’s was correct. It’s obvious they tried but it makes a poor substitute.
April 22, 2008 at 11:05 am
Zaxby’s, a chicken finger/buffalo wing fast food chain in the Southeast is slowly coming to TX .. http://www.zaxbys.com/. It’s some good stuff.
April 22, 2008 at 11:12 am
I pity you people that can’t drive 5 minutes to get a cheese runza
April 22, 2008 at 11:15 am
Whataburger is still the undisputed champ in these parts.
April 22, 2008 at 11:16 am
I eat at Culvers every once in a while. It is okay. I would not put it in the same universe as Whataburger. The best fast food burger that I have eaten, other than WB, is probably Murf’s.
April 22, 2008 at 11:36 am
Zaxby’s is co-owned by former UGA coach Ray Goff.
The Wings and Chicken Strips are actually decent.
April 22, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Sometimes the offseason is kinda fun. Like this thread. We need to declare culture wars more often; everybody talks a lot of clueless shit about Texas already, so it’s not like we’ve got anything to lose.
April 22, 2008 at 1:58 pm
FYI there is a Culvers on Burnet near Braker if anyone has an itching for one and can’t seem to find it.
Or maybe it’s on Braker near Burnet, I forget. Either way, It was somewhat close to the post office over there.
And wing/chicken places? There is only one in this area, and Pluckers would be it. I need to send my family a gift basket with a bunch of wingsauce next time I fly up to MN.
Its unbelievable how poor the food is in Minnesota, and how people have no taste. Its kinda exaggerating and kinda true when I’ve met some relatives up north who believe ketchup is spicy. Fuckers.
For those of you horns in the Twin Cities area…check out Broders Pasta Bar. It was a revelation.
April 22, 2008 at 2:02 pm
The Culver’s is on the corner of Braker and Kramer. Really weird location. There’s another one down on William Cannon (I think).
April 22, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Northeast corner of William Cannon and Brodie.
April 22, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Fighting for supremacy at the north end of San Jacinto: Crown & Anchor and Posse East! Go back to your roots, folks.
April 22, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Minnesota does have Timber Lodge Steakhouse. It is a regional chain but has great steaks and great wild rice soup. I always eat there when I am in the Twin Cities.
April 22, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Sorry about blocking the drive-through with the missile battery. I couldn’t find anywhere else to park it, and it’s usually faster to go in anyhow.
April 22, 2008 at 4:11 pm
I’ve been in Cali for 10+ years and In ‘N Out is massively overrated. It gets most of its cred from the fact it’s main competition is McDonald’s and Burger King.
April 22, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Can I point out that Bill Callahan is no longer able to procure cheese runzas at any price?
Rusticated from Lincoln to New York.
Pity the bastard.
April 22, 2008 at 7:56 pm
Culvers in Austin is at the corner of Braker and Kramer. Good but not great burgers. Very good frozen custard, for cheap too.
April 22, 2008 at 8:21 pm
No wonder we’re losing the war, Americans can’t focus for shit.
Anyway, since this has turned into a discussion about food, everyone should go to Hog Island Deli on Lavaca near 17th/18th. Their reuben or philly cheesesteak will send you to an early grave but it’s completely worth it. Not a big deli meats guy but I go there all the time anyway.
Also, what every happened to Dairy Queen? Are they even in Austin anymore? I see commercials still but I haven’t actually seen a store in years.
April 22, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Theres a DQ somewhere on Burnet before 183. Is nobody going to mention Dan’s or Hilberts? Hell, for a cheap burger, I still love Short Stop.
April 23, 2008 at 4:23 am
There’s a DQ at Burnet and Steck. They have become surbuban fast food stops, like Pflugerville, Round Rock, San Marcos, Buda Georgetown, etc.
Hilbert’s is great, and they took over an old Taco Bell across from the Randall’s on 35th.
Dirty’s is still the best greasy burger around, and love their fries as well.
April 23, 2008 at 5:54 am
The fast food cuisine of Texas continues its slide toward mediocrity (or at least uniform nationalism). During a recent trip to North Texas I stopped at a DQ for lunch. My steak sandwich was a precooked/preformed, piece of crap. At a Dairy Queen, in Texas! Oh the Horror.
April 23, 2008 at 6:42 am
“Its unbelievable how poor the food is in Minnesota, and how people have no taste. Its kinda exaggerating and kinda true when I’ve met some relatives up north who believe ketchup is spicy. Fuckers.”
I won’t argue with you for a second. It’s just sad. It does make it fun to have friends and family visit here in Austin to demonstrate the difference.
April 23, 2008 at 6:57 am
there’s a war?
