Press Your Luck
Remember Press Your Luck? No, why would you. Well it was a hit CBS game show in the heart of the Reagan era whose most distinguishable features were these spaces you could land on called whammies which would wipe out all your winnings. So the producers contractually obligated contestants to say ‘no whammies’ ad nauseum until they inevitably hit one and lost all their money. That’s the show in a nutshell and more on topic, that’s kind of how this entire Longhorn season has felt – like a randomized game show where you have the off chance of big bucks (OU win), vengeful whammies (ISU), with a lot of mediocre wins and underwhelming losses sprinkled in between.
Texas’ problem is that we enter our games with a metaphorical specter on each shoulder. On the left shoulder is a miniature Charlie with abnormally long index finger outstretched, golden gallon perched atop his glistening dome. On the right shoulder is an Iowa State linebacker alternating between knowing smirks and condescending head nods. So we walk into Morgantown and it’s basically a coin flip which of them the team will listen to. Trying to predict the outcome of a Texas game is my collegiate diet level of fruitless (San Jac quesadillas and only San Jac quesadillas). The only conclusion that can be drawn is that no conclusions can be drawn. We could walk into Morgantown and run for 400 yards no problem. We could also run for 4 yards. I really have no idea.
What I do know is that it’s exciting. Each game is like a fresh hand of blackjack, where 21 is just a flip of the cards away. Unfortunately the season is slowly resembling an hour at the same blackjack table drunk on free booze, tracing the edges of those promoter cards in your pocket with your index finger while your cumulative dealer tips quickly begin to outweigh your remaining winnings. But you know what, would you rather be playing slots, your pockets stuffed with 14 cent vouchers, basically knowing you’ll never win money but taking comfort in the safety that you won’t lose everything in one go? That is not living!
So press your luck friends, flip the card, roll the dice and embrace the volatility. But dear God please, no (more) whammies, no whammies, no whammies.
Adidaz has really outdone themselves this week! The helmets are equipped with coonskin caps for all the authenticity and practicality of a separate state that isn't quite Virginia. Also, look out for what appears to be a gun stock behind this wonderfully-tasseled number.
Better Know a Roster
These kids--willingly and with consent--flock to the mountains where the moon don't shine (it just goes down smooth), so they deserve a bit of gentle ribbing.
- Stone Wolfley (TE/FB, Fr.), Stone Underwood (OL, r-Sr.) - This team has two players named Stone (of the 3 in the NCAA this season), and I can’t decide which one sounds more like a WWE jobber.
- Daryl Worley (CB, Jr.) - Hailing from Philadelphia, his birth name was actually Julius Balboa Franklin Papale Worley, but he had it legally changed in 2003. He hasn’t forgotten.
- Dontae Angus (OL, r-Fr.) - What a terrific name for a 6-foot-5, 320 lb bull of a lineman. Dontae, that is.
- Dravon Askew-Henry (S, So.) - They originally tried him at WR, but the coaches were baffled that he could never master running a straight route.
- R.C. Brunstetter (LS, r-Fr.) - He's from a place called "Mocksville, North Carolina." We were waiting to see if he could lend the his mocking talents, but... ..."R.C. Didn't offer."
- Yodny Cajuste (OL, r-Fr.) - This one is beyond words.
- Chris Chugunov (QB, Fr.) - Everyone should have a college buddy with a name like Chugunov. Ironically the Pregamer beer bong is named Ivana Chugunov, no relation.
Karl Joseph (S, Sr.) - Not only cursed with two first names, but two Commie ones! No middle name listed, but I think it’s safe to assume it’s
- D.L. Knock (WR, Fr.) - Before you could lowkey sext, slide in those mentions, or whatever it is the kids are doing on hinge these days, "cloak and meat-dagger" dating was all about the D.L. Knock.
- Rushel Shell (RB, r-Jr.) - Mark: We liked him even at NC State, Lou. Lou: You shee Mark, you gotta believe. Rushel makes you believe. From his convishion, to his passshion, you believe. Even washing Rushel Shell the play-asshion pasch, you believe...
Presidential Watch: Week 12 (18 of 44)
What an unexpected school to bring back our Presidential Watch for the first time in 6 weeks. Also helps avoid the upset of an unrepresented Tyler, but Harding getting in!
- Josh Adams (RB, FR) - Notre Dame
- Sam Bush (OL, SO) - Notre Dame
- Jay Hayes (DL, SO) - Notre Dame
- Elijah Taylor (DL, FR) - Notre Dame
- Ty Carter (CB, RS SO) - Rice
- Driphus Jackson (QB, RS SR) - Rice
- Cameron Johnson (WR, FR) - Rice
- Sam Pierce (OL, RS FR) - Rice
- Jalen Jefferson (LB, SR) - Cal
- Dylan Harding (S, So.) - OSU
- James Washington (WR, So.) - OSU
- Johnny Wilson (OL, Fr.) - OSU
- Shaun Nixon (TB, RS FR) - TCU
- Cody Ford (OL, FR) - OU
- Jeremy Tyler (S, Jr.) - WVU
Take me HOME, Country Roads
The once-mighty Texas Longhorn offense has averaged a respectable 37+ points per game at home (or on a neutral site). But on the road? If not for a last gasp touchdown against TCU, they would be averaging ONE. ONE POINT A GAME! The hospital kid managed more on Cardale Jones!
So we’ve tried to come up with some tricks for making Morgantown (population 31,073) feel like more familiar ground for the Longhorns (UT student population 50,821). But nothing about that place is particularly familiar for the urbane, sophisticated denizens of Texas' capital city.
So what is the most familiar thing to be found in this particular slice of Appalachia? Well "Everyman" Dana
Horsewomen Holgorsen, of course! Stop me if you've seen these before.
Remember the Coordinators
Grand Theft Holgo
(A) Shining (Coaching Example)
(In no particular order: Scott Patterson, Buffalo Bill, both characters from Kingpin, Phil Collins, Bobcat Goldthwait, Bob Odenkirk, and Ron Howards’ brother from the Happy Madison movies)
Kyle Carpenter: WVU is fresh off an impressive win in this year's iteration of the "Sunshine on my God-Damn Shoulders: John Denver Bowl," the Mountaineers should be in great form. And you have to worry that even if the Horns start of well, Holgo is legendary for his 2nd half adjustments. Nonetheless, in a quick game where each team completes only 10 passes, Texas squeaks out a 38-35 win.
Tejas Chaos: If only country road wasn’t on the road. I fear for our offense in Morgantown. The Mountaineers by a touchdown.
VY Pump Fake: Taking the over on couches burned (O/U 3.5). 2 interceptions by the young secondary aren’t enough for the win. Mountaineers by 2 authentic muskets.
We posted this last year, but it is still so incredibly perfect:
West Virginia's Student Government has a very serious, very real video about a social issue that has been plaguing their school. #SavetheCouches.