Preview Mags: Saving You $40
I went out and bought the preview mags. Almost all of them. I have no idea why I do this other than I’ve been buying college football preview magazines since I was ten years old. I realized sometime around age sixteen that I probably knew more about these teams than most of the local sports hacks did, but it is a July tradition and I have a soft spot in my heart for the print media and all of its lazy irrelevance.
I also enjoy when they put Andre Jones in our two deep.
Phil Steele can be the exception as I’ve actually learned things from his magazine, but his grating writing style and his relentless Cairene carpet dealer self-touting is wearying:
“Look at my quick pick, eh? You feel fibers, yes? Tight! Like a scorpion’s asshole! Let us make business, friend. Do not leave, we make business! I want you to make acknowledgement that Boise State is 14-1 vs the spread at home during odd numbered years when UK has Labour government in power!”
You make deal?
So here’s a compilation of facts gleaned from Lindy’s, The Sporting News, Athlon et al that should save you some time and $$$:
1. The cheerleader sections are the same ‘ol, same ‘ol and have been since 1982. The women in the South are gorgeous (Ole Miss and LSU scoring predictably well) though the SEC girls can admittedly be overindulgent mascara whores all too frequently drawing their inspiration from a Japanese anime raccoon. The Pac 10 girls are largely beautiful, full of the fresh-faced optimism born of blue skies and open vistas, though there’s a skanky hot Paris Hilton vamp Washington State cheerleader pictured in Lindy’s that gave me the clap just from brushing my thumb across the page. The Big 10 girls are pleasantly average with hardy constitutions, wide birthing hips, all consonant last names and little fear of winter. I’m pretty sure one of them was Tracy Flick. The Northeastern girls are wisely not pictured at all or, when pictured, are depicted in “But Her Face” distance shots. Thanks for sparing us from some gum-smacking, fake-baked Amy Fisher look-a-like decked in Syracuse Orange, Athlon.
God Bless you Missy/Lindsey/Misty.
Each caption mentions that Lindsey/Misty/Missy is a sports management/mass communication/education major, a proud member of Tri Delta/Chi Omega/Kappa Kappa Gamma, and can’t wait to begin a career in pharmaceutical sales/being taken care of by older rich men/teaching pre-K. She enjoys watching television, hanging with friends, and sympathizes heavily with the Maoist insurgency in Nepal.
2. Texas. Texas is in for a 7-5 season. Texas doesn’t rebuild, they reload. Texas is Texas. Mack Brown is stale. Texas has renewed life. The spring practices were the most energetic we’ve ever had. Last year’s seniors were all selfish bastards. Watch out for John Chiles! Greg Davis is mediocre. Greg Davis is underrated by a hypercritical fan base. This is Colt’s team! This team is so together it doesn’t need leaders. Last year’s team was composed of Serbs, Croats, and Muslims in terms of team chemistry. This year’s team “really is a family!” We have no playmakers on offense. Defense is a question mark. Texas has humidity. The OU game is very important for Texas. It’s played in Dallas.
3. It’s finally Clemson’s year! Proven QB, great RBs, playmaking WRs, good defensive talent - this is when they put it all together! What could possibly go wrong?
4. USC vs. Ohio State will decide the fate of Western Civilization. I’m pulling for Buddhism.
5. BYU/Fresno St/Wellesley is going to break through to the big enchilada this year. Watch out BCS.
6. That Mike Leach is sure unusual. Pirates.
7. Pete Carroll is so awesome. He’s like Daniel Craig in Casino Royale, but more ripped. Matt Sanchez didn’t rape anyone. Some girls just aren’t good sports. These Trojans are loaded! The only thing standing between them and a national championship is Ohio State, Stanford, and more erroneous rape accusations.
A carrot for the handful of women who read this blog
8. Lots of teams in college football throw now. Like some of them used to run a lot, but not anymore. They throw.
9. The SEC is so impossibly, incomprehensibly tough. Every week is a war. Playing Mississippi State on the heels of Vanderbilt coming off of an open date before playing Ole Miss is like facing Gehrig, Ruth, DiMaggio. A five loss SEC team could legitimately make a case for a National Championship game berth.
