An open letter to Will Muschamp
Dear Will,
Congratulations on the new gig. You’ve gone from what may be one of the top five defensive coordinator positions in the SEC to one of the top five defensive coordinator positions in college football. If you do well and stay at least two years, you’ll be able to turn your performance into a head coaching job. That’s the power of Texas.
With great power there must also come great responsibility.
Stan Lee wrote that. Or was it Metternich? Anyway, I’m writing you this letter to give you some tips on succeeding at Texas. Don’t worry. I’m from the Internet, and I’m here to help.
First, identify and play the best players. No shit, right? Welcome to Texas. If you get a chance, make a phone call to either Gene Chizik or Larry Macduff and ask them their thoughts on the subject of upperclassmen. You might be surprised. You’ve walked into an ideal situation though. The upperclassmen at this point are the best players. If Mack Brown or Duane Akina start talking about players who have bled for the program, throw them a box of Tampax.
Second, put the players in position to succeed. Dude, I’m just saying. Funny shit happens at Texas on the defensive side of the ball. Formerly sane coordinators have gotten to Texas and decided to experiment on the job. At one point I think Carl Reese flirted with the idea of putting a large wooden badger at MLB. When you’re tempted to do crazy shit, just ask yourself one question. What would Nick do?
Third, make the players accountable. It hurt me to have to type that. If a guy blows an assignment, misses a tackle or gets a personal foul, let him know it. Immediately and publicly. If a players continues to blow assignments, miss tackles or get personal fouls, bench him. Don’t ask for accountability. Demand it.
Fourth, bring some intensity to the job. We’ve all seen the clip of you calling the Razorback players motherfuckers, and they weren’t even your rivals. I can’t wait to hear what you call the Aggies and Sooners as they’re way past ‘motherfucker’ on the Saffir-Simpson profanity scale. But you want to know what my favorite part of that clip is? When you told the player jogging off the field, “Get your ass going! You ain’t hurt!.” Toughness. I like it.
Finally, stop the spread. You’re not in the SEC anymore so you’re going to see a lot of creative offenses. And I’m using ’spread’ in as generic a term as I can, encompassing everything from Texas Tech to Missouri. Kudos for holding Florida to 17 points each of the last two years. Now do it every week next year starting in Boulder on October 4th and ending in Lawrence on November 21st.
Sounds easy, right?
February 21, 2008 at 8:50 am
I like this letter.
February 21, 2008 at 8:58 am
This letter is absolute genius.
February 21, 2008 at 9:02 am
I predict he will not reply.
February 21, 2008 at 9:10 am
Why do you hate Rashad Bobino’s freedom?
February 21, 2008 at 9:11 am
That’s ok. My parents will put it on their refrigerator door anyway.
February 21, 2008 at 9:24 am
F**k you HJ is that tough enough for you. Hell, I’ll even recruit Russell Shephard and let him play quarterback. aggy - mutha f’ken bitches come Thanksgiving.
February 21, 2008 at 11:40 am
You too will be assimilated into the collective.
February 21, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Very, very nice. I especially like the part about playing the best players. Novel concept for this program. Wish I’d thought of it first.
February 21, 2008 at 7:19 pm
Why you hating on the large wooden badger idea?
February 22, 2008 at 2:49 am
Yeah, take back the large wooden badger comment or else.
February 22, 2008 at 4:06 am
Open letters on teh internets are gay.
Unless they’re sincerely written to a high school recruit.
Had to be said.
February 22, 2008 at 7:27 am
Be nice and respectful to the boss. Never hurt anyone’s feelings. Only recruit scholar athletes.
And you will be back home in Rome before the contract runs out.
P.S. You should make friends with that nice Barnes fellow.
February 22, 2008 at 7:37 pm
stop the spread?
no way!
I like those photos
February 23, 2008 at 6:08 am
The large wooden badger wasn’t even the worst problem; it’s that Reed Boyd was hiding in it.
February 23, 2008 at 9:37 am
You know, I’ve never properly considered Reed Boyd’s malocclusive properties.
February 23, 2008 at 7:36 pm
“If Mack Brown or Duane Akina start talking about players who have bled for the program, throw them a box of Tampax.”
For added confidence, give them a jump on the bleeding with a box of panty shields.
February 25, 2008 at 3:42 pm
“I’m from the Internet, and I’m here to help.”
If only everybody on the World Wide Web was so helpful.
It’s hard to know who to trust these days ya know?
February 27, 2008 at 7:04 am
Marcus Griffin pro day results 5-11, 201, and runs a 4.76 forty. Yet, the great Duane Akina claimed he was our best DB two years ago in a secondary that included two first round picks and another who was a nickel back as a rookie. Truly mind-boggling.
February 29, 2008 at 7:47 pm
Speaking of DBs, Kenny Vaccaro just committed to the Horns.