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Barking Carnival Casting Call

Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to cast Barking Carnival's finest and most infamous with an actor or actress of your choice starring in Barking Carnival's own HBO special. This is the shit I blog about when watching Bo Ryan coach basketball. Gotta spice it up somehow. So, I'll start.

Vasherized--Robert Redford. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid Redford. Not that Sundance Channel post modern bullshit Redford's got going on now. V-money looks the part too. Plus, dude's brilliant. Wife's hot. Has a killer golf swing. Sometimes I root for him to die in a fire out of spite. Redford it is.

HenryJames--Perhaps the funniest guy on the interwebs. I'll go with Zack Galifianakis for the humor, but the dude looks like the Last Samurai version of Tom Cruise. Or a reasonable facsimile. Focus on the humor though.

Sailor Ripley--You would think the Godfather would be pigeon holed by the fat Marlon Brando, but Brando is the anti Ripley with his gluttonous obesity. No, BC daddy is the google version of Ari Gold. So give me Jeremy Piven for Sailor. Remember to get the fuck out.

Scipio Tex--Oh hell, I don't know we could go in a thousand different directions. Andy Kauffman? John Lennon? Michael Jordan? Emilio Estevez? Jean Claude Van Dam? The kid is a straight baller. A stinking genius, so I'll probably blow this one, but a leading man like that is going to have to be Al Pacino.

srr50--Easy money. If you saw him, you'd swear he was Paul Newman. He's got an edginess to him that outclasses Bill Little. When he bombs it 20 yards by you on the fairway and then ashes his cigar off of your forehead, you'll get it.

Doperbo--I'd pay good money to watch him and Scipio debate the merits of fiat money vs. the gold standard. He's that entertaining. Fake Ken Tremendous vs. Clipper Cooper in a battle to the death for the mother fucking win. For that reason, I'm going with Robert De Niro.

ClosetoJumping--He's Vince Vaughn with a bullet because he's tall and full of piss and vinegar. If I would have partied with him in college I would have never graduated. He's that good.

MinnesotaHorn--He's my dog eventhough my son punched him in the junk. I'll go with Will Ferrell because the dude is hilarious, but just as likely to crush your larynx.

Huck L. Berry--He's a freakin' scientist that has made me a ton of money with his computer betting models. Just an awesomely smart cat that wrecks shit with math. Give me Dustin Hoffman.

dick--is Phillip Seymour Hoffman because he excels at running shit when gambling stuff goes bad.

Bob in Houston--is Christopher Walken because he's able to bounce around between topics.

TheGeneral--Woody Harrelson from White Men Can't Jump because he doesn't look the part, but you know he can ball.

Barton Creek--Is Gene Hackman because he knows hoops like no one else.

ipowers is Wesley Snipes.

Skymonkey is Denzel Washington.

Dedfisher is no doubt, Tommie Lee Jones. Spitting image, 20 years younger, if you ask me.

Blake Borron is John Travolta in Pulp Fiction because he's not afraid to broach a subject. Especially when it's as controversial as foot massages.

Eyes of Texas--I'm going to go with a man's man of an actor Sean Connery. I wouldn't want to cross him on the internet, or in a Chicago Gangland style movie.

Brickhorn--Brilliant cat that graduated from Harvard. I've never met the dude but I always picture him in that Goodwill Hunting bar scene pwning some elitist. So let's go with Matt Damon.

As for me, I'm inclined to go with a good looking sonofabitch, but I'll leave that up to y'all.

Good night.