Spring drills are under way for the University of Texas football team, and head coach Charlie Strong is adjusting his approach in an effort to improve on the team's disappointing 6-7 record in 2014. Here are a few tweaks Barking Carnival expects to see during spring practices:
- To reduce the number of delay-of-game penalties, the Longhorns will employ a no-cuddle offense.
- The defense won't rebuild so much as it will reload, replacing defensive stars Malcom Brown, Jordan Hicks, Steve Edmond, Cedric Reed, and Quandre Diggs with equally-talented underclassmen Malik Jefferson, another guy whose name we're blanking on right now for some reason, and some, uh... you know, some other guys that we figure are probably also pretty good.
- The offense will feature the shotgun formation, giving the Longhorn quarterback extra time to evade the pass rush before throwing an interception.
- Local celebrity role models Matthew McConaughey, Willie Nelson, and Ricky Williams will give guest lectures emphasizing the importance of Coach Strong's strict anti-marijuana policy.
- Aspiring signal-caller Jerrod Heard will train under the direct supervision of Logan "Logee-P" Pfeizer, second runner up in the 2009 Dr Pepper Halftime Challenge.
- Although coaches are still prohibited from swearing at players, Coach Strong will relax his rules against passive aggressive eye-rolling, the Silent Treatment, withholding sex, and saying hurtful things you can never, ever take back.
- In its desperation to replace several talented starters, the defensive backfield will rely heavily on steroids.
- Oops! We meant "Sheroid."
- Coach Strong will introduce a sixth Core Value: "Please try to play football well this year."