When many looked at the opening 6 games of the season, 3-3 seemed like a very likely possibility. Not necessarily optimistic, but definitely realistic. We now go on the road to the greater Arlington/DFW area two weeks in a row, the first of which to take on a pretty decent #3 team in the country...and getting to .500--a goal that 5 years ago would be jail-able for even thinking--only takes a miracle, a prayer, and the feel-good part of the
2015 Texas Longhorn football documentary feature film Remember the Titans (where ScipioTex is Bill Yoast?).
The team seems salty enough, but we could always use a little help from the man upstairs (not you Bob Bowlsby).
Now, would the congregation please rise? In communion with our Horned Frog brethren, please open your hymnals to #45-35.
We three Pregamers of Austin are
Bearing jokes we travel not far
Strong is shouting, Moorer is growling,
Following Spieth past par.
O Alan Eck your calls were insane,
Walt Anderson should be ashamed,
Britta’d forever, correct never,
They think over us they reign.
Horny purple throw us a bone,
It’s been rough our record has shown,
Rest your starters, don’t make it harder,
We’ll buy you all keystone.
O Heard of wonder, speed like flight,
Star of offense please alight,
Northward leading, Horned Frog beating,
Save us from Kansan plight.
Amen, and Hook 'Em.
Adidaz was thrilled to finally find a use for all that inventory after gambling big on the whole "vejazzling" craze.
Better Know a Roster
- Ranthony Texada (CB, SO) - Ranthony, probably born Yuri Alexandre Bolitchnakov, first popped up on the map as an 8th grade B-teamer in Frisco, Texas in 2008. But where was he before that? Records are scant. But it takes but a mere "I've read the Da Vinci Code, so I'm a cryptologist" to trace his name--poorly cryptologized--to Anthony, Texas, a town near El Paso. Anthony is known as the Leap Year Capital of the World," a title it shares with nearby Anthony, NM. Every four years, this town, which basically shares a name with the 20-year old CB, throws a party to celebrate leap year and leap babies. And you know who is a leap baby? Motivational speaker Tony Robbins. You know who else? Poet/rapper/body builder Ja Rule. Add to the list: Your favorite character actor Dennis Farina, John Byrom, Antonio Sabato Jr., Monte Kiffin, Mark Foster (of Foster the People), Tempest Storm, Pope Paul III, Dinah Shore, Taylor Twellman and, probably most importantly, longtime host of seminal American television show Cheaters, Joey Greco. Let that simmer for a minute. You know when the next leap year is? In 4 months, sheeple. #illuminaticonfirmed
- Kenny Hill (QB, JR) - Ha, remember when there was that other guy named Kenny Hill who was supposedly the best quarterback in the country and then he slept in a flower planter...oh? This is him. He pulled a Matt Joeckel?
- Kolby Listenbee (WR, SR) - A spelling bee for that guy who knows that if he just listens a little bit more and nods a little bit harder, Miranda will finally see that he’s been there all along. There are surely subreddits devoted to the listenbee. Significantly more neckbeards than the Spelling Bee.
- Ridwan Issahaku (S, RS FR) - "Hey, tell me again what you call those little poems with like a dozen syllables and like a 5-7-5 rhyme scheme or whatever?"
"For the last time 'dwan...
that Japanese poetry--
- Jaden Oberkrom (PK, SR) - True story, I was in Downtown Ft. Worth for a wedding a few weeks before the season started and they had a banner with Hesiman hopeful Boykin and the next one was for kicker Oberkrom. I was ready to be snarky because the best kicker alive right now is probably Justin Tucker and we’re all like "Oh that’s right. He’s a Longhorn. I had forgotten that, due to him being a kicker." There was gonna be considerable snark and even photos...but then we lost consecutive games (at least in part) due to kickers. Screw you, Oberkrom.
- Justus Canfield (WR, SO) - He can hit for power, he can hit for average, good speed, live arm. Glove? Wait, he got Halle Berry to tattoo his name on her butt? Yea, Dave Justice Canfield.
- Bram Kohlhausen (QB, SR) - He sounds like one of the bad guys from Dean Wormer’s preferred fraternity in Animal House.
- Davis Devereaux (LB, FR) - This one sounds like the above, if the film were re-shot in Louisiana. In this case, Dean Hebert would say something clever like "Ya know dat ‘laissez les bon temps rouler’ don’t begin with ‘Lazy,’ ya couillon."
- Cordel Iwuagwu (OG, FR) - Real talk, Walker, Texas Ranger is probably my dad’s all-time favorite show. If I was born in 1997, and that had been on for 4 seasons, I’m positive my name would also be Cordel.
- Dominic Merka (TE, SR) - Did you know that there was a short-lived British version of Ashton Kutcher’s mid-2000s cultural sensation "Punk’d"? It was hosted by (other kind of) footballer Rio Ferdinand, and he pranked people and then told them "you got Merked." That’s a real thing that happened.
Presidential Watch: Week 5 (16 of 44)
We've started to get to weekly duplicates, which is inconsiderate when calculating just how prolific the second half of the schedule will have to be. Subtracting the mega-longshots (anyone want to give odds on Obama, Van Buren, or Fillmore?) we'll need to average 4-per-week . Where are the Kennedys, Roosevelts, and Harrisons of the world?
- Josh Adams (RB, FR) - Notre Dame
- Sam Bush (OL, SO) - Notre Dame
- Jay Hayes (DL, SO) - Notre Dame
- Elijah Taylor (DL, FR) - Notre Dame
- Ty Carter (CB, RS SO) - Rice
- Driphus Jackson (QB, RS SR) - Rice
- Cameron Johnson (WR, FR) - Rice
- Sam Pierce (OL, RS FR) - Rice
- Jalen Jefferson (LB, SR) - Cal
- Dylan Harding (S, So.) - OSU
- James Washington (WR, So.) - OSU
- Johnny Wilson (OL, Fr.) - OSU
- Shaun Nixon (TB, RS FR) - TCU
TejasChaos: If there is such a thing as Karma, we must be saving up for something special. Will it be this week? Probably not.
VY Pump Fake: It took a stateside visit from the Pope to will TCU to a win last week. Not so lucky this time. Texas wins on a Hail Mary.
Kyle Carpenter: Remember the halcyon days when a bone-headed (if soul-crushing) ending resulted in us sinking into the depths of the Big 12 Tie-Breakers flowchart to see which number the Mack Brown vs. Mike Leach vs. Bob Stoops Chess Boxing match was and assess Mack's chances to win the trial-by-combat-and-chess and send us to the Ship? Now we sink into the depths of a stadium marked-up beer and consider if boneheaded kickers (and crooked refs) are going to oust one of the finest men in football. Let's hope Charlie has a miracle and can save his job (or that people aren't actually that dumb). 41-38 Texas?