After a hefty early schedule full of heavyweight opponents, Texas seems to have turned a corner. It would be a shame to miss this massive chance to get back to .500 and one win closer to the mouth-watering goal of bowling in December.
Last week, Texas feasted between the numbers - throwing their weight around in the trenches in a way that, well, we haven't seen much of recently. Big is the new sexy folks. Swallowing yard after yard, and basically out K-Stating K-State.
The Tyronasauras. Tybow Package. The 18 Wheeler. Swooptimus Prime. Double Down with Cheese. Whatever you want to call it - we will take a super sized version of of that goodness every single time.
Sure, its not the finesse game most of us are used to, and some may not have the stomach for it. But when it works, it works. More cushion for the pushing we always say. The hogs on the line are chasing defenders to the second level, and the backs are chasing the chubbies. The gains are big and beautiful.
This week we play an upset-minded Iowa State on Halloween (are we good enough to be upset now?!?). If we can get a similar push up front this week, a hefty point margin may just be in the works. But don't sleep on Iowa State. Ole Pappa Rhoads always has one stout game plan in him every year. Let's hope he wasted the girth of his luck last week hanging with Baylor for a respectable portion of the game. Zatfig.
Editors note: In light of changes on to the Iowa State coach staff, the Pregamer opening has been rewritten. We totally didn't recycle any joke material we were originally going to use... promise.
How Bad is ISU?
Considering the Longhorns have won the past two meeting against ISU by a combined negative-four points, this game should be a little frightening. Though their is record even worse than the 3-4 Longhorns, the 2-5 Cyclones really aren’t THAT bad. The 5 teams that have beaten Iowa State this year have a combined record of 32-3. And the three losses are all from Tech losing to #5 TCU, #2 Baylor and #14 Oklahoma.
- There are 12 undefeated teams left in the country, and ISU has played 4 of them (with Oklahoma State still looming).
- Combine the Cyclones’ first half against TCU with their second half against Baylor and you’d have a damn good team. Holding Baylor to 108 yards (3.9 per play) over the final two quarters Saturday, mounting a 20-0 run to close the game, and knocking Seth Russell out for the year are all impressive feats.
- Iowa State, inspired by Texas’ success with O-Line coach Joe Wickline calling the plays, installed an actual offensive line named Mark Mangino to call the plays. Again following Texas’ lead, they then switched both the quarterback and the playcaller, but threw in a good, old-fashioned Mack Brown scapegoat for good measure.
(It could’ve also been for breaking the strict, no-shorts rule issued after the Spring game...incident)
But What about the Numbers??
- #1 in Lawnstarter.com's ranking of Best Grass Fields (miles ahead of Kyle Field). Which just carries on the dynastic performance of the 1996 and 2012's Sports Turf Manager's Association National Grass champions. (Also have a dedicated Twitter Feed)
- Top 2 in RIOTING. Now have rivalry game out of it.
- Top 10 Mascot, with back-to-back national championships in 07/08.
- #6 in Arrests since 2010.
- #1 in Special Teams personality. This is (one of) their kickers, Swole Netten. This is their holder who is just AMPED to be alive. This is how much they love the Longhorns.
Better Know a Roster
A quick glance at the numbers behind Iowa State reveal a roster breakdown of:
- 53 Freshman
- 15 Seniors
- 23 Texans
- 3 Jesuit Schools
- 4 Catholic Schools
- 11 Junior College Transfers
- 3 Rhoads
- 0 Manginos
- Kamari Cotton-Moya (DB), Darian Cotton (DB) - I thought the South had a monopoly on Cotton. How would Iowa like it if we started planting Corns in the secondary?
- Jhaustin Thomas (DE) - Now I don't want to make assumptions here, but did his parents, knowing the "H" was silent in their last name, assume it was mandatory? His brothers Whilliam and Trhevor are less than Hhappy.
- Qujuan Floyd (DB) - New rule. If you play CC ball within visual distance of my apartment, you end up on this list. (SanMo Fighting Corsairs!). Name is only half as cool as his mom's (Shermanita - which sounds like a name TexAgs would use for recruits that came in under Mike Sherman).
- Quan West - If his self-referential, drunken rap name is not "QuanYe West," then I just don't understand kids anymore.
