Insider Tips for SXSW

It's early March in Austin, Texas. While University of Texas students are busy spring breaking, the annual SXSW festival has taken over the city. Attendees from all over the world will spend the week viewing film screenings, discussing the latest technology trends, and, of course, listening to live music. Here are a few off-the-beaten-path suggestions for festival-goers:

• Be the first to rent a Vespa and tour the hottest east side hipster jaunts while riding slowly in the center of the car lane. Who knows, you might even start a trend!
• The HEB at S. Congress and Oltorf offers daily viewings of locals who somehow manage to survive without ever uttering the phrases "user experience," "fully interactive platform," or "social media paradigm."
• Austin's hottest new interactive game is called "Jawbreaker." To play, carry a tennis racquet around town and, if you come across UT volleyball star Khat Bell, openly flirt with her in an Australian accent.
• No matter what event you attend, don't forget to check in on FourSquare so Korean spammers know your whereabouts this week.
• A visit to critically-acclaimed Franklin Barbecue is an absolute must for line-waiting enthusiasts and queue afficianados.
• Patronize a local grocer to experience the inconvenience of precariously cradling loose food items in your arms while walking to your car because you forgot to bring those goddammed reusable burlap sacks the pinko communists on the city council bastards foisted on us... just like the pioneers used to do!
• Visit the world-famous UT athletic department for a free hands-on tour of your genitals.
• The South Congress Street Bridge is home to the world's largest urban bat colony. If you find a bat on the ground, it's legally your property. Pick it up and rub its belly for good luck.
• Experience Austin's hot new vegan dining trend by chewing on locally-sourced tree bark. Austin is full of beautiful, old-growth live oaks. Find a juicy one and start gnawing!
• At 7:03 p.m. on Thursday night, gaze northeast towards College Station. If the smoke rising from Kyle Field is white, the Aggies' coronation into the SEC is complete! If black, an Aggie's "stabbin' cabin" caught fire in a methamphetamine explosion. This is normal. Resume your ironic existence post haste.
• Austin is played out. All of the hippest events are happening in Brownsville. You should leave Austin immediately and spend the week in Brownsville instead.