Letters. We get letters. Lots and lots of letters.

Tate Forcier is a high school quarterback in California who is being recruited from coast to coast. His family has a website, and on it he put the actual letters he has received from colleges offering scholarships.

We’ll suspend disbelief at this point and pretend that college coaches actually write their own letters. It will be more fun that way.

Arizona’s Mike Stoops writes like a Japanese gamer. “It is with great pleasure to offer you a full football scholarship beginning in the Fall of 2009. This scholarship is subject your meeting all NCAA requirements and all of the admission requirements for The University of Arizona.” He should have addressed it to Tate-san.

‘All your base are belong to USC.’

Stanford’s Jim Harbaugh is a tad arrogant. “As both the top academic institution in the world, and the home of the top collegiate athletic program in the world, Stanford represents the greatest combination of academic and athletic excellence in existence.” Remember that when you go 5-6 and the tennis players get more ass than you, Tate.

Joe Paterno’s letter is much better if you read it with the voice of Abraham Simpson. “Dear Tate, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.”

‘Less likely headline: Penn State wins Big 10.’

Surprising no one, Oklahoma State’s Mike Gundy writes with the caps lock on.

Rich Rodriguez really knows how to get an 18 year old’s attention. “The purpose of this correspondence is to officially extend a formal offer of a full Football Grant-In-Aid to you to attend the University of Michigan.” Zzzzzzzz.

Kentucky’s Rich Brooks used to work for Publisher’s Clearing House. “With an extremely high degree of excitement, the University of Kentucky football program is delivering this important letter to you right now.” You may already be a winner!

I like how some coaches will end the formal letter with their school’s chant always followed by an exclamation point. Like receiving a letter from a dude with Tourette’s. Auburn’s Tommy Tuberville, “Tate, we will follow any guidelines in the recruiting process set forth by Coach Diaz at Scripps Ranch High School. We look forward to following your progress during your Senior (why is that capitalized?) year closely. Keep up the hard work.”

Pause…

“WAR EAGLE!”

Mike Stoops, “If you have any questions, please call at any time at 520-xxx-xxxx. We are looking forward to getting to know you and your family in the weeks ahead.”

Pause…

“Bear Down!”

What the fuck does that even mean? Makes the dude Mike Tyson used to pay to walk around his entourage shouting ‘guerrilla warfare’ look coherent.

To their credit, most of the letters to stress the importance of actually qualifying academically, and they do pay at least lip service to their respective school’s academic prowess.

Of course some degrees are better than others. But if a player did graduate without learning how to read and write, he could still become a head coach.