U.N. Sanctions Houston Texans

In a surprising turn of events the United Nations has formally leveled sanctions against the Houston Texans organization following a loss to the Indianapolis Colts yesterday afternoon, leaving owner Bob McNair and many of his staff stunned. The move apparently came on the heels of what has been described as a heart wrenching loss for the Texans fanbase, following the loss of a large fourth quarter lead and what would have been the first victory of the season for the franchise.

Meanwhile U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon wasted no time elaborating the major points of concern.

After extended deliberation with the General Assembly, the Security Council, and Dan Pastorini, it is with great regret and personal sadness that I revoke official professional football team status from the Houston Texans organization, and implore them to cease and desist all activities related to the practice of professional football immediately. Seriously, please stop. We have grave concerns for the emotional health and humanitarian burdens being placed on the four million inhabitants of Harris County. This region, half the size of Somalia in terms of population density, has suffered so much already, and we feel it to be in direct violation of both Hague and Geneva protocols to allow the perpetuation of false hope for this fan base. It’s simply to much to ask of anyone.

When pressed Secretary-General Ki-moon admitted that he had no direct authority over any entity within the National Football League and did not expect his sanctions to impact league play. He did reiterate his personal concerns and that it was important to use any means at his disposal to advocate for relief for the Texans fanbase. He also pointed out that potential compromise solutions such as scheduling the Chiefs or the Rams had not been discussed.

Attorneys for the Texans organization are currently looking into what, if any, legal ramifications these sanctions might have for their team. Initial counters have focused around protected ethnic status since Sage Rosenfels sounds Jewish. Spokesmen for the Texans can confirm that currently Reliant Stadium is well stocked with bottled water and perishable food, mainly nachos, but have not committed to a plan of action, and are calling any cessation of league play or ‘oil for wins’ trade scenarios premature at this point.