We’ve reached the Point of Know Return, my friends. Can our Wayward Sons Carry On? Three more wins might sound like Miracles Out of Nowhere, but it’s that, or this season is Dust in the Wind. It’s a sad reality that the win over OU is likely The Pinnacle of our season. Icarus we were, and Iowa State the sun.
Happy post-election day Pregamer, my fellow Longhorns! Yes, that’s right you were supposed to go vote on Tuesday. Clearly it’s no surprise to hear that there was record-low turnout. And with that segue into Longhorn fandom – let’s talk strategy! We’ve tried the burn it down, salt the earth Roman Andrew Jackson, the blitzkrieg of uber-optimism, and the rational Vulcan mind-bore. What have these approaches yielded? A 24-0 shutout to Iowa State and more sadface Shiner Bocks than I can count. It’s time to pivot and put some lipstick on that pig. I have a proposition (no not that kind) that will bring the ultimate victory.
[I was going to write something here and then I made the mistake of clicking on a Vince Young career highlights video.]
Ok, so Prop 4th and 5:
All D1 prospects in the great state of Texas must enroll in the Texas selective football service.
Instead of a random draft, Charlie just gets to pick which players he wants.
Mark Emmert has to announce the picks so we all get to boo him on nationally televised LHN.
Alan Eck has to run the selection cards to Emmert for each pick.
5% of football revenue goes to the players.
5% of football revenue goes to Barking Carnival writers.
Vince Young has indefinite eligibility.
I think we can all agree these are reasonable measures without bias. So be a #HERO and Rock, Chalk the vote next November, keeping an eye out for Prop 4th and 5. This is one political campaign we can all get behind, so make sure you socialize the concept with the key voting demographic in your region: grandmothers, radical republicans, campaign volunteers and people trying to sleep with campaign volunteers. Go America!
(This message was not not approved by Lance Berkman)
Style and sustainability!
Adidaz is doing the eco-friendly thing by making these beauties out of all the recycled Royals gear that everyone on my Facebook timeline inexplicably happened to find "in the back of the closet" right around the time the Royals took a 2-0 lead in the World series.
Better Know a Roster
Last year bow ties, this year, the entire Kansas Football team took their roster photo in polos. Polos with THE TOP BUTTON BUTTONED. That's Charlies' Music! It's one thing to defend the pride of one of the most elite college football programs in the country after getting blanked by a perennial minnow. But it's way more serious when the passion comes with a sartorial bent.
- Eric Rivers (CB, R-So.) - You would expect the bastard to be from the Riverlands, but he actually transferred to KU from "The College of the Desert."
- Shaquille Richmond (CB, Fr.) - I presume this Mitch Richmond/Shaq hybrid is on a football scholarship as some kind of workaround for Bill Self.
- Aaron Plump (LB, Sr.) - Charlie Weis’ alias so he can still access the university cafe
- Fish Smithson (S, Jr.) - This is that scene in the movie where adorable human Justin Long or Jason Segel or Steve Zahn answers "what is your name" by naming things he sees around him.
- Denzel Feaster (S, Fr.) - Charlie Weis’ other alias so he can still access the university cafe
- Jayson Rhodes (OL, So.) - Oh God. No more Rhoads.
- Hunter Saulsbury (OL, Fr.) - Kansas doesn’t always get the USDA Prime recruits, but even they can do better than Saulsbury!
- Jace Sternberger (TE, Fr.) - White Castle started in Kansas, but Sternburger never caught on in the US. Inexplicably huge in Germany though.
- LaQuivionte Gonzales (WR, Jr.) - This sounds like a raunchy Harlequin Romance novel "She quivered upon LaQuivionate's...(NSFW)."
- Hunter January (S, Fr.) - This is a fake name.
- Bazie Bates IV (S, Jr.) - From the poshest of DFW suburbs: Allen, TX--the anti-Arlington.
- Mesa Ribordy (OL, Fr.) - I know they thought they were being deep, but do his parents realize they named him Table Ribordy? That's downright Jackson-esque.