10. College football needs a strong Notre Dame!
Sorry, Charlie
11. The recruiting section makes mention of several coaches with incredibly shitty recruiting years who “recruited well to their system.”
12. Matt Stafford is both chunky and a Christian. Both help his Q score in Branson.
13. Conventional wisdom is that JoePa and Papa Bowden are through, but the old warriors have one last surprise in ‘em for the young ‘uns! (Going 7-5?)
14. Really, I cannot stress enough how difficult the SEC is.
15. We need a playoff. The current system is a joke.
16. No we don’t! The pageantry of bowls! The beauty of imperfection!
17. A number of QBs with no physical ability have great intangibles.
18. That SEC is a motherfucker, folks.
19. A bunch of different players overcame early childhood adversity to accomplish some shit. Dad in jail, mom on crack, sister works at Applebees. These players admit to running on the wrong side of the law, and the felony mollusk battery (Hitting A Person Or Persons With A Mollusk With The Intent To Cause Bodily Harm) charges are unfortunate, but Coach ____ believed in them and they’ve grown as people after serving a one quarter suspension against Atchafalya State. The tattoo IRRF on their bicep stands for “I Run Real Fast” and the tattoo that covers their entire back depicting Martin Luther King muay thai kicking Megatron in the groin tells kids that you should never give up on your dream and that good conquers evil.
I have a dream…to kick you in your package
20. Alessana Alessana.
21. For some, tailgating is way of life! Fan interest story. The payoff is that there’s a man who skipped his father’s deathbed and missed all of his children’s births so that he could make the Eastern Washington, Oregon State, and Montana State road games and keep his tailgating attendance streak alive. He is praised for his dedication and brisket.
22. Why is no one talking about East Carolina!!?!?!
23. Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada.
24. If Florida were in the NFC East, they would go 11-5.
25. Rest assured that no one will challenge the Division III supremacy of Mount Union. Don’t give me that Wisconsin-Whitewater or Mary-Hardin Baylor smack.
The VY of Division III basks in the glow
You’re welcome.
July 17, 2008 at 4:37 pm
I used to buy every preseason mag on the market and read them cover to cover. When DCTF was sold to Host Communications back in the ’90s, I began to lose interest. I quit buying Athlon’s probably 8 years back. A couple of years later, I dropped Sporting News from the list, when it changed to a format designed to appeal to people with 3rd grade reading skills. Street & Smith’s went the following year when it made the same conversion.
At this point, the only 3 I still buy are DCTF, Lindy’s and Phil Steele. Steele’s mag remains the most fact-filled, although when you really read it closely, half the facts are him going back over all the things he got right in the previous 8-10 issues. It does get old, and I loved your parody of it.
Lindy’s is still OK, if only because I do like the cheerleader pics. Otherwise, the Internet has rendered it useless as tits on a boar hog.
DCTF remains a disappointment, but I have a full collection and must maintain it, and do still enjoy the high school section. The shame of that magazine is that up until the sale to Host, it annually contained some of the best sports photography and prose-filled feature articles ever published. These days, all the writing is kind of like ultra-pasteurized milk.
Hook ‘em!!!
July 17, 2008 at 4:55 pm
I liked the carrot. More please.
Thanks for the rundown. While I don’t buy these mags (since I still have student loans to pay off - and I’d rather buy clothes), I can still appreciate the article since I see the same things on the online blogs that I read every day… with the exception of this one, of course.
July 17, 2008 at 5:23 pm
Don’t forget Steele begins position rundowns by rattling off every starter since 1987. Basically, in any folded out page of his mag, the left side is useless and the right side is solid.
I bought TSN this year for sentimental reasons, but this will be the last. Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if they don’t print one this year. They had freelancers doing conference rundowns and apparently the whole thing was underwritten by Hampton Inns, as that seemed to be the only ad in there. And the writing lived up to the lofty standards of that lavish hostelry.
July 17, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Duh, meant to say they don’t print one next year.
July 17, 2008 at 6:21 pm
Wellesley would have one of the best O-Lines in the country.
July 18, 2008 at 5:27 am
I recommend two or three sections of The Eyes of Texas. When no one is looking, rip out the two sections on Muschamp and the one on the ‘83 defense. After you read the ‘83 defense one you will realize that ever since ‘83 you have felt like you were dumped by Megan Fox.
