We are a cordial bunch here at the Pregamer, but one week a year the gloves come off. It’s HATE WEEK and it’s time to wrap it up with a no-holds-barred, merciless, hide yo' kids, irreverent attack on the terra-takers. What we mean to say is, we’ll say some things the Prairie Poachers won’t like and hope that Joe Mixon isn’t around to [video evidence destroyed].
One of the keys to a successful life is the ability to empathize. Since we are Longhorns, and ipso facto are already successful in life, we are quite proficient in the skill of empathizing. As such, we will lower our station and put ourselves in rival shoes in an attempt to understand what it feels like to be… a Sooner.
- Being a Sooner fan feels like when you forgot about that cup of coffee you poured ten minutes ago and now it’s cold.
- Being a Sooner fan feels like the opposite of how we feel when that Jim Beam commercial with Mila Kunis comes on.
- Being a Sooner fan feels like being awarded a participation trophy.
- Being a Sooner fan feels like your bag of chips got stuck in the vending machine, and your arm is just a few inches short.
- Being a Sooner fan feels like watching "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader" for Jeff Foxworthy but having a weekly reminder that you must answer no to the title.
- Being a Sooner fan feels like your life is a 40-mile commute on Mopac.
- Being a Sooner fan feels like being the other Manning brother.
- Being a Sooner fan feels like when this week’s new episode is a recap/flashback episode.
- Being a Sooner fan feels like Jack did when Kate wouldn’t move over on that floating door.
- Being a Sooner fan feels like the alternate timeline where Trump wins the Presidency.
- Being a Sooner fan feels like you accidentally liked someone’s Instagram from 2 years ago.
- Being a Sooner fan feels like if the next Star Wars movie is bad.
- Being a Sooner fan feels like finding out Pluto isn’t a planet, over and over.
- Being a Sooner fan feels like when they closed Texadelphia.
- Being a Sooner fan feels like the day AFTER the Trudy’s trifecta.
- Being a Sooner fan feels like when an airline loses your luggage.
- Being a Sooner fan feels like ‘bend over and cough’.
- Being a Sooner fan feels like living in Arlington, where even the MLB team you house puts Dallas on their T-shirt.
OK, you’re right, we’ve gone too far. In the end you have to count yourself lucky when you have a rival that you can play in a historic and unique setting every year, a rival that you can actually get excited to play when your team is 1-3. We’ve never tasted that Oklahoma Suks beer, but if you have a can handy raise it high and join us in a hearty cheer. To our brothers and sisters up across the river, may your mediocre career keep food on the table, may your cousin be an adequate parent to your children, and may your annual vacation to Oklahoma City treat you to a nice appetizer at Chili’s!
OU sucks. Hook ‘em.
Genghis Khan nearly conquered the world. If not for a few setbacks with his progeny and succession, we may all be speaking Mongolian and eating at the world’s only existing restaurant: P.F. Chang’s. He is unquestionably one of the greatest military minds of recorded history, and one of his favorites in the playbook was the "feigned retreat."
Essentially, the Mongols would simulate panic, fear, disorganization, and convince anyone who wasn’t privy to the gameplan that they were retreating in utter disarray. After drawing out the foe, they would unleash a devastating and coordinated counter-attack to an over-confident and out-of-their-element foe.
Now besides showing off the value of the obviously well-rounded education received at UT, what does this have to do with OU?
When Bobby "Western Xia Dynasty" Stoops leaves Oklahoma--with a team of mainly Texans (49 on the OU roster!)--for the green fields of Dallas, Texas, he will be getting involved in a land war in Asia. And he will come charging after the "vulnerable" Longhorns...but what if it was all a ruse?
What if Nick Rose intentionally missed those kicks and Fumbles McShrimpontheBarbie wasn’t just allergic to catching a snap? What if Walt Anderson is a sworn General for the Longhorn Army and Alan Eck was just following orders? What if ScipioTex was just stoking the flames to really (REALLY) sell it? What if they made it SEEM like TCU was playing against an average 3A high school team? What if Bevo isn’t actually dying of a broken heart? What if this is the greatest feigned retreat in the history of sport?
