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Police Blotter, Kalends of September

Those guys who spend gameday with their backs to the action have some stories to tell.

... and they share them with the public. Don't you wish you could do the same for your customers? You know, the special ones?


Public Intoxication: Event staff personnel observed a male subject display several signs of intoxication while attempting to enter the UT Football game. A UT Police Officer arrived on scene and attempted to identify the subject. The UT Student did not have a driver’s license and became agitated to the point that assistance was needed to control him. The subject provided multiple years for his date of birth and stated that the correct year was, "whatever year made him 94." The subject was not found to be 94 years old ...

But how can you be sure? Did he glitter? Did you count his rings? Perhaps he was conceived when Johnny Came Marching Home from Over There, spats and all, a gleam in his eye and syphilis in his pants, carrying Kaiser Wilhelm's left nut in an upholstered box. How do you know it wasn't Johnny Depp?

Public Intoxication: A UT Student enjoyed the UT Football game so much that he attempted to walk onto the field. Law Enforcement personnel observed the subject swaying and stumbling before falling down the stairs leading to the field.

Never do this, especially if you are in Longhorn Band. You will not look like this. It will not be special. You wouldn't like the field, anyway. It feels like you're walking on the bellies of obese house cats. How do I know this? Um, ...

Oh, look: someone else's pain!

Theft: A UT Student reported his iPhone missing after he celebrated a touchdown at the UT Football game. An unidentified witness stated, "a subject picked up the cellphone and continued walking up the steps."

His ... PHONE?



You have stolen a college student's phone. Unless you are over 50 years old, you cannot be innocent of sadism. That student is going to have to actually look at the world around him. He won't be able to run into people/lamp posts/parked cars anymore (while sober). He will be limited, God help me, to conversing only with people within earshot, showing his penis to those actually looking at his crotch, and he won't be able to hide his social ineptitude behind emoticons unless he drags a damned blackboard around campus. You have stolen all his tits, you beast!

On the other hand: points for style, World-Killer. Swiping something from a guy trapped in the heaving hive-creature that is Section Whatever is pretty smooth. In fact, the reader should know that there's a nasty series of thefts going around campus (no, I am not making the following up), where thieves take note of when you enter a restroom stall, then wait until they hear the sounds of evacuation, then steal your bag from under the stall door and run while you are still sporting a tail and have your pants around your ankles. Don't let this happen to you. Take imodium. And don't be afraid to say that word, either. Pretend you're in an Ogden Nash poem.

Public Intoxication: A UT Student was seen attempting to use his Chase bank card as a ticket in order to enter the UT Football game. The subject continued to "Chase what matters" and eventually located his ticket to gain admittance into the game. The subject displayed several signs of intoxication including a bloody nose ...

Wait, what? Holy shit, UTPD! I gotta party with you guys. Here I thought I was an established drinker, when my symptoms are things like eating all the leftovers and crying when Spock dies in the Wrath of Montalban. But no. UTPD is washing down scorpion venom with tallboys of Viking Ballsweat or some shit.

But perhaps our Chase-wielding dudebro was making sure everyone knew who he was, like the next thing you know Herbert Fillmore Thornton Chase IV is going to ask the staff if they have any Grey Poupon. They're gonna luh-huh-huh-huv him in Morgantown.

Fraud, Credit Card or Debit Card Abuse: A Non-UT female subject reported her credit card missing and later used without her consent, for unauthorized purchases. Estimated Loss: $ 17.67 ...

You have stolen a credit card at DKR. The window is closing quickly, and soon you will lose access to their wealth. So, you take yourself and the rest of your Russian Mafia buddies to ... WingStop™? You suck. And your MediCare scam lacks imagination. Please don't hurt me.

Evading Arrest or Detention, 2 Charges of Possession of a Dangerous Drug, 6 Charges of Possession of a Controlled Substance, Theft, Burglary and a partridge in a pear tree….: A Non-UT male subject was seen by alert UT Police Officers leaving the area of an activated building alarm. The subject began to run when UT Police Officers approached him and he disregarded several requests to stop. The subject eluded UT Police Officers long enough to get into his vehicle and drive away, again disregarding request to stop. Quick thinking UT Police Officers were able to get a license plate number of the vehicle and broadcast the information over the radio. A UT Police Officer located the vehicle driving on Clyde Littlefield road and conducted a traffic stop. In plain view, an additional UT Police Officer observed several needles and pill bottles on the floor board of the vehicle. A search of the vehicle revealed the subject was in possession of a plethora of illegal drugs and prescriptive drugs not issued to him, as well as metals belonging to the University of Texas.

No, that's what it said. I haven't altered a word. "Metals"? You mean like, gold? Platinum? Copper? If you hear banjo music, copper is a safe bet. But why, in the name of the lanthanide and actinide series, have the drug dealers of Austin abandoned discretion and declared war on SCIENCE?

Game Day brings out the best in all of us, and when that best consists of vomit and victimhood, UTPD is there to clean it up. Buy them a beer and come back after the next home game to laugh at the suffering of others.