You're jonseing. Hell, you're fiending. Quit pretending. I know you were watching the 2006 Rose Bowl late last week. But we don't judge here.
Hello, my name's Spider.
And I'm a football junkie. It's been almost three months since my last fix.
To understand how long that is in meme years, click here.
There really isn't much out there on Longhorn football, in part because Charlie Strong has taken the team to the skunk works until April 19, and until that time, this is Schödinger's Team. But I did track down all the stories I could, today, and filtered out all the ones involving hand gestures. Watching JFF lay claim to a plagiarized hand gesture is enough to inspire a number of other hand gestures, but there's no button on my WYSIWYG for that. SB Nation is still working on scratch 'n sniff.
There are no Kaylee Hartung interviews in this segment, just so you know.
Update: I'll take a break from the snark and tell you that the first half of this article really is Longhorn football news, giving some insight into Watson's approach to game planning. We now return you to your regularly-scheduled harrumph.
If you're an ESPN Insider subscriber, you can get past the foreplay in this article on Charlie Strong and spring ball. But, if you're like the rest of us, you're left wandering Zeedijk pressing your nose to the glass like an orphan in a depression-era movie. Remember to tell you wife you have no idea what I'm talking about.
If you're really desperate, you can click through one of those annoying slideshow 'articles' here. It won't tell you anything you don't already know about the team, but you can bitch about the format later on reddit and people will think you're so cool! There is a video of Rami Hammad hurting teenage boys that you might not have seen yet.
Charlie Strong apparently had the locks removed from the coaches' offices, as a symbolic gesture of openness and accessibility. You can read about that and some other tea-leaf/twitter reading here.
The same website has an interesting article on the changing meaning of "Mack Brown" as metaphor. This is the kind of thing that makes etymologies so interesting. Right, guys? Guys?
That's all there is, for now. Unless you'd like a nice reminder that the Fighting Irish come down here in 2016, in a matchup so hyped it will have Musburger crying into his styrofoam coffee cup at his court-ordered sexual harassment awareness training.
We'll never forget you, Brett!
Please post any rumors, twitter accounts, or prophetic dreams, below. Please. I'm begging you. I promise I won't tell your sponsor.