This was all a part of Charlie’s master plan. Now, in honor of winning out the rest of the season and heading to a respectable Bowl Game, let’s go build the perfect bowl at Genghis Grill. For Genghis Strong.
Oklahoma, a state not blessed with natural beauty in either land or creature, looks to buck that ugly trend with these beauts from Adidaz.
This is Why DKR Banned Xanga:
You may have heard that Twitter was aflutter with Texas bickering this past week. What the LAMESTREAM MEDIA failed to show you was the context around the tweets. The Pregamer would like to issue a formal apology for our instigating role in the distracting headlines. One of these days we’ll learn to keep it in our pants. In our drafts. We meant to say in our drafts.
Better Know a Roster
You know the typical OU fan, now you better know the roster.
- Du'Vonta Lampkin (DT, Fr.) - In Spanish, his name loosely translates to "I’Wanta Blumpkin." Not that he’d know that...
- Jack Aubel (LS, Fr.) - Pronounced "Jackable." You could go the #StraightOuttaCompton route, or you could go the sophomoric route here. Regardless, say your kid’s name out loud before finalizing it.
- Dakota Austin (CB, Jr.) - The inverse results of CNN’s "Best Places to Live" list.
- Najee Bissoon (S, RSo.) - Literally the best video ever recorded of someone playing the bassoon was Stephen Colbert...not playing it. Cool namesake, Najee.
- Grant Bothun (WR, RJr.) - If Berman called him Grant "Higgs" Bothun, he’d redeem decades of being the worst, leather.
- Eric Delay (WR, Fr.) - I can already see a bright future for this kid. Attaining the highest possible industry and tax bracket that an OU degree can avail: "Well wur back once a‘gin fer your daily hotakes on Oklahoma BOOMER! SOONER! Football. Only on 94.7, whur we broadcast at 4:59, cuz we don’t wait for no 5-a-clock hour. That’s rught. It’s [Opening chords to "Boomer Sooner" begin] DELAY. OF. GAME."
- Derek Farniok (T, RSr.) - Little Lord Farniok.
- Neville Gallimore (DT, Fr.) - this guy sounds more "landed gentry" than "land thief."
- P.L. Lindley, (LB, RSr.) - I swear I read him in 7th grade English -- which is, ironically, the average reading level for the state of Oklahoma.
- P.J. Mbanasor (CB, Fr.) - On PBS Kids: P.J. the Mbanasorus!
- Matthew Romar (DT, RSo.) - You know what you get when you cross a Romar with a Boomer?
- Jaxon Uhles (FB, RSo.) - This is the 2nd Jaxon we’ve played in 6 games. Quit rubbing it in, world.
- Stanvon Taylor (CB, Jr.) - In accordance with his Austrian heritage, it is actually "Stan von Taylor." Okies just naturally assumed it was two first names.
Presidential Watch: Week 6 (17 of 44)
While we know there could never possibly be a president from the state (is it even a state? Weren't we going to demote it to Commonwealth in exchange for Puerto Rico?), the list must be updated.
- Josh Adams (RB, FR) - Notre Dame
- Sam Bush (OL, SO) - Notre Dame
- Jay Hayes (DL, SO) - Notre Dame
- Elijah Taylor (DL, FR) - Notre Dame
- Ty Carter (CB, RS SO) - Rice
- Driphus Jackson (QB, RS SR) - Rice
- Cameron Johnson (WR, FR) - Rice
- Sam Pierce (OL, RS FR) - Rice
- Jalen Jefferson (LB, SR) - Cal
- Dylan Harding (S, So.) - OSU
- James Washington (WR, So.) - OSU
- Johnny Wilson (OL, Fr.) - OSU
- Shaun Nixon (TB, RS FR) - TCU
- Cody Ford (OL, FR) - OU
Tejas Chaos: The past couple years have not been kind for the Sooner's either, losing some recruiting ground in state to rising competition. They still beat us by 14. That's about as funny as I can get this week.
VY Pump Fake: Guys, I can’t stop streaming Najee songs. What is this sorcery? Now I’ve started a Kenny G song simultaneously. Someone please help. Oh, the game? I’m so mellow I can’t even fight it. OU by 10.
We couldn't pass up a chance to add a final heaping of Boomer-Que on your plates.