Nasty Tricksy Coacheses
The world can be divided into two camps: Those who divide the world into two camps, and those who don’t. I’m in the latter group.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t make distinctions between those whom I’m not dividing into two camps. Take Longhorn Nation, for example. (WARNING: Gross over-generalizations ahead)
On one hand, you have a group that’s perpetually infuriated with Mack Brown. Nothing he says or does is ever enough to overcome their cynicism over the man. Ryan Nunez running a bad route that one time against Iowa State, Ramonce Taylor’s watch getting stuck on 4:20, Frank Okam having a strong interest in law school - they’re just a few of the stark indicators of a program forever on the verge of going off the rails.
Let’s call them the Ron Paul wing of Longhorn Nation.
11/23/07 was an inside job!
On the other hand, you have the group of fans who are convinced that the Texas program is the sine qua non of college football, that Mack Brown is the infallible Pope of the gridiron. “Take Dead Aim”? St. Augustine wrote that, bitches. Worried about how consistently lackluster the linebacker play has been under four different defensive coordinators? You’re a Commie. Have some concerns about how bipolar the offense has been under, um, one coordinator? You’re gay. Worried about recent off-the-field incidents and our team’s mediocre academic performance in general? You’re probably an Aggy posting under an assumed name. Either that or you don’t know college football. Longhorn Football rules, and I will beat your ass if you disagree.
Let’s call them the Toby Keith wing of Longhorn Nation.
Yes, I’m a Sooners fan in real life. Here, I’m a metaphor. Go with it, you
Marxist hippie America-hating Dixie Chicks fan.
Then you get people like me. I’m generally pretty pleased with the results on and off the field, even as I have some legitimate concerns at the margins.
Let’s call us the Lukewarm Porridge wing of Longhorn Nation. We’re just right.
Already looking forward to our next bowl.
But every once in a while, I come across a quote from Mack Brown that nudges me ever so slightly towards starting up a snail mail newsletter that blames the Jews and the blacks for the demise of the Wishbone.
Something like this, via the DMN college sports blog.
“Greg (Davis), our offensive staff is a very fundamental staff - look complicated and be simple,” Brown said. “Greg does a great job of getting the best players the ball. At the same time, people are more visual than ever before. We have more electronic gadgets than ever before. All the kids and fans if they want to can get on a video game and have all their trick plays. And fans like all that stuff.
“We’re in the education business during the week and we’re in the show business on the weekend. We need to win. We need to be physical. We need to be tough. We need to have fun, and we need to look good. That’s part of entertaining people.
“Texas fans are hard to entertain sometimes, so we need to keep their attention. And kids love trick plays. We’re going to run them consistently.”
We hates this quote
WTF? OMG! I have to text my Fave Five now!
To get the full effect, read the above in Mack’s patented machine-gun nasal whine - don’t take any breaths between sentences. Try to figure out when - if ever - his brain started yelling “STOP TALKING, MACK!”
I know I’m missing some context here - maybe he was joking around, maybe he said the entire bit with a smirk on his face. But he’s said stuff like this before and been completely earnest.
So with sincerity as an assumption, this quote, and the attitude behind it, is dripping with condescension and quasi-marketing sleaze. Apparently Mack Brown sees us Texas fans as an unholy hybrid of Gossip Girl and Madden ‘08, insatiable in our appetites for something to wake us from our Philistine stupors, unable to react favorably except to the shiniest and flashiest of gimmicks and gadgets.
How Mack sees a Texas tailgate
And what’s more, he’s announced that we’re going to be running trick plays “consistently”. Now, I’m hardly an X’s and O’s guy, but doesn’t that kind of negate the “trick” part?
It does set up a nice little out for the future: See, Texas fans? You demanded we run two straight flea-flickers on 1st-and-goal from the 4. It’s not our fault that Florida Atlantic linebacker picked it off and ran it back for a touchdown. It’s yours, with your iPhones and Wiis and gold-plated Ritalin bottles.
Finally: Greg Davis’ offense does not look “complicated”. “Chaotic”, sure. Not “complicated”.
Ugh. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to dig out my Smith-Corona and start my 8-page double-sided single-spaced screed on how the Trilateral Commission held back Maurice Gordon for all those years.
Look, Sugar Tits, I already explained this: Brett Robin was a
“third-down” “back” whose true loyalties lay with Israel
February 25, 2008 at 4:11 pm
I agree, that was not a quote becoming of a football coach who kicks ass and takes names. But at least we do have a couple of name-takers on the staff.
Nobody wins all the games all the time. Hell, best team in the history of college football - as seen on TV, per Harbaugh - could not win them all. Is 10 per year too little to ask?
February 25, 2008 at 5:56 pm
I only get mad at him when we don’t win but am OK the rest of the time.
February 25, 2008 at 7:54 pm
As you say, CJD, maybe you have to understand the context in this case. Perhaps Mack was rolling on the floor with laughter and holding up crossed fingers on both hands. We can hope.
Anyway, it didn’t set me on edge quite like the “When they (recruits) say we are one-of-five, then I say you’re down to one-of-four because I’m out.” That was truly cranium splitting.
Oh, and great to see your name included in this limited, privileged, and elite group of Barkers, CJD. Actually, I have been thinking of giving site management the “If you say Henry James is one of 5,437 Barkers then it is now one of 5,436 because I am out” kind of ultimatum.
February 25, 2008 at 8:51 pm
The tailgate pic is awesome.
February 25, 2008 at 9:01 pm
Good call on the tailgate pic. The first thing I thought of when I read the quote was that Mack views Texas fans like we’re straight out of Idiocracy.
February 26, 2008 at 5:18 am
“When they (recruits) say we are one-of-five, then I say you’re down to one-of-four because I’m out.”
Shit like this makes me ponder options for our next coach
February 27, 2008 at 8:03 am
I wouldn’t get too upset about it. Mack always says he is going to play the backup QB more, too.
Perhaps the strategy is that the opposition will be so busy worrying about upcoming trick plays and how to defense the backup QB that they’ll forget to cover the sideline pass.
February 27, 2008 at 11:58 am
Why are those two kids wear’n hersey kisses on their heads? And as for the dixie Chicks, I like the cute lil’ fat one. Now go on git in that kitchen girl and start to cookin. With rolls like that I know you can bake em as well as eat em.
February 27, 2008 at 2:51 pm
I’m worried about recent off-the-field incidents and our team’s mediocre academic performance in general.
February 29, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Which one am I?