Dedfischer, our favorite Texas Tech jackanape, has written a glorious essay on The Golf Prick. Read it.
I have a complex relationship with Golf Pricks, as I have a few friends who are confirmed GPs, and it appears that we've allowed some of them into Barking Carnival, but that doesn't prevent me from subjecting them to withering abuse at their choice in wardrobe, their tendency to summon a phantom putter and evaluate how they'd play an office corridor while quizzing you about who you know, their desire to quote Harvey Penick as if he were Chairman Mao, the tedious interests that go hand in hand with golf prickery, or their weird inability to describe another human being without reference to their golf game:
Ted? Tedddddd in Global Accounts? GREAAAAAT GUY! BIG STICK! Owns a waverunner; his second wife Patti has a tremendous fake rack. Has a place out in Olde Thornewilde Heights. The low 600s. Backyard DOES NOT back to the preserve. He has a stepson from Patti's first marriage, so fuck that. SHARP dresser. Padraig Harrington collection. Played with him at the retreat in Scottsdale - laid up down the back 9 when he got a stroke up on me after a bullshit break on the apron. Questionable downswing. Still, BIG STICK. Buttfucked a lady-boy accidentally in Mexico on a fraternity trip once. But GREAAAAT guy. Looooove Patti. Really like Patti. Stepkid is an arsonist or a Goth or some shit. So, like I said: fuck that. But Patti is a sweet girl and a really class lady. Takes Zoloft. Cries a lot. Would love to suck on those fake tits of hers. Natural blonde. But Ted...like I said - GREAAAAAT guyyyyy."
The Golf Prick has a predictable set of interests:
Living in a community with a faux Olde English name
Have you ever played __________?
Telling you the prices of things
Friend's wives
Who is, and who is not, a GREAAAAT guy
This is Mickelson's Year
Name dropping
Dallas. Much better than Houston!
Who has fucked up stepkids (or possibility of acquiring fucked up stepkids)
Who does, and does not possess "a big stick"
Their incredible play of an unfathomable obstacle
Man, would you look at that ass! (punctuated by whistle followed by swing of non-existent driver)
Where you bought your shoes
Does it back to preserve?
Am I turning my wrist over? No, seriously. Watch me again.
Divorce
Age of consent laws
Waverunners
Do you know who that guy's Dad is?
Feel free to add more.