Has there ever been a less-satisfying victory? (Mass Effect 3 aside, but can we even call that a victory?) Between play calling that had #HireGregDavis nearly trending, two head scratching calls on Texas fumbles that led directly to points, and a recording breaking day that almost was, this was not as fulfilling a tortilla frying as it should’ve been. But on the bright side, Texas is on a WINNING streak that didn’t involve UTEP and we saw a rare glimpse of world-class talent.
And the rest of the nation seemed to (finally) notice that talent too. You know what? It's about damn time that the our favorite son starts getting the Heisman buzz he has rightfully earned.
Overcoming first anonymity, and then adversity, he has finally flourished this season. I don't think it's anything of a stretch to think that he has been the best player in burnt orange in 2016, and Charlie Strong's future hangs squarely between...let's reword to: relies squarely on his tree trunk legs.
He has been phenomenal since the end of last year, and has quietly dominated through 8 games this season. Well quiet no more!
And quiet no more from #LonghornNation either. We tried the polite thing where we clench our teeth and smile, then unleashing that rage on the Heisman winner in the National Championship-- but even after they vacated it, we don't have that trophy in the case. We tried the folksy, "he's a man of God and the people and he had 7 incompletions this entire season--oh an Alabama running back? Sure go ahead."
But this year, without the number next to our name and the end of season glamour bowl, we have to come early, be loud, stay late, and wear orange (tinted glasses) to make sure the country knows that the best player in the country plays his football on Saturdays in Central Texas. We have to drive home the stats, share the highlight videos, hammer the tweet machine.
And if after all of our efforts that doesn’t work, and Michael Dickson doesn't get the invite to New York, maybe we could even look at that D'Onta Foreman kid!
(Aggies should put their playoff ranking on the stadium)
- There are only three ranked games this week: Washington/USC, The Battle for the (non-soccer) Golden Boot: Arkansas/LSU (the lowest ranked, ranked game possible), and of course Texas/West Virgina--which pits #1 vs. #3.
- I’m not crying, YOU’RE crying.
- West Virginia just elected coal-baron billionare Jim Justice governor over a guy named Cole, who clearly "spells it wrong."
- A reminder that the WVU mascot hunts bears. Bears who can do things like dance to Kool and the Gang.
- Speaking of bears: Baylor had to answer to the NCAA ...for recruiting violations. "Mr. Briles, you enticed recruits with offers of all you can indulge snacks and rape, and you know how we frown upon free food to recruits!"
- (Baylor also had a racial scandal this week, because Baylor)
- This week marked the 3rd year anniversary of AJ McCarron and Nick Saban ready to risk it all and show the SEC that love is love.
Better Know A Roster:
- Elijah Wellman (TE/FB, r-Jr.), Elijah Battle (CB, Jr.), and Elijah Drummond (TE/FB, Fr.) - There’s something so poignant about three players named after the biblical prophet who channeled fire to show that Ba’al ‘aint Life playing for the school that channels fire (onto couch) because Ball is Life.
- Zach Sandwisch (LB, Fr.) - You can’t add a letter in the middle of your name and get the kids to stop making fun of you P,B, and Zach. It didn’t work for Terry Shortdorng, Billy Buttfasce, or Scotty Trumpf. So get used to the razzing, Reuben. Go read "the Count of MONTE CRISTO" ya Po’boy.
- Brendan Ferns (LB, Fr.) and Michael Ferns (TE/FB, r-So.) - I wonder if Holgo has ever stood between them and conducted an interview?
- Seth Aungst (WR, Fr.) - Aungst: The angst of the aughts -- "what if this instagram post doesn’t get the 11 likes required so that I can like my own photo without people seeing it." The millennial struggle is real, y’all.
- Toyous Avery (S, r-So.) - This name makes me think of an action figure version of Tyus Edney, who makes me think of UCLA and Ed O’Bannon, who makes me think of a toy--or rather a game that I’m not playing right now where I am winning 4 consecutive Heisman’s with Shane Buechele on the new PS4 Pro...
- Druw Bowen (WR, Fr.) - There are a lot of ways to get creative with Andrew. I’ve know at least one whose Christian name was simply "Drew," you have Jrue Holiday, Andre (and the derivative Dre), but that "w" on the end just makes it seem sad coming out of your mouth. Try it.
- Al-Rasheed Benton (LB, r-Jr.), Koran Williams (WR, Fr.) - ...I wonder how the guy named "Koran" fares in coal country. Oh...no reason.
- Chris Chugunov (QB, r-Fr.), Mitch Chugunov (WR, Fr.) - We’d all like to see the "Chug-off between the Chugunovs."
- Jovon Durante (WR, So.) - I pray that this is the name Kevin Durant uses to check-in to hotels to remain inconspicuous.
- Rex Sunahara (LS, So.) - Sound like a name you’d take after joining a hippy space cult.
- Ja'HShaun Seider (OL, r-Fr.) - that’s too many modifiers. You can’t apostrophe, double capitalize and then just jump into the ritual feast that traditionally marks the start of Passover.
- Carter Walburn (LB, Fr.) - Well yes, Carter, that is often a repercussion of the Couchburn.
When I first started the coaching anagrams, I for reasons only explainable as "Dana makes everything more exciting" rushed to this week. I have been giddily sitting on this treasure trove for weeks. These bullet points are great--people are saying they’re the greatest bullet points ever assembled.
- Headlong Arson
- Gonadal Nosher
- Saran Dong Hole
- Sad Longhorns, EA
- Nasal Dong Hero
- Granola She Don
- Angola, Shred On
- Oh, Analog Nerd
- A Glans honored
- Nah, Rodeo Glans
- Ad Slogan Honer (for you, TejasChaos)
- Salon Garden Ho
- Hosanna Lodger or Hosanna Rod Gel
- On Her Anal Gods
- Aha, Dong Loners
- Androgen Halos or Adorns Halogen
- Son...Gnashed Oral
- Harden Lagoons
- A Dangle Honors
- Oreo Hand Slang
- Older Ghana Son
- Lasagne Don Rho
- HODOR’S AN ANGEL
- HOLY SH*T MY MIND IS F*CKING BLOWN
- HOLG THE DOOR! HOLG THE DOOR!
Tejas Chaos: Orange has been pulling upsets against the polls all week. No point in stopping now.
VY Pump Fake: D'onta is about to be set loose in Ikea and there are no Swedish meatballs left. Couches will burn, but in anguish. Texas by 10.