Hello football fans. Last year I came at you with an uninformed top 25 list. The premise of that piece being that I, a lifelong college football fan then living in communist China, far removed from the college football scene would write a summary of the top teams in the nation with little or no insight into the actualities of the teams. I guess it went okay. But in reality, Shanghai was pretty connected. We had decent internet, a huge expat population (it is the largest city in the world, and full of Americans still not doing the whole “well I’m an expat I guess I have to pick some EPL team to pretend to give a shit about” thing), and lots of bars open all night showing college football into the wee hours o’ the morn. So, basically, I wasn’t so uninformed.
Now I live in Burma. Internet here is literally delivered on tin cans connected by string, and the cans are rusty and the string breaks a lot. Internet costs 500 bucks to get installed here, a SIM card costs 200 bucks and the 3G internet doesn’t work in most of the city because it’s overloaded due to poor infrastructure. So I have internet at work but my hypervigilant French boss won’t let me slip by for a minute slacking. My best option for internet until I get it installed this weekend is going to one of basically 4 bars in Rangoon and usually I just drink and try to avoid the douchebag investment types trying to take advantage of cheap labor here to make a better profit margin on Adidas mesh shorts while filling the empty pit that used to be their soul with stacks of business cards, LinkedIn connections, and money.
Not having hard data on the teams I’m analyzing sort of goes along with my approach to sports in the first place. Your team cheats, your “student athletes” are probably spoiled pricks who you’d loathe to run into on campus (had you actually gone to the school you’re rooting for, and I’m looking at you Georgia sidewalk alums), and your coaches are mostly modern day pimps taking advantage of dumb jocks. (see “golden boy” Urban Meyer helping cover up the trail of terror of that piece of human garbage Aaron Hernandez). So relax, this is a soap opera. If you’re super deep into Xs and Os that’s cool, I just assume your technical football knowledge is commensurate with the depth of the ass groove on your Lay-Z-Boy that’s been carved into by months of sitting reading downloaded PDF playbooks and playing NCAA 14 while deep down knowing the closest you’ll ever come to being a real coach is buying a 120 dollar Nike Sideline Polo. @Smartfootball aside, that dude is cool in my book.
I don’t really know why I wrote all that. You probably all hate me now, but it’s okay we’d like each other if we were sitting on some macadamized car park drinking a beer eating some BBQ. But seriously take your fedora off and stop pretending you’re a coach.
So here’s the Top 10 and some random thoughts about them. First I ask you to listen to the following soundtrack while reading this whole article.
The Delfonics – Didn’t I Blow Your Mind This Time
Joe Strummer & The Mescalaros – Johnny Appleseed
Lee Fields & The Expressions – Ladies
Monk Higgins – Little Mama
Ornette Coleman – Embraceable You
Serge Gainsbourg – Cannabis (Instrumental)
William DeVaughn – Be Thankful For What You Got
Willie Hutch – I Choose You
Isaac Hayes – Never Can Say Goodbye (Black Moses Album)
J. Geils Band – Nothin But A Houseparty (Blow Your Face Out Live)
Todos tus Muertos – Andate (off the Dale Aborigen album)
Bob Geldof – How I Roll (How to Compose Popular Songs That Will Sell)
Lou Reed – Sweet Jane (only the one of the Take No Prisoners album)
Camp Lo – Luchini (This is It)
#1 – Alabama – sure, why not. Nick Saban is a legendary coach, but the fact that he seemingly derives zero pleasure out of his endeavors is a huge, huge, indicator of a broken man trying to prove something to someone long gone in his life who belittled him with words and closed fists. He’s the Grinch of college football. He’s the mean old coach from Waterboy. His overrecruiting tactics are de regeur these days. This is college football, the Crystal Football is the blood diamond of trophies so who gives a shit. They’ll probably win it all again and they’ll continue to accrue more national championships (real and made up, ala UNC basketball) than their fans have teeth. That was cheap and I’m not ashamed of that joke.
