Texas Pregamer: UTEP

He’s a grizzled veteran who’s a season away from collegiate retirement. He’s a crazy, football-slinging Arlington cowboy. If these two can stand each other, the Bad Guys don’t stand a chance.

What a weekend. What a game. Notre Dame/Texas certainly lived up to those Designated Survivor promos. Like all good ABC Sunday Night movies, this one ended with the good guys winning and Brian Kelly checking to see if he can use his Prime shipping on Ping Pong Tables.

More importantly, throughout the game we felt a change--it was as if time meant nothing, never would again. Yes, this game was the Time Warp. There were the 2005 National Champs to the left. Mack Brown was there to the right, presumably Sally’s cookies were freshly baked in the locker room (the secret source of 18 Wheeler bloodlust). Then out trotted new Bevo XV, Sunrise Spur, with McConaughey-level chill and prepackaged metaphors in his baby horns (the left one is called Shane, the right one is Shack). Also, Matthew McConaughey.

There was Swoopes racing for the pylon in a Vince Young corner special, and Shane keeping on the read like a certain Tuscola gunslinger who rode there a mere seven (holy crap, seven??) years prior.

This game connected eras, a bridge over troubled waters. And as newcomer Sterlin Gilbert stared at me, I felt a change. Time meant nothing, never would again.

Now, just because we’ve discovered dormant time lord predilections doesn’t mean we can control the future. But for a few happy days, this is one worth getting hyped up about. It’s only the first scene of this year's story, but boy I can’t wait to see the rest of it.

HOOK ‘EM!

• Historical football power Kansas University stormed the field following their defeat of FCS Rhode Island, prompting PA announcer pleas to stop "for the respect of this program".
• Of the 54 recruits in attendance, 52 signed immediate letters of intent as ERRRBODY banners unfurled from the press box postgame and Matthew McConaughey performed donuts in a Lincoln in the south end zone.
• Houston journalists, in a where-are-they-now feature, found Crying OU Kid in the stands at NRG Stadium. He’s since adopted the new moniker of OU Surrender Cobra Flautist.

  

• The Vatican confirmed the rumors that Shane Buechele had already, upon his birth, performed the first miracle that will be required for his eventual canonization. (Vasectomy trigger warning)
• Jake Oliver and Jacorey Warrick shocked Longhorn fans, disproving the old adage that you can’t play 2 upperclassmen on the field at the same time.
• Bevo XV improved his record to 1 win, pulling ahead of the number of Texas A&M championships in the modern era but behind the number of assistant coaches still employed at Baylor that were found to have had inappropriate conduct and influence in school assault investigations.
• As Swoopes crossed the goal line in 2OT, 600 miles away, deep in the desolate mines of UTEP, canaries began to inexplicably keel over dead.
• Steve Spurrier set a record in the 100 meter dash, except that it wasn’t a race and the 100 meters were actually a handle of Jim Beam.
• In 2015, Washington Monthly ranked UTEP as one of the top 10 best school’s in the nation. Readers were thoroughly impressed that a UTEP grad had managed to get a job at a magazine.
• Maternity wards in Central Texas are already preparing for the influx of babies named Swoo’Chele in 9 months.

Strong has done a masterful job of getting a young team to buy in, and by buy in we mean he bought a ping-pong table. In this vein, and since polls and rankings are no longer something to avoid like the plague/my ex/the state of Oklahoma, we’ve decided to bring you the rankings you really want: Charlie Strong Texas Ping-Pong™ rankings.

1. Shane Buechele - A calm mastery of the table and smart reactions keep the true freshman atop the leaderboard after week one. Like Bama, the Boo sits at 1 till proven otherwise.
2. Hager - The only player to go on record as beating the Boo at his own game. But let me ask you this - have we seen any actual video proof of that victory? #pongtruthers
3. Poona Ford - The Pooninator (Poondog Millionaire, Poonatron, et al) is the second coming of E-Honda. That kind of arm range makes him a threat in any table tennis or 3rd down situation.
4. Dickson - Aussies love Rugby and Ping-Pong is a close cousin of Rugby. The Punter from Down ‘Unter turned heads last week with his booming kicks and a gritty TD saving tackle. These skills are clearly translatable to the field of Pongdom.
5. Tyrone Swoopes - Would be higher on this list, but was unfortunately disqualified twice for running QB counters through perfectly good tables (how has nobody given that Swoopes clip the Jim Ross treatment yet?). It’s a good thing Strong bought the table six pack at Costco.
6. Sterling Gilbert - Our sources show that pong quality has improved 1045.5% since the OC took over earlier this year. A perfect mix of pound ‘em short game and withering slams to the corner to finish them off. Well worth that plane ride, Fenvy.
7. Jake Oliver - Gritty, gym rat, a coach on the field, are the kind of things we’d be saying if this was 2008 and he was Jordan Shipley. If he ever ends up rooming with Shane, the talking heads at ESPN will explode.
8. Malik Jefferson - We have not confirmed if Malik is participating in Pongageddon ‘16, but if the Predator is in the building, he’s making the top 10. ‘Nuff said.
9. Charlie Strong - It’s been a reaffirming week for Chuck, plus the spin action off those extra long digits mark him as a high riser in these, and real, power rankings.
10. Bevo XV - There’s nothing in the rulebook that says an undefeated mascot can’t be in a ping-pong power ranking (Air Bud Clause), so Sunrise Spur is taking to the court. Just try to watch the floor - we just finished cleaning it.
11. Texas Longhorns - After a crazy first week, we just went with the seasoned, rational AP voters on this one. #11 baby!

