Corey does not represent the views of Barking Carnival, Vox Media and almost anyone over age 33.
When last we spoke, I outlined my super-compelling case for beer sales at DKR. This has fallen on deaf hearts, but still I must press on for what is right, like Mandela or Tesla.
The Charlie Strong Era has gone cray-cray and jumped many sharks. We have given him literally eons to get it right (8 weeks on the skedge and counting), but where are the results? I gave SkyRim three weeks before quitting because Elder Scrolls felt slightly too derivative. Does Strong deserve more leeway from me than Cinemablend's Best MMORPG of a Generation? #AssassinsCreedStillRules
Results are not just about the win-loss record. In my view, everyone is a champion for being born and getting Gmail. What matters most in life is how you are perceived, irrespective of your actions. Strong has very little Instagram presence and a legacy lacking in YOLO and positive energy. His social media footprint is a joke and he hasn't updated his LinkedIn profile since 2004.
Let me give you more damning deets:
Charlie Narc suspended all of the most hype players who reject corporate constructs. Simply for hitting the Cheeba. The Kali. The Bubonic Skunk. It has been proven by many online polls and the state of Colorado that marijuana is a mind-expanding human right. The fact that Strong dismissed the players at 4:20 in the afternoon was an added cruelty. Some of these players received only five chances in less than a year. Do you think Strong would dismiss these players if they kept getting drunk all of the time and missing classes? Of course not. He is in the pocket of the vermouth lobby. As are you. You just got served, societal hypocrisy. #CoreyBlewUrMind
Strong is judgey-judgey. Legolas or Buddha once said,"Do not walk in my shoes unless you also have feet that have also been in shoes." We must never judge. Everyone is amazing! We are all unique and exceptional. Except the things that suck. Everything is either awesome or it sucks. Anything that challenges my beliefs of rightness sucks.
I want to tell you a harrowing story about what an approach like Strong's gets you. I am a proud Honors Communications student. I had a professor - acclaimed whatever award-winning whatever #boring - who told me on the first day of class that this would be the toughest class we'd ever had and that he'd challenge us all to grow. He outlined a strenuous reading program and confirmed that all of our tests would be essays graded by his own pen. He bragged that he only gave 10% A's. He said his door would always be open and he gave us his e-mail and home phone in case we had questions. He asked us if we were ready to work like we never had before.
Obviously, I dropped the class and filed a complaint with the Dean. The day should begin with compliments, not patriarchal attacks and challenges to my personhood. I am an A student because I believe in my heart that I am. #Aggro #LetsAllGetAlong #UMadTho?
Charlie Strong lacks YOLO. He's square and boring. I was initially stoked by his hire because he is diverse and I embrace everyone #eracism!, but I was expecting more like a Reggie Watts or Drake-type of figure. Like a super-friendly, hip, non-threatening guy who just dominates the news cycle and has amazing Vines. Strong is always working and seems tired. He seems grumpy, like he'd yell at me for taking the summer to brew my own beer and sponge money from my folks instead of working my fingers to the bone 20 hours a week driving Uber.
He and his coaches always talk about wanting to be "blue collar." Like a barista or a bicycle messenger? No. Not valuable infrastructure. He means like a gross oil field worker or a coal miner #SupportSustainableSolar. This country was built by Google, Apple and file-sharing. Not sweat and railroads. Obviously coal miners are amazing people and I support them totally, but it might be best for all of us if they were somehow eradicated in a zombie apocalypse. #TheWalkingDeadTeamRick
Can the season be saved? Totes.
Strong should take the team backpacking in Thailand. Build their self-esteem. Do trust falls. Swing on ropes into lagoons. If you think you're doing a good job, then you are doing a good job. They could volunteer for three hours at a nonprofit and then spend three months getting Open Water SCUBA certifications. Tip: In a job interview, no one will press you if you say you worked at a non-profit. #ResumeGapTrick Another tip: when volunteering, make sure to take lots of selfies. Really hone in on the suffering and how it's affecting you. Charity doesn't count if no one sees you doing it!
Strong cannot recruit. Obvs. A Rick Ross type would garner interest and fascination with his super-compelling raps and cool way of being. When I see that buttoned up Strong polo I think middle manager at Auto Zone. Obviously, my argument is super-compelling. You'll probably just want to respond with,"THIS!" and Retweet it everywhere, but you do you. I can't compel you to share mind-blowing art.
Barking Carnival Executive Associate