July 18, 2008 at 6:16 am
More Cheerleaders Please.
July 18, 2008 at 6:20 am
I believe that this will be the first year since I was about 9 years old that I won’t be purchasing one of these mags. The internet has just killed them.
July 18, 2008 at 7:20 am
I began buying FB mags in 1959 with a copy of Street and Smith. I used to love reading that mag and really enjoyed their attempts to pick the winners in all of the games for the year.
I no longer see any magazine as a particularly valid source for in depth information, but I still buy DCTF and S&S because I have most of the issues going back to 1959 for S&S and 1966 for DCTF. I had the original DCTF from 1960, as well as 61-63, but they got lost some time ago. I missed out on the 1964-65 seasons because I was stationed in Newfoundland.
I am seriously considering getting rid of my cache since I don’t actually look at them any longer.
July 18, 2008 at 8:00 am
I spit up my overpriced Starbuck’s latte on my keyboard while reading the cheerleader paragraph. Damn it
July 18, 2008 at 10:33 am
Thank you. I deserved that.
July 18, 2008 at 11:41 am
I had to look up ‘Cairene’ to make sure it meant what I thought it did.
Well done.
July 19, 2008 at 8:06 am
Are you sure you’re not Dan Jenkins?
July 19, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Dropped TSN a couple of years ago for Phil Steele, because I like the stats even though I don’t apply them for any particular purpose ifyougetmydriftandIthinkyoudo.
The fact that TSN sold its yearbook business to S&S should say something about how much money these things no longer make.
Of course, personal tastes change as well. I used to *work* for Dave Campbell, and I don’t buy the magazine anymore.
July 19, 2008 at 3:40 pm
The young ‘uns don’t believe me when I say that DCTF is a shell of its former self, but then they think that Hampton/Rogers was the best DT tandem in UT history.
July 20, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Love Phil Steele, and it’s pretty much the only one I buy anymore. He does prop himself too much, but I think some might forget his main biz (at least for many years, maybe still) is his handicapping service. It’s in their nature to tout, tout, tout.
At least, thank goodness, he’s on the up and up in that regard, unlike some loser like ATS, which basically flips a coin to pick against the line. It’s fucking amazing those guys are still in biz after all these years.
July 21, 2008 at 7:43 am
Very entertaining read as usual. DCTF and Steele’s for me, though most of it is largely irrelevant to those of us with an internet connection.
DCTF is still the only place to get an overview of the high schools.
July 21, 2008 at 9:20 am
I was at the newsstand at lunchtime, and noticed that there is no Street & Smith’s issue there. Are they even publishing their annuals anymore?
July 21, 2008 at 10:34 am
I’m not sure. I actually remember them being quite decent as a kid, and then heading south precipitously in the 90s.
July 21, 2008 at 11:58 am
“I’m not sure. I actually remember them being quite decent as a kid, and then heading south precipitously in the 90s.”
Oh, yeah, S&S was one of the best up until 5-6 years ago, when they went to their 3rd grade reading level, comic book format. I just did a Google on it, and it looks like Sporting News must’ve bought them out. They’re advertising this year’s Sporting News annual as a combo TSN/S&S issue. When I picked up the TSN mag last week, I thought a couple of the sections looked like S&S stuff.
July 23, 2008 at 5:21 am
EOT: TSN sold its yearbook business to S&S maybe a year and a half ago. They have “combined” since. The cover is under the TSN name.
July 23, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Damn that is funny shit. I think Chi O is a pharma feeder system.
July 23, 2008 at 2:28 pm
The Maoist insurgency in Nepal joke was what made me pee in my pants.
July 23, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Let’s be honest: it doesn’t take a joke to make you pee your pants.
July 23, 2008 at 5:18 pm
“EOT: TSN sold its yearbook business to S&S maybe a year and a half ago. They have “combined” since. The cover is under the TSN name.”
Goddammit, why am I always the last to know???
August 13, 2008 at 9:31 pm
EyesofTX is pissed they put Texas Tech on the cover rather than UT - and damn it he sent them money and wrote “cash only if UT is king”…