Bill Belichick is a Genius
There is no way to deny the sheer impressiveness associated with this man, and frankly I’m tired of the press casting doubts about his greatness every time a tiny chink in the armor appears, as was the case last night. Billick outcoach Belichick? Are you kidding me? Don’t you know who you are talking about?
Bill.
You are talking about The Bill. The Mad Croatian who’s name translates to the Shortening of the Way in English. The man who once made Eric Mangini’s eyebrows fall off by staring intently at him for several minutes. You better stop and consider the forces you are messing with here. I’m not going to be responsible if this happens again. Doubt him at your own peril.
Let’s run down his list of accomplishments and regain some perspective:
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He is the best coach in the history of organized sports.
He speaks seven languages, including |33t.
His playbook is written in Base 11, for clarity.
He jots down additions to the Linux kernel during times out.
He once crossed a scalar with a vector. The product of that union was Jon Bon Jovi.
He has mind control over Deebo.
He knows the real words to Benny Lava.
His prostate achieved self-awareness on March 9th, 2003, and is responsible for the last three seasons of J.A.G.
He chooses draft picks based on Reimann zeta probability statistics:
where x is a positive integer equal to his own badassedness.
He only sings the verse to End of the World As We Know It .
He controls Tom Brady’s liaison’s through a Bene Gesserit breeding progam designed to one day overthrow Don Shula’s descendants.
He started the rumor that Mr. Rogers was a sniper in Viet Nam, for reasons known only to himself.
He personally braids Randy Moss’s hair every morning according to an algorithm to maximize intra-helmet laminar airflow.
He leaves an origami unicorn in any team’s locker room that is able to beat him.
Every time his name is spelled correctly a sparrow falls from the sky.
He was once trapped in an elevator with Bryant Gumbel for three hours, who was too in awe to mutter a single word.
When he watches Star Wars, there are no Ewoks in it.
He can smell a pimp from a mile away.
His nail-clippings kill fire ants.
He once body-slammed Bill Parcells during an altercation over a club sandwich. Then gave him the sandwich.
He suspected Ender’s enemies were real.
He is the only man alive who has proof that Johnny Cash was a vampire.
He prefers Mazatlán after it became touristy.
The only thing he is afraid of is salamanders.
He once ordered a small coffee and a fritter at Starbucks. The barista gave him a Venti half-caf Mocha and a caramel praline muffin, then took off her shirt.
His coaching tree includes Nick Saban, Jim Schwartz, and Lee Majors.
He can watch Time Cop and Lionheart straight through.
His life has an ABABUpDownLeftRightSelectSelectStart feature.
His wallet is the one that says El Chingon.
He turned down the offer to play Quint in Jaws. In his version the fingernail/on/chalkboard scene lasted eight minutes.
He has a relevant opinion on Ted Marchibroda.
His most influential role model is Snake-Eyes.
He knows you are reading this.
December 4, 2007 at 7:26 pm
That game was an embarrassment on the Ravens’ end. Stupid call after stupid play after stupid call in the last couple of minutes. Talk about giving a game away.
Right down to the final play when the receiver allowed himself to be tackled in the field of play with the ball.
December 4, 2007 at 7:40 pm
Are you insinuating that Bill didn’t will that to happen?
Everyone step away from Huck. He’s marked.
December 4, 2007 at 7:46 pm
He is Peyton Manning’s father.
December 4, 2007 at 8:28 pm
He can take his guys and beat your guys. He can also take your guys and beat his guys. He can do this in the same game whilst curing cancer and shagging Elizabeth Hurley.
He will draft all three of our starting linebackers and turn them into hall of famers. They will be known as the Kitchen Men. At the induction ceremony Robert Killabrew will blindside a retired Peyton Manning. Bill Belichick will giggle. Under his breath.
December 4, 2007 at 9:50 pm
He is the Kwisatz Haderach!!!
December 4, 2007 at 10:35 pm
I had no idea Doperbo was from Boston.
If he’s not, this is an eerily spot-on translation of you average Beantown mook.
December 4, 2007 at 11:24 pm
Keyser Soze fears Bill Belichick
December 5, 2007 at 12:46 am
On page 2,678 of the Patriot’s playbook, Belichick hides a secret formula that holds the key to creating a dermatological concoction potent enough to remedy Norv Turner’s complexion.
December 5, 2007 at 6:01 am
Bill Belichick impregnated Shawn Kemp and Travis Henry.
December 5, 2007 at 7:01 am
I don’t understand. Does that mean that I the illegitimate love child of Mack and Greggy?
December 5, 2007 at 7:17 am
He understands every word that comes out of Jamaal Charles’ mouth.
December 5, 2007 at 7:20 am
After NASA staged the moon landing, he got pissed and lead a trip to Mars.
December 5, 2007 at 7:23 am
When he listens to aggie football broadcasts, his telekinetic powers actually allows him to understand what’s happening in the game.
December 5, 2007 at 7:33 am
Loved the Ender comment - greatness
December 5, 2007 at 7:54 am
“He controls Tom Brady’s liaison’s through a Bene Gesserit breeding progam designed to one day overthrow Don Shula’s descendants.”
“He is the Kwisatz Haderach!!!”
I would cry Nerd Alert, but I caught the joke and liked it.
Yes, I’m in my mid-30’s and live a meaningful and fullfilling life reading sci-fi in my leasure time.
December 5, 2007 at 7:57 am
“Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past me I will turn to see fear’s path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
December 5, 2007 at 8:26 am
He once crossed a scalar with a vector.
That’s unpossible!
December 5, 2007 at 8:43 am
He is the vacuum energy.
December 5, 2007 at 8:54 am
Every day he feels the will to power.
December 5, 2007 at 11:08 am
He has translated Mack Brown’s game day clapping sequence into Morse Code, played it in reverse, and revealed a lust filled expression of love for Matthew McConaughey.
December 5, 2007 at 6:15 pm
He can lick a taint without ever opening his mouth.
December 5, 2007 at 6:36 pm
I seriously doubt he could lick a taint without opening his mouth.
Why must you always take it to the point of absurdity?
December 5, 2007 at 7:13 pm
I remember the first time I ever noticed it.
Sir, have you ever done nude modeling before?
You mean with the ding-dong and hoo-hah? Yeah.
Now open up wide for me, kid. Wider. Wider!, Whoa, not that wide!
Fuck yeah that wide!
That part of his body has more personality than his whole face.
But, Gary, we can already see his bing-bong…and his flabby-habby-babby.
I’m not talking about his cock or his you imbecile. I want that!
The taint.
http://www.milkandcookies.com/link/41968/detail/
December 5, 2007 at 9:03 pm
an ender’s game reference, wow doperdo u are cultured, im impressed
December 7, 2007 at 12:39 pm
Bill Belichick wrote, cast, directed and produced an autobiographical film, which he titled “Two Girls and a Cup.”
December 10, 2007 at 3:21 pm
I dunno. Who DOESN’T have a relevant opinion on Ted Marchibroda?
February 2, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Smile!