- Sebastian Sock (TE, Fr.) - Poor kid. Had such a great relationship w/"Jenny" all through high school that would "never end." So what if he is going to some school in the middle of Kansas and she was staying home in Colorado. They would beat the odds. They really were a pair. The summer after senior year was like a perpetual 1950s gymnasium dance: enchanting, wholesome, full of Snuggle, couldn't be better. But then one day, inexplicably, he got a call from Jenny. THE call. She wanted to be...Cling Free. They had gone through the spin cycle of life, balancing the delicate times and the times of high heat--the ups and the Downys. They had run through the rain, and tumbled dry to tell about it. They had stemmed the Tide of ALL the doubt, but now here they were. Because like any two Socks...it is literally impossible to stay matched forever.
- Will Smith (OL, Jr.) - A subtle troll would be if Ridgeway just rotated singing "Getting Jiggy With It," "Miami," and "Switch" under his breath throughout the game. Never acknowledge it, just get in his head.
- Larry Hughes (OL, Fr.) - I may be the only one, but I adored 2000s NBA Journeyman and his teardrop tattoos.
- Jordan Shelley-Smith (OL, Jr.) - From Waco--I can just imagine her unbearably caucasian mother speaking a louder-than-average voice: "Jordan Shelley-Smith, you stop that dancing this instant!" (P.S. Love that it took Waco like 100 years to get on the dance train, but they were instantly all-in on coaches concealing rape charges)
- Austin Moses (WR, Jr.) - This will be Charlie after parting the sea of haters and winning out by an average margin of 35.
- Shakiem Barbel (WR, Sr.) - If he was a real athlete, he’d be Shakiem Kettlebell.
KU is SO White. Like eh-mah-gawd are they white. They ranked #965 in Campus Diversity.
Smallville is in Kansas? YES, confirmed via wikipedia. Smallville is in Kansas.
As is Little House on the Prarie
And Truman Capote’s "In Cold Blood"
In Derby County, Kan., a law is in place that makes it illegal for any person to hit or punch a vending machine when it has stolen a person’s money.
It's illegal to hunt whales in the Sunflower State, even though it is a land-locked state with no coastline in sight.
Pizza Hut opened its first store in Wichita.
The largest ball of twine is in Cawker City, KS at 38 feet in circumference and weighs more than 16,750 pounds.
Tallest* water-slide in the world is in Kansas
"Just after Guinness visited the park in April, the ride’s design had to be changed after some test rafts went flying through the air and crashed to the ground. A county-state agency inspected the ride for structural soundness, Kansas City, Mo., TV station KMBC News reported. Rider safety is not part of that inspection. There are "very few, if any, rules in the state of Kansas" governing rider safety at theme parks, Edwin Birch, spokesman for the Unified Government of Wyandotte County and Kansas City, Kan., told KMBC."
- Dodge City is the windiest city in the United States, with an average wind speed of 14 mph. Suck it Chicago.
- White Caste was founded in Kansas.
- 1% of KU’s students contracted Swine Flu in 2009.
- Lebanon is the geographic center of the United States. Lebanon, Kansas. Woah don’t get ahead of yourselves now.
Justin Tucker is the Greatest Human
There are many, many, many, many (many, many) examples of why this true. The most recent? After Tucker hit a game winning 39-yard field goal for the Ravens (let’s take a moment to appreciate that Tucker has 6 game-winners in 56 NFL games and is 14-of-14 on field goals in the 4th or overtime that would result in either a tie or the lead), he demonstrated a pop-culture nous with some "Hotline Bling."
In honor of Tuck, here are other Hotline Bling + Sports memes, ranked:
Drake playing Wii Tennis
Miami-Duke Referee = Headphone Bling
Dabo Swinney, redefining "Clemsoning"
Mike Tyson singing something vaguely related
65. Former #1 QB-Recruit Kyle Allen whitin’ out to HLB
9,836. Florida Punter/TFM comment troll posts sorority competition cover...
TejasChaos: Since Burnt Orange Nation commenters fired our coach this week, I am a bit nervous. Texas by 10.
VY Pump Fake: I still feel better going into this game than I did going into Rice. Obviously this means something terrible will happen. Even so, KU remains without a win. Tie 12-12.
Kyle Carpenter: There's a Longhorn in our Hall of Honor named Happy Feller. He was a placekicker in an age when that was not a foregone conclusion (see Tucker, Justin above). He may very well be the only person in the world associated with UT who is a "Happy Feller" this week. Let's hope the coaches and players are rightfully pissed off and, like Captain Insano, Show No Mercy. 56-7 Longhorns.