- Denver Johnson (WR) - Can't trust a guy named Denver from Oklahoma City who now lives in Iowa. Simply can't.
- Jordan Wallace (DB) - Marks the moment I first realized kids born in 1997 are playing college football now.
- Wyatt Rhoads (WR) - What a great story - kid grows up in Ames and has the same last name as College head coach. Heck - their dads even share the same name. What a crazy world.
- Jake Rhoads (WR) - The "hair" of the family. Also another Rhoads who grew up in Ames. Is everyone in Iowa related to each other?
- Sheldon Croney Jr. (RB) - This dude's uncle is Pittsburgh LB Joey Porter. Two of the 3 members of the Pregamer staff bleed black and gold (a condition that probably develops from a diet of pierogi and Terrible towels) and refuse to mock him. But from the sane one in the triumvirate, this guy pulled a Cheddar Bob/(Steelers great) Plaxico on himself. BEFORE he arrived in Iowa.
- Oh, and he and his Croneys did the heavy lifting for us (that is: Josh Ringelberg, Jared Gescheidler, Wyatt Rhoads, and Sheldon Croney, tweeted by Cyclone Conner Greene)
I knew I was gonna make friends in college but I didn't know they were gonna be power rangers pic.twitter.com/U7rDflxjSl— Conner Greene (@CPuff_Real) September 11, 2015
- Stephon Pickett-Brown (DB) - Last name is destined to end up as some congressional act your kids will have to remember in school. (Damn you Hawley-Smoot Tarriff of 1930!)
- Nigel Tribune (DB) - Has transition well to his role as starting DB, making second team Big-12-All-American last year. You could say Tribune (put on shades) Headlined for the defense. YEEAAHHH!
- Vince Horras (DE) - "And Vince Horras didn't even come home last night." - VY's wife, after they built the Cheesecake Factory down the street.
- Nick Fett (OL) - Cannot understand why he has at least two interactions a week similar to: "So, uh....want to get some coffee...or...tea...or maybe some...[Giggling and slapping each other on the stomach]...BOBA!"
- Reggan Northrup - Add to that list above, ZERO nom-de-prez as I'm not willing to end the 3-week POTUS drought for a bastardization of the greatest actor-president this country has ever known. (Reagan also makes a distinguished puppy name, fwiw).
Corny? Sure. This is the same company that presumably paid for product placement with the 2000s second best Nu Metal band (Limp Bizkit, duh) who coincidentally had the 2nd most recognizable logo with a backwards "R". But you have to assume the players try to convince themselves they are putting on "The Thing" costumes instead of "Shucking Up".
- Malik Jefferson - Maybe a certain alien character from a box office smash. A 1980s beloved classic. We mean ET, obviously (though Charlie might have the fingers for it).
- Jerrod Heard + Tyrone Swoopes - Step-brothers, natch. They started as rivals vying for the same love and affection and now have now become best friends.
- Charlie Strong - Obviously going as "The Man with the Golden Gun" from James Bond, by simply painting gold the silenced pistol he posses for a finger. And wearing the Golden Hat for good measure (no Oddjob jokes please, he's average height for an American male).
- Dana Holgorsen - We have noted before that Holgo is Trevor from Grand Theft Auto V personified.
- Mike Gundy - We've also noted many times that Mike Gundy is Sonic the Hedgehog, personified.
- Paul Rhoads - Any of these from the Ghosts of Barking Carnivals past. May I personally recommend "Gargamel-Headed Flamingonado With Crab Claws and Iowa State Pennant"
- David Beaty - This is Kansas’ head football coach, apparently. Probably goes as Bill Self.
TejasChaos: as of the this week, I've have had more vascular surgeries than Mark Mangino. Texas wins by 6.
VYPumpfake: Emotional Loss Rhoads > Inspirational Win Rhoads. Texas wins by six with a missed PA.
Kyle Carpenter: This Hallow's Eve will something of a Werewolf Bar Mitzvah for the Longhorns. It's time for the Boys to become Men. And the Men to become Wolves. 31-21, Horns.
Never gets old.
Parting Shot, Part 2
Hook'Em!! pic.twitter.com/PJOecpqtXv— Jeff Traylor (@CoachTraylor) October 29, 2015