What a week. Let’s check in with Charlie and see how he feels about the big win. Coach?

Agreed. Fan effort was definitely at an all time high with DKR’s bumping 102K crowd. Shame on the 80,000 of you unwilling to give full polo effort. This ends right here right now - no more wine and cheese sleeves.

Better talk to your player personnel coach, because that is most definitely a Vacarro making Zaire rethink his current life decisions.

This was a big win. So, what do you think this means for you going forward as head coach of the now #11 Texas Longhorns?

Not sure that’s how it works, but we ain’t Catholic and are not looking it up, so congrats! Till next time, this has been kickin it with Chuck F’n Strong, our 100% genuine real coach/media savant and apparently father to Malik Jefferson.

Man this social media stuff is great. Why didn’t we try this before?

Better Know a Roster

This roster is full of El Pasoans...is it El Pasinos? El Pasadores? Chucotonians? Whatever. There are 29 of them, which is a lot. Famous Alumni include MacGruber who was "starting Tight End for the University of Texas El Paso," Ed Hochuli (who played LB), Tim Hardaway (who nicknamed his crossover--the greatest of all time--the UTEP, 2-Step"), Nate "Tiny" Archibald, Olympic legend Bob Beamon, and SNL’s Jack Handey. But you better damn well know these guys:

• Mack Leftwich (QB, JR) - Mack Left,wich exposed a gaping sarlacc pit for Charlie to fix. That would make Mack Jabba in this analogy.
• Brannon Bullitt (WR, FR) - Kid so fast, he outran the d...that belongs in his first name.
• Christian Buckingham (DL, SO) and Sani Buckingham (TE, FR) - Two brothers from El Paso; Sani’s listed "last school" is "Home School." Christian’s? Hawaii. "F*** you, mom."
• Sky Logan (DL, JR) - This just sounds like an adult entertainer (Riskyclickoftheday)
• Kevin Dove (RB, FR) - Not to be mistaken for beloved and indispensable Cleveland Cavaliers power forward Tristan Thompsfinch.
• Fowler Freund (LS, RS-FR) - This is what it sounds like when you drunkenly yell "Call your friend!" to a female acquaintance while your mouth is stuffed full with Whataburger at 3 in the morning.
• Lawrence Montegut (LB, JR) - "Montegut" was the compromise they finally settled on for the bastard child of the unholy union of Montagues and Capulets. A rose by any other name...sounds like what happens after you eat Chico’s Tacos in El Paso.
• Barron Wortham Jr. (LB, FR) Arlington - He could’ve pledged the good frats if only he’d been the 3rd.
• Hayden Plinke (TE, SR) - The Boise State transfer gives the Miners a reliable pair of hands in passing situations, and a glimpse of what Jordan Shipley would have looked like if he listened to Papa Roach and glared at people on public transportation.

  

• Silas Firstley (LB, SR), Elijah Perales (DB, RS-FR), Josiah Gray (OL, FR) and Orion Prescott (RB, RS-JR) - You could’ve lied to me and told me these were the miners who dug the original mine on UTEP’s campus in 1908.

AN(ST)AGRAMS

Head Coach Sean Kugler is a large man. He had cup of coffee as an NFL offensive lineman, then coached the position in both NFL and college before taking over at his alma mater. His name is also an awesome anagram for:

• REGAL NUKES
• Ankle Urges (someone’s been watching too much Tarantino)
• Snake Gruel
• Rake Lunges
• Keg Ale Runs
• Elk are Guns (Kind of Soylent Green-ish)
• Resale Gunk

Predictions:

TejasChaos: Do we have to like Arlington now? Is it worth reversing 6 years of uneven QB play to stop ridiculing the Metroplex speedbump? Yes. Yes it is. Texas by at least 18, cause I’m too old to be dealing with minors.

Kyle Carpenter: Remember when Shaney Bou-chele showed up at halftime and the Longhorns won the Catholic Bowl? Do ya? Yea...a lot more of that. Texas 42-7. Boosch and Bevo stay undefeated, Long May They Reign!

ColtMcConaughey: I think we run the one where Boo throws it to the guy who’s open, and then we run the one where Swoopes is bigger and stronger than any of the CAP students on the defense who attempt to tackle him. Texas’ incoming freshman will get a chance to build up their confidence against warm bodies, and Buck Major gets more hype video highlights than he knows what to do with. Horns cover and flirt with the over in their own scoring column.

VY Pump Fake: Sterlin brings out the 7 WR formation. Runs it with D’onta anyway. UTEP, weakened by the distance from their mystical power source, Mount HJ, get rolled by the Horns. Texas by 24..

Parting Shot: