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An interview with Anxious Underbelly of the Longhorn Internet

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Photo by Sean Gallup/Getty Images

Charlie Strong’s Monday Notre Dame week press conference was as revealing as the Egyptian beach volleyball squad.

No starting QB named. No depth chart. Fewer clues than a Dexter crime scene.

Strong’s ongoing burqini subterfuge has been drawing reactions.

To gauge it properly, my special guest is ANXIOUS UNDERBELLY OF THE LONGHORN INTERNET. You may know him from such musings as 2004’s “Guys, VY IS A WR!!!”, 2008’s “Colt McCoy, Just Not A Gutty Winner” and 2014’s “Mack Left Charlie With A Loaded Roster, Look at Rivals!”

Welcome, Anxious Underbelly of the Longhorn Internet. What’s on your mind?

NO STARTING QB IS NAME! NO DEPTH CHART PROVIDE. ACCORDING TO THE CONSTITUTION WE HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW.

No, we do not.

STRONGPOLOGIST!

I like Strong a lot. But I’m even-handed in my analysis and have provided an objective...

SHUT UP STRONGPOLOGIST.

Alright. Relax.

OMG ITZ SWOOPZ.

....or Buechele. I think both should play.

A TRUE FRESHMAN QB IN A BRAND NEW OFFENSE STARTING AGAINST NOTRE DAME ON NATIONAL TELEVISION IN A SEASON OPENER BEHIND AN INJURED OL IN FRONT OF 100,000 IS THE ONLY LOGICAL PLAY FOR ANY HEAD COACH.

Maybe. But reread that until the absurdity of it sinks in.

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. IF SWOOPZ IS STARTZ, IT MEANS CHARLIE IS INTERFERING WITH THE OFFENSE!

No. It doesn’t. That’s pure fiction.

YOU SAYING SWOOPZ IS STARTZ?

No, I’m not saying that.

DEPTH CHART? MORE LIKE DEPTH SHART! NO SEC SPEED.

Fascinating. Aggies can live in the Anxious Longhorn Underbelly.

IF WE LOSE IT’S BECAUSE CHARLIE STRONG DID NOT NAME STARTING QB BECAUSE HE IS DISORGANIZED AND FORGOT AND WE COULD HAVE HAD SABAN HIS WIFE BOUGHT A HOUSE IN PFLUGERVILLE A TASTEFUL MODEL HOME IN THE LOW 300s WITH TASTEFUL CORIAN COUNTERTOP

Another theory? Notre Dame has advantages in the trenches on both sides of the ball and a better QB situation. And Texas will probably be better in November than September?

PAC 12 GAMES ALL START AT 2:00AM AND ARIZONA IS NEAR SUMATRA. CALIFORNIA IS A MELANESIAN ISLAND.

I concede this.

CHARLIE STRONG HAS ALWAYS BEEN RELUCTANT TO START YOUNG PLAYER! CEDRIC BENSON OU! AND DIDN’T START ANY FRESHMEN LAST YEAR!

History began about a week ago for you, didn’t it?

I GET MY HISTORY FROM TWITTER. FRESHMENZ HAS TALENT.

You don’t understand what talent is or what it means. It’s actually a realized potential within a systemic construct that...

SHUT UP. IF WE LOSE WHAT WILL YOU SAY THEN SMART GUY?

That I predicted a loss.

HATER!

Not really.

KOOL AID DRINKER!

Not really. You seem prone to overreaction and wild swings in opinion.

WELL I AM ANGRY AND INSECURE BECAUSE THE LAST SIX YEARS HAVE SUCKED AND I WANT TO BLAME THINGS.

I know.

OKAY! SO: LOUD NOISES! UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS! ACCUSATIONS! LASHING OUT!

I acknowledge your feelings.

I FEEL BETTER NOW.

I know, buddy.

WE WILL HAVE DIALOGUE AGAIN LATE SUNDAY EVENING!

I know.

I HATE YOU. YOU ARE THE BEST.