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Longhorn RB coach Tommie Robinson is your new Siri

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Tommie is Apple's latest and greatest productivity innovation. Don't take my word for it.  Observe.


Tommie, set my alarm for tomorrow morning!

Boy, get up with the sun and the chickens.  Find some inner drive.  I'm not doing any of that.

Tommie, where's the best pumpkin spice latte in this neighborhood?

Drink coffee black and make it at home.

Tommie, which Real Housewife of Orange County is the hottest?


Tommie, is the critically acclaimed HBO show Girls the voice of a generation?


Tommie, could a 200 pound man kill a mountain lion with a mountain bike multi-tool?


Tommie, pull up the Petersen presentation for review.

Boy, you spend all morning looking at Youtube mountain lion attack videos and skimming sports websites and now you want to handle your business 45 minutes before the client meeting?  Pitiful.

Tommie, please pull up the Petersen presentation.  Now!

You don't know what hard work means, son.  Complete nonsense.  That makes me sick right there. All this opportunity and you playing grab ass.  No sir.  Not today.  Not.  To.  Day.

Tommie, what is the capital of Uzbekistan?

Now you're standing in the break room arguing about world capitals instead of doing your work?  Why didn't you pay attention in World Geography back in 10th grade?  I'll tell you why. Because you didn't want to learn.  Obdurate and truculent.

Tommie, is Almaty the capital of Uzbekistan?

Tashkent.  That's a pity answer for your ignorant ass.

Tommie, call Janet.

Absolutely not.  Sneaky, no-good little buck-toothed felon.  You need to find a good girl.  Not some tramp who looks like she ride motor cross.

Tommie, connect Janet!

I'll connect a foot to your ass.  I'm willing to call Kim, however.  That's a substantial young lady you can build a future with.

Tommie - I'm ordering you - CALL JANET!!!

YAWWNNNNN.  That's me yawning at you, son.  Because you're trifling. Kim then.

Now we're coming to an understanding...but before that, the Petersen presentation.  Get to work.

Too much nonsense from you today, y'hear?  Three nonsense questions about absolute silliness before 10am. Then you're grab-assing in the break room when there's work to be done.  Unacceptable.  Won't have it.  Understand me, son?

Yes, Tommie.

Hmmm?  What?  I couldn't hear you.

Yes sir, Tommie.  I'll focus.  I'm...too silly.

Good.  Get to work.  I'll be back with further instructions later in the day.

Now run to your desk!  On my whistle!