April 23, 2008 at 7:59 am
You Minnesotans get Taco John’s, not to enjoy but to realize that Taco Bell isn’t the lowest of the Mex fast food chains. I would argue Del Taco is the absolute worst. I’d still take all of those over McD’s though.
April 23, 2008 at 8:45 am
Austin also has Taco Deli, which is about the best food I’ve ever put in my face.
The cowboy taco is ambrosia in a tortilla. Anyone who eats at any taco place above taco deli should be subject to a firing squad.
April 23, 2008 at 8:51 am
You haven’t lived until you’ve run the pay bridge between Juarez and El Paso because you were saving your money for a double order of rolled tacos from Chico’s. You bitches talk to me when you’ve risked an indeterminate stay in a Mexican prison for your shitty fast food.
April 23, 2008 at 8:55 am
April 23, 2008 at 9:00 am
Throw in a two dollar bucket of Dos Equis and the donkey show my brother.
April 23, 2008 at 9:02 am
I’m on a ration of oh about 5-7 cowboy tacos a week.
Taco Deli pwns.
April 23, 2008 at 9:04 am
My office is within walking distance from Taco Deli. ChrisApplewhite is 100% correct, there is very limited reason to ever eat anything but the Cowboy Taco when given the opportunity. The Tacolomo (Thursday Special?) is pretty wicked too. TacoDeli really isn’t that fast of food however.
Taco John’s is pretty low. I can’t believe anyone eats there, ever.
Minnesotahorn, you really need to check out Broders Pasta Bar in Edina however. Its definitely not fast food (although they serve you fairly quickly)…but was a total dining revelation.
While we are on the discussion of food, I need some Coopers BBQ, soon.
April 23, 2008 at 9:16 am
Taco Deli needs a centralized location.
April 23, 2008 at 9:50 am
PSA: there is a place on Lamar near 10th called Chuco’s that is VERY similar to Chico’s (as in, trade infringement similar)
April 23, 2008 at 9:51 am
Thanks GDRTSB. I’ll have to check it out next time I’m up there.
Chico’s is greatness.
April 23, 2008 at 11:17 am
Count me in… i’m buying eggs and visiting any Arby’s establishment in a 10 mile radius of my home in Oklahoma City.
April 23, 2008 at 11:49 am
Taco Deli Adobados > Al Pastor > All.
Oh and stop talking about it in general, because unless the ratio of scantily clad sun-tanned greenbelt chicas to obnoxious frat boys changes drastically it’s crowded enough there as it is.
April 24, 2008 at 6:49 am
CA, Apparently Arby’s caught wind of your war plans and decided to consolidate power by buying Wendy’s. This article may be the equivalent of South Carolina’s succession when Wikipedia writes about it.
April 24, 2008 at 7:01 am
To folks in austin craving chico’s, have you checked out Chuco’s here in austin? 10th and lamar ish.
transplants trying to bring the flavor of shitty rolled tacos swimming in something redish covered in cheap cheese.
Big ups to Hog Island, Small town DQ’s, Taco Deli (needs a central location), and dirty’s even though they aren’t fast food and are charging like a hundred dollars for an OT special these days.
April 24, 2008 at 7:20 am
I Favor DQ over whataburger for the ice cream and blizzards alone. But if it’s burgers….WB hands down!! But when you compare chicken strips…hmmm DQ would take that one. PLUCKERS TRUMPS ALL, except for the fact that they are a little over priced. Since we are talking about diamond in the rough burger joints..I can’t believe nobody has talked about Players!!! C’mon MLK and the Drag. Open till very late!! Great burgers(Cheap too!)…and then of course the Milkshakes!! (insert Homer simpson drooling noise here)
April 24, 2008 at 8:31 am
Oh, we like players.
April 24, 2008 at 9:11 am
Oddest place to have a great burger: The Zilker Park snack shop.
April 24, 2008 at 1:17 pm
since this has turned into a lot about nothing this is a poll about trucks that universities use to haul equipment to games with. I thought some of you would enjoy the picture of the aggies’ truck:
The Wizard of Odds
April 24, 2008 at 2:31 pm
I’m bummed that Tech’s isn’t shaped like a Brigantine or a Barbary Corsair.
April 24, 2008 at 2:43 pm
I’m bummed that OU’s doesn’t look like the one Mel Gibson drove in ‘The Road Warrior.’
April 25, 2008 at 12:23 pm
OU pimping the swoosh.
LSU with the homage to ’70s pop art.
Aggy with the hood up. Priceless.
April 25, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Whatever happened to the GM Steakhouse on Guadalupe? Now that was a gut bomb cheese burger, served with a heaping side of insults and abuse. Only thing is, if you didn’t happen to be of the Caucasian persuasion, you might not be allowed in the door…