#2 – Ohio State – Something’s weird about Urban Meyer. Besides his heart rhytyms, I mean. Just something sort of dark brewing under that exterior. Also I love that he’s got the “cool divorcee” leather jacket style going.
#3 – Avacados – they’re fantastic and really add some thickness and good cholesterol to a protein shake. Although you’ll have a morning of farts that smell like Mr. Pibb and pepper vinegar if you load up on them.
#4 – Stanford – Sports writers have incorrectly assumed this is an academic ranking. Stanford, to me, is like British rap. Sure the people near it might like it, but on the bigger scene who really gives a flying fart. A tree as a mascot is pretty boss though.
#5 – Georgia – Well they are first going to lose to Clemson so what’s even the point. Athens is an amazing town it’s a shame it gets wasted on such awful, awful people. Although big shoutout to my friend Kaylen who is taking care of my cat in China and bringing her to Burma for me in a few weeks. So not all Georgia people are obnoxious jerks. Also they get points for having a live mascot, but if your mascot has to sleep on an icebag just to live it’s kind of a bitchass and that’s not a dog pun I mean it’s a weak, ugly, panting bitch. I’m sorry that’s too harsh, I grew up close to Athens and had great times there and kinda like UGA.
#6 – Sakerlina – It burns every cell in my body to respect them but I do. Just, please, lazy sportswriters, stop with the Clowney articles. There’s literally nothing that hasn’t been written about him. People in sports have a short memory, they’re hard rooting goldfish. There’s nothing about Clowney that didn’t also apply to Florida’s Javon Kearse. I wouldn’t even say he’s any better other than the fact that he’s good now, whereas Kearse was good a decade ago so nobody cares about that.
#7 – Texas A&M – First, “Johnny Football” is the lamest, hackiest nickname in sports not crafted by hairy armed buffoon Chris Berman. If this was 1943 and we were watching a reel before a Tarzan serial in a theater, that name would be totally acceptable. That being said, he’s not doing anything I wouldn’t do as a freshman Heisman winner. I’d be doing coke out of the dimples on the small of a southern debutant’s lower back every day while I flexed my muscles in the mirror like Patrick Bateman. I’d definitely do that if I was him. And I definitely also would do what if I was me and on vacation in Vietnam last October. I mean, theoretically.
#8 – Clemson – Writing a “Clemsoning” article is lazier than a Clowney article. You’re a sportswriter, so you have to write a meaningless filler article predicting the future of a team. You’re uninformed of Clemson’s weaknesses so you overrate them. They “underperform” according to your ignorant prediction. So instead of you biting the bullet and admitting you fucked up you blame the tem and try to create a meme out of it. You should be defenestrated. Clemson will be good this year and their o-line will be solid for the first time since Kyle Young ran shit in the trenches and Will Merritt was, well, there and not terrible. The defensive backfield will again be a weakness so expect breakout runs and deep passes by opposing teams but the offensive firepower and Chad Morris pace should be enough to make up for it. I think we’ll see a couple of losses this year but overall a good , solid outing by this team. I think a top tier bowl win is the team’s ceiling.
#9 - Louisville – Charlie Strong is a hell of a coach who was denied a lot of jobs because he is in an interracial marriage and also because he buttons his polo shirts up all the way. Both are true but only the first one is a disgusting reason to deny a solid, great man a job. He was my position coach at Lou Holtz Footbal Camp at Sakerlina. He’ll continue to build Louisville up but I still can’t be really bothered to care until they join the ACC which I don’t know whether has happened or not. Yeah that review got a little real didn’t it.
#10 – Florida – They’re Pitbull. Good sales, big fanbase, lots of awards, vaguely Hispanic, and I couldn’t really care less. Respect.
I’m competing in the Hong Kong International Comedy competition on Sept 28 so if you’re in HK, come check me out. I’m trying to win 5000 USD and spots at 3 of the top US comedy clubs. I heartily encourage those of you out there who have crafted a pretty solid comedy voice on Twitter to give it a shot in front of a live audience. It’s incredibly rewarding and sometimes you can have sex with a Swedish girl interning at the Shanghai IKEA who came to one of your shows.