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Texas Longhorns Roundball Roundup: Something Something Danger Zone

Texas enters a particularly brutal stretch.

Brendan Maloney-USA TODAY Sports

At 2-2 in conference play, the Texas Longhorns sit in a precarious position. The .500 record isn't the problem. It's the upcoming stretch of four games: vs. Iowa State, vs. Kansas State, at Baylor, vs. Kansas. In order to have a realistic shot at the NCAA Tournament, Texas will need to steal a home game (or three) against some of the better teams in the conference.

Are you tired of the same old refrain? Sterling Archer is. Let's start getting some quality W's, Texas.

All Things Burnt Orange:

Oklahoma 88, Texas 85, Texas State 53 (Sat 1/4) Oklahoma State 87, Texas 74 (Wed 1/8) Texas 67, Texas Tech 64 (Sat 1/11) Texas 80, West Virginia 69 (Mon 1/13) | First Four Record 2-2 | Overall Record 13-4

Now for some Archer Season Five premiere quotes!

"What? I brought roses!"

To Connor Lammert, who scores an A for effort as the unheralded glue guy off the bench. Love ya, Connor.

"Well, he died doing what he loved. Getting shot."

To Javan Felix, who hasn't met a shot he didn't like. Felix is shooting a brutal 35.9% from the field this year, which is a tick up from his 35.4% lat year. On the plus side, he has raised his 3-point percentage to a simply mediocre 32.0%. Felix also hit the game-winning 3 against Temple and took over the final minutes of the North Carolina game. Sometimes, irrational confidence just works.

"On second thought, I'd very much prefer to be taken alive. Just let me clear the old browser history, and no no no no no!"

To Jonathan Holmes, the lone upperclassman on the team who has become Texas' go-to player. He doesn't look or play like a number one option, but he's pulled it off real nice. He leads the team in scoring and just missed on the team lad in rebounding, a smidgen behind Ridley. It looks like he pushed reset on the team's last two mediocre seasons and put this team on his back.

"Sorry, Ramona. I know to you it's one big sexy briar patch."

To Isaiah Taylor, who plays a fearless brand of basketball and isn't afraid to bully his way into the lane. He doesn't really know what he wants to do when he gets into the briar patch, but that will come with talent development and experience. I'm really excited to see how good a player Taylor is as an upperclassman.

"You heard me, J. Edna."
"Not. One. Word."
"Well, except for those three. And...then those five."
"And that one..."

To Kendal Yancy, who doesn't put up big numbers but keeps churning along as the fifth guy in the starting lineup.

"Is it murder if they were my own clones? I'm seriously asking."

To Martez Walker, who is getting a lot of bench miles. At this point in the season, Walker must feel like the fourth carbon copy of Rick Barnes' Wing-1000 prototype. He sits behind Holland, Yancy, and Croaker in the pecking order of minutes played.

"Oh, because speaking of sexual assault..."
"Which time? Because for one of them I have a pretty good excuse."
"Can I stop you please?"
"That's what he said! Ahem. Inappropriate."

To Prince Ibeh, who has an insane block percentage of 16.3%. That number would put him in the top 10 if he qualified (per Ken Pomeroy, 40% of minutes played is required for qualification). He will stop you please.

"And so if I were you..."
"You'd get laid a lot more?"

To Brandon Allums, who gets to play the "I'm on the basketball team" card at DG parties.

"You know what's a bad idea? Prison."
"Because--spoiler alert--they're unisex."
"Hello? Best part."

To Damarcus Croaker, who best plays the scoring spoiler. Early on in the season, I was wondering why Croaker functioned mostly as a spot-up 3-point shooter when he could use his superior athleticism to get to the basket more often. Well, Croaker is up to 39.6% shoting from distance on the season. Not a bad idea after all.

"Nope. Uh-uh. Nooope. Because correct me if I'm wrong, but that entire document is completely unenforceable."
"I correct you. You are wrong."
"For God's sake, Sterling. It's the government. Even if it weren't legal, they'd enforce it."

To Cameron Ridley, who has become Texas' resident enforcer. The light is going on for the big guy who has shown improvement across the board. He ranks in the top 400 nationally in effective field goal percentage, rebounding percentage, and block percentage. Ridley is also getting to the free throw line at an incredible rate, and knocking down a not-atrocious 61.2%. If he could cut down his turnovers, he's an all-conference candidate going into next year.

"Oh my God! Beaker's boss! Bunsen freakin' Honeydew! Ohhh. Oh. That was figuratively killing me."

To Danny Newsome, who, as walk-on extraordinaire functions as the equivalent of Brett Bunsen (may he rest in peace). Thanks to foul trouble, Texas gave Newsome actual playing time in the first half of the Oklahoma St. game. He responded with a 0 trillion.

"It's going to be hard to go back to an accounting firm after this job."
"Especially after Mother gives you a sh*tty reference. Mother, do that."

To Tarale Murry, who has 1.5 more years of walk-on bliss before having to get a real job.

"Well don't come crying to me when that fatherless kid of yours buys a gun and steals a car and he tries to run but he don't get far."
"In the ghetto, where Mac Davis sucks it."

To Demarcus Holland, who definitely has "#1 country singer" written all over him. He won't be the top 40 pop music superstar, but he can certainly become an all-conference player by the time it's all said and done if he works hard enough. Getting a credible jumper is step one.

"Archer Vice!"
"Nothing. Shut up."

To Rick Barnes, who has basically rebranded himself as a fast and loose coach having fun. If this is the end, he's going down guns blazing.

Big 12 Power Rankings:

1. Kansas Jayhawks (12-4, 3-0)

2. Oklahoma St. Cowboys (14-2, 2-1)

3. Iowa St. Cyclones (14-2, 2-1)

4. Baylor Bears (13-2, 1-1)

5. Kansas St. Wildcats (13-4, 3-1)

6. Oklahoma Sooners (13-4, 2-2)

7. Texas Longhorns (13-4, 2-2)

8. West Virginia Mountaineers (10-7, 2-2)

9. TCU Horned Frogs (9-6, 0-3)

10. Texas Tech Red Raiders (8-8, 0-3)