And you're on in 3, 2, 1...
Reporter: I'm here in State College. Tonight, it's the end of a legend. You've heard of the Arab Spring? Well this is Joe Pa Fall.
Now I'm going to smirk at the camera and let it sink in how clever that was.
Anchor: What's the mood on the street? The leafy boulevards? The well-trod paths that wind round fountains patrolled ominously by the savage swans of Nittany?
Reporter: It seems calm here. TOO CALM. We're going to see if we can change that.
Anchor: I see rioters over there. The girl in capri pants. That guy on his iPhone waving. Awkward kid. Acne kid.
Reporter: There's a crowd of media pointing cameras at each of them. There are approximately nine media for each student right now. We'll lure out more as they realize that being on television is the most important thing an American can achieve. We're going to keep showing empty streets until they come out and perform like angry monkeys.
Anchor: This is dangerous. This is real reporting! We don't just report groin injuries and yell out nonsensical phrases when people dunk. We're real journalists! YOU MUST RESPECT US.
Reporter: Some Sigma Chi funneling beers, here. As you can see, they're holding Joe Pa, We Love You signs.
Anchor: Ask them if Penn State should shut down the entire university for one year for every victim. Ask if they now consider their tuition merely lawsuit settlement payout money. Ask them if Penn State's football team should wear ribbons of shame instead of shoulder pads.
Reporter: They didn't like those questions. The crowd seems to be riling.
Anchor: Poke that potential rioter with a stick. The dopey one. Yeah, the Playstation kid. Poke him. Again. In his kidney.
Reporter: We're doing real reporting! This is very dangerous. No longer will Sebastian Junger mock us at the Newsies. Wolf Blitzer must respect this.
Anchor: We are the story!
Reporter: Stu! Stu! I've just been hit in the leg! I'm wounded. It's a piece of debris. A boulder. A rock. A small pebble. My calf is experiencing a sensation not unlike the bite of a fer-de-lance, a shuriken, and laser hair removal.
Anchor: Are you bleeding?
Reporter: I am...not. I'm going to tourniquet my thigh as a precautionary measure though.
Anchor: I hear chanting. They're chanting. It's eerie. Inhuman.
WE ARE. PENN STATE. WE ARE. PENN STATE. WE ARE. PENN STATE.
Anchor: What are they chanting?
Reporter: It's something primal. Guttural. Aggressively unintelligible. Is it Farsi-Esperanto?
Anchor: That Asian kid in the hoodie. He's up to something.
Reporter: Stu! Stu! They're going to turn over the van. They're rocking a news van. This is very exciting/good ratings/tragic/nice visual.
Anchor: Flee! While you can. May Hermes guide your feet. The Northeastern United States is replete with organized crime. Many are killed on the Appalachian Trail each year. Lyme disease. Son of Sam...
Reporter: We're running. RUNNING. These anarchists are making us do CARDIO.
Anchor: Black bears! Dehydration! Pesticides!
Reporter: They've turned over the van! Among them a finance major, a fat girl, and that tactical Asian kid. And they were laughing. Like it's fun to turn over a van.
Anchor: What other despicable acts will we witness tonight?
Reporter: I saw a boy firing a potato gun and then he demanded a Natural Lite from a CNN Reporter.
Anchor: Is this what a Zombie Apocalypse would be like? Is that a reasonable approximation of what you're seeing?
Reporter: I don't want to overstate the violence to that degree. I've seen no open feeding nor any CDC vans.
Anchor: Any explanation for this chaos?
Reporter: We don't know what causes 19 year olds to act like this. To run outside when something exciting is happening and commit minor property damage out of misplaced emotion and a desire to be on television. Almost as if observing can influence the behavior of the observed.
Anchor: A student wearing glasses just yelled out, "Heisenberg" listening to our feed. Any idea what that means?
Reporter: Probably a local microbrewery.