Big 12 Recap: Week 4 - Tote Bags & Tiaras

Real time in this case is seven days later.

So before the clock expires on week 4, let's hand out the weekly awards of footballing virtue and shame.

In limited Big 12 action we saw Baylor tangle with SEC killer UL-Monroe, West Virginia derp the Terps, TCU slowly choke out Virginia, Kansas lose to a directional school from Illinois (this week: Northern), and Kansas State beat Oklahoma in a cultural victory of fiber-based diets vs microwaved red meat.

TOTE BAGS

This week we honor the wide receiver position. Can you name one for Kansas State? Doubtful, but you're probably familiar with these guys.

Tevin Reese | WR | Baylor - You can't just worry about Terrance Williams anymore, even if he's the more talented receiver. Tevin Reese killed UL-Monroe out of the slot to the banjo tune of 8 / 146 / 2 TDs. Can he pull off the same divine ritual in the midst of burning couches while the cheap musk of Drakkar Noir mingles with moonshine vapor in the Appalachian wind? Since neither Baylor or WVU lend credence to the notion of Defense, the answer is, "Awww fuck yeah." First team to 60 wins.

Tavon Austin | WR | West Virginia - Tayvon doesn't accumulate stats like normal student athletes. He starts at a theoretically perfect apex -- 766 receptions, 24,600 yards receiving, 766 touchdowns -- and counts down from there until reaching an acceptable mean, hovering somewhere between Jerry Rice's production in college and Larry Fitzgerald's if he played in Canada. This week it happened to be 13 catches for 180 yards and 3 TDs. The YPC needs work.Carrington Byndom better be watching film on this guy every night before he goes to sleep. He's Appalachia's Ryan Broyles, with stronger clavicle and ligament.

Sterling Shephard | WR | Oklahoma - The true freshman's breakout game - 7 / 108 / 1 - is about the only thing keeping the guys at Crimson & Cream Machine from committing Okie sepuku (ingesting a live 30 lb catfish). You've probably seen the play where he leapt a KSU DB. Quandre Diggs that. Try it again in Dallas, Sterling. Yeah. That's right. Two weeks.

Honorary Totes

Cobi Hamilton | WR | Arkansas - I thought this stat line was a typo then checked another site to confirm that Hamilton did indeed catch 10 balls for 303 yards and 3 TDs. Maybe we should have recruited this guy?!? We did, actually. He, too, couldn't dismiss the advances of Bobby Petrino. The last college football player to average 30 yards per reception was Derrick Strait against Chris Simms a long, long time ago.

EJ Manuel | QB | Florida State - 27 / 35 / 380 / 2TDs with another 100 rushing on the ground. That's getting it done. The Noles are moving the ball impressively behind Manuel and stud RB Chris Thompson, who went for another 100+ and two scores. Wide open path the the BCS Title game for Jimbo's gang.

TIARAS

This week in SchaudenCrist...

Dayne Crist | Theoretical QB | Kansas - As long as Crist continues to bring it every week, and by IT we mean that intangible which only he and Garrett Gilbert possess, we shall continue to honor him here. This week's box score - 10 / 26 / 147. 0 TDs. But no picks - progress! With a ten point 4th quarter lead and the game on the line, Crist did ... nothing. When you read a game recap and a team's starting QB isn't mentioned once, that's not good. Weis is nonetheless encouraged by Crist's progress and is sticking with his guy. Until he pulls a more competent alternative out of his gunt.

Oklahoma Coaching Staff - A bedshitting of splattering purportions. They are still bleaching Gaylord Stadium after the hot mess served up by Stoopses, Robert and Michael, and especially Josh Heupel. Greg Davis must have been impressed at how quickly Heupel abandoned the run game. Bill Snyder, meanwhile, debased Mike's base D. It was really quite beautiful to watch unfold as Klein leaned his elbow against Sooner trachea in a 4th quarter choke-out. Landry Jones gets a shout out for a fumble and one of the worst INTs I've seen since ... David Ash's freshman year.

Honorary Crown:

The Big 10 Conference -- Fucking. Pathetic. Malibu methadone clinics are playing Big 10 football games on a loop for recovering addicts with excellent results.

Ohio State squirts by UAB

Penn State out-Temples Temple

Central Michigan beat Iowa

Minnesota dropped 17 on Syracuse

Camp Randall got mined by UTEP

Sparty struggles to put away 0-4 Eastern Michigan.

Must we go on?

Week 5 Lineup

This is easily one of the worst national slates of the year, giving the Texas/Okie State game prime exposure tonight.

Baylor @ West Virginia | 11 a.m. | FX

Texas Tech @ Iowa State | 6 p.m.

TCU @ SMU | 6 p.m. | FSN

Texas @ Oklahoma State | 6 p.m. | FOX

Here is Scipio's pre-game ritual...