Why the Big 12 is (probably) going to expand (maybe!), explained

The Big 12 has decided to almost, kind of certainly expand not expand expand not expand expand. Given that uncertain sound of inevitability, it's high time for a Barking Carnival Voxplainer about conference realignment, second-cousin twice removed of Theon "what is dead may never die" Greyjoy. (Sorry, nobis made me do it.)

4 winners and 3 losers from the Big 12's most recent indecisive announcement

Loser: Texas Longhorns, Inc. / Texas Longhorns Football / Texas Longhorns Basketball / Texas Longhorns fans

For reasons obvious to your average Barking Carnival reader. In case you need it, srr50 has the latest summation here.

Winner: David Boren

He really, Really, REALLY wants Big 12 expansion!

Loser: David Boren

Wait, no he doesn't.

Winner: David Boren

Never mind. He so DOES.

Winner: Commuter Schools

Get ready to support your 5-13 basketball team (still 1 game up on TCU) on your daily 55 minute commute home during rush hour traffic, new Big 12 fan! Brought to you by Constant Contact.

Winner, or Loser, outcome uncertain, ask again later: @LonghornRdTrip

Big 12 basketball's double-round robin perfection may head the way of the dodo, but biennial trips to Storrs, Cincy, and Memphis doesn't sound so bad. What's that? BAH GAWD KING THAT'S HOFHEINZ PAVILION'S MUSIC!

The five best outcomes for Big 12 expansion right now (card stack design stuck in Nucleus engineering queue)

FAILURE = SUCCESS

Gentlemen of the Hooli board, and lady. Consider the armadillo. It's seemingly well-protected by a leathery, armor shell. But once run over by a car, even its shell can't protect it from becoming roadkill. Colorado State is driving that car. Powered by Nucleus.

Realization of a modest proposal for division alignment

As proposed by internet commenter EastLosRandy.

Free money thanks to a conference championship game

As I understand it, it is NCAA-illegal for 10 team leagues who play round robin schedules in order to determine "one two or less true champion(s)" to hold conference championship games, because that would be stupid. Championship games generate an estimated $27-28 million in additional revenue, so the Big 12 should definitely have one, because all its decisions have turned out so well before. Now is a good time to talk about five-team divisions. It'll probably help the Big 12 get into the college football playoff, too. Free money, conference championship game, divisions, playoff, expansion, PROFIT.

Unfettered exploration of the wide world of pitchbooks

This is not your investment banker's football field! Justin Timberlake will sing a song about FedEx! Colorado State is infraction-free, or at least it's not contagious! Sorry, Pac 12, we're just not that into you!

I ran out of good outcomes so here's Vox's card stack on the second best comic book right now, Bitch Planet

Kelly Sue DeConnick and Valentine De Landro's Bitch Planet isn't known for its subtleties.

That's not to say the comic is devoid of nuance or quiet moments; in fact, there are plenty. But I've always seen Bitch Planet as more of a call to arms, a sledgehammer to the face of the society it reflects. In telling the story of a distant future where the patriarchy has gone unchecked and become omnipotent, and where nonconforming women are sent to the hellish galactic prison in the title, Bitch Planet destroys any notion that society treats women fairly. And it's in those shattered pieces, the unanswered questions about the flaws of our reality, that the comic book's true power lies.

The Big 12, explained

The Big 12 is a test of your basic arithmetic skills

There used to be eight teams in the Big 8 and nine teams in the SWC, but then the only non-Texas school in the SWC left. Rather than merge both conferences and form a Power 16, the SWC decided to leave four members behind, yet inexplicably kept Baylor, merge with the eight Big 8 teams, and form the Big 12. It's called the Big 12 because there were twelve teams, two teams more than the then Big 10 and four teams more than the then-defunct Big 8. Then two teams left the Big 12, then two more, but the Big 12 decided that rather than remain as the big 8, they would add two more teams to become the big 10, but still call themselves the Big 12. Now the Big 12 will probably add four teams to become the big 14, but still call themselves the Big 12.

The future of the Big 12, in one map