Putting the "T" Back in The Pregamer
Where does the time go? It seems like only yesterday we stumbled forth from the Alamodome, wondering why our history professor was so hell-bent on making us remember it.
We entered the offseason in our usual manner - a training regimen consisting of True Detective deadlifts and Reddit squat thrusts, followed by the occasional light reading. But summer would prove fleeting. August approached, and it came time to dust off the ol' game tape to prep for the coming season.
And that's when it hit us. He's gone--he's really gone.
You know who we're talking about. About yea tall? Used to clap a lot? Hair far more suited for the SEC than half its current coaches? Won a national championship the year he added a hip hop mix to his iPod? Yeah, that's the guy. Say what you will about Mack Brown, but a funny thing happened over the last few years of his tenure. While life may have been hard on the team, our job had gotten kinda easy.
We'd grown complacent, nay, entitled. We anointed our columns to 5-star status without writer competition. We treated Sally's cookies as an all you can eat buffet, ignorant of our fattening waistlines. But the old man has moved on down the road, and much like the Santa Rita Oil Rig across from DKR, the well has run dry--all we have left is the drone of the endless recordings.
As you may have heard, there's a new sheriff in town and we are feeling a little out of our depth. We didn't even know there was a hole for the top button of a polo shirt.
We'll spare you the puns. The STRONG feelings, about STRONG moves on the staff. This is a whole new comedy game. What if we aren't funny anymore? What if the Longhorns are so competent they are... ...boring? Can we do boring? There's only one way to find out.
Get excited baby, it's FOOTBALL SEASON!
Better Know a Roster
- Andy Flusche (DE, RS FR) - there's something slightly poetic about a guy named after the sound a toilet makes hailing from Muenster, TX.
I give you Sir Calvin Wallace the Unburnt (Redshirt SO), Son of Rastus and Joygina, watcher of the game tape, warden of the defense (DT), destroyer of pancakes.
O'Keeron Rutherford (WR, FR) - Skipping the low-hanging fruit of the Mobile Leprechaun and diving into the Googles led me to find that besides the vocalist for Thin Lizzy, Ireland is SO white that the phrase "black Irish" refers to those with black hair...instead of red.
Tee Goree (WR, FR) - presumably named after 19th century Bengali polymath and Nobel Prize recipient Rabindranath Tagore. Strong.
Antoinne Jimmerson (RB, JR) - If you were to say his name aloud, people would presume you were mumbling the answer to "name 3 Cavs players BEFORE 2014."
Darvin Kidsy (WR, SO) - Kidsy is about 19. Darvin Ham destroyed a backboard about 20 years ago...I pray that is his namesake.
Kaydon Kirby (OL, RS SO) - middle name "Kenneth."
Cannon Maki (FB, FR) - Maki is a type of sushi, so you can feel my palpable grief when the term "sushi cannon" netted no great Japanese invention or even a video of Nick Cannon sadly eating a roll trying to get over Mariah Carey.
UPDATED: IT EXISTS! BABELFISH JUST TRANSLATED TO SUSHI BAZOOKA INSTEAD OF SUSHI CANNON!
Bo Pullin (OL, FR) - converts to 2.5 metric Bo Pelini's, give or take one cat.
Wylie Reinhardt (TE, SO) Lairamie Lee (DB, SR) - You're telling me these guys are football players and NOT on the Professional Bull Riders circuit?
Turner Smiley (WR, RS FR) - the "Boy Named Sue" of the Emoji generation.
Better Know a Coach - Dan McCarney
Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports
- In 2000, won 9 games (including a bowl) in a stacked Big 12 that included an Eric Crouch led Cornhuskers team (#1 most of the year), THAT OU team, and an inexplicably world-class K-State team.
- Sage Rosefels was his quarterback. 9 wins with a quarterback most famous for becoming the human incarnation of the ROFLcopter.
- In 2012 he suffered a stroke. To which he replied: “Nothing wrong with me that a little Grey Goose won’t cure.”
- Even though you may not have heard of him, his daughter thinks him famous enough to namedrop after being arrested and attacking a cop.
- Brought Wade Phillips in this week to teach his team “how to be champions.” ...Because, as Cowboys fans know, Wade totally knows.
TEJAS CHAOS: I like our chances against a school that's biggest source of revenue is renting the Super Pit for high school graduation ceremonies.
KYLE CARPENTER: (The "Artist" Formerly Known as DAILY HEXAN) If Strong is putting the "T" back in Texas, then let's make this one last celebration of Mack's lifetime supply of the "exas" (read: excess). Run it up, Charlie. 76-7, 4 TDs for big Malcolm Brown and a fat guy TD for bigger Malcom Brown.
VYPUMPFAKE: Charlie Strong takes no prisoners because toughness. 42-10.
Drink up UNT, it's football season!