Texas is back, folks! Hook ‘Em just swag leaned into the locker room, draped in a Jayhawk pelt, shoulders adorned in a blue and crimson feather boa and sporting a talon necklace longer than Khal Drogo’s braid. For what is Texas if not buoyed by confidence after a middling performance against an overmatched foe? We have matched last season’s win totals and #improvement is within reach. Standing next in our path? A caffeinated taurine twister that gives you wings.
Yes, it’s West Virginia week everyone. Time to play Pittsburgh’s Pittsburgh. The Arlington of the Appalachians. Douse yourselves in flame retardants and venture ye into the wild blue and gold yonder. The defense will have to hold off Will Grier, the quarterback who bulked up 43 pounds his Freshman year at Florida thanks to the supplement (and great elf name) Ligandrol. Unfortunately for Texas, post-suspension Grier elected to transfer to his beard’s hometown of Morgantown where he sits this season at no. 3 in passing yards behind two quarterbacks that have already notched wins against Texas.
Still, Texas seems to play its most competitive games against ranked opponents not called TCU, and West Virginia enters this week at number 24. So while Tom Herman chooses between the lesser of two evils (sacks or game ending picks), let’s cheer our Horns to a win and a ticket to a Bowl named after some online tax or loan software. No need to rush into the offseason and the recruiting rumor mill. There will be plenty of time later to follow teenagers tweets so closely that your friends think you’re running for Senate.
West Virginia, A Tradition
A generously mustachioed West Virginia reached its left hand out the window, extending the center digit skyward as the passenger window rolls down and a banner is unfurled, ‘West Virginia, the Mountain State’. Montana drops to one knee, silent, a single tear streams down its face. With an engine roar and subsequent squeal of burning rubber, West Virginia disappears into the rising sun, leaving naught but a wisp of smoke behind.
It's years later and the room is spinning, but that’s nothing new. The warning sign of white lightning’s divine punishment was an inevitable price to pay for the ability to forget. Just before succumbing to the call of the void, a knock pierces the silence. After a stumble to the door, West Virginia opens the portal just in time to catch headlights as they disappear over the horizon. Eyes panning down, a haunting sight comes into view.
There on full display is a couch. Their couch. The past is suddenly the present, and it is overwhelming. West Virginia turns to the only comfort it knows - sugar whiskey, the skull cracker, catdaddy, mule kicking, hillbilly pop. But jarred loose in the fit of rage the bottle slips from West Virginia's grasp and moonshine pours out on the couch. As the cushions soak in the devil's brine, a vain effort to reclaim its grip on the bottle causes West Virginia to stumble. Almost as soon as it left the overalls' center pocket, the 'Hoss Hog' zippo caught fumes and the couch was aflame.
Quondarius Qualls (LB, JR) - Quondarius Qualls quietly quibbled with the quixotic, quarter-finalist quartet. Quelled only by quoting quintessential quippy quease-ball, Quentin (Tarantino), Quondarius quickly quantified the quasars aka, got sucked into a massive Black Hole. Oh, that would be a good nickname for him!
Rashon Lusane (S, SO) - Rashon LUSANE Obama!
Will Billeter (WR, FR) - Bill Billeter sounds like a comic book name for the guy who tries to evict Peter Parker because he can’t find the time to properly string for the Daily Bugle.
Nunu Cunningham (LB, FR) - Oh you still on that old Cunningham? We on that Newnew.
Ka'Raun White (WR, SR) - Just like “tater salad,” but this Potato Salad is covered with a hefty helping of paprika and made by someone named Hattie who has a framed picture with Jesus, MLK, and Obama all in it.
Al-Rasheed Benton (LB, SR) - Lol, in West Virginia...poor guy.
Dravon Askew-Henry (S, JR) - there something slightly off about this guy.
Dylan Tonkery (S, FR) - When he aims to impress the ladies, he pronounces it “Tanqueray.”
Chris Chugunov (QB, SO), Mitch Chugunov (WR, FR) - This is actually what they do at the Gronk family reunion. “Yo bro, let’s goooooooo! Time to get the Chugggggginofff!” “Chuggin-chuggin-chuggin-chuggin, choo choo Chugunov!”
Elijah Wellman (TE, SR), Elijah Battle (CB, SR) - An Elijah who sits on each shoulder. Good angel or dark angel -- Fight or Flight. Except in West Virgnia it’s perpetually Battle who wins over well.
Alec Sinkfield (RB, FR) - this seems like a really risky name for a kid who plays on fields that are essentially patches of grass over coal mines.
Hodari Christian II (LB, SR) - Because dad like being called “Hodari” so much, he bestowed it upon the next generatio.
Yodny Cajuste (OL, JR) - I can’t really wrap my head around this being a real person and not just a string of letters the web developer typed in as a placeholder and forgot to delete.
VY Pump Fake: Connor Williams finally returns but it’s like Rookie of the Year and his healed knee is so powerful that he pancakes the entire WVU defensive line. Shane Buechele sets every running QB record in NCAA history and Lowell Galindo claims he always knew Shane was a top-tier dual threat QB. Texas misses two field goals but still wins by 1.
Kyle Carpenter: West Virginia’s ranking, like Clean Coal, is actually a myth that at some point enough people decided to believe in that it became a thing. Texas “Paris Accords” West Virginia, a sustainable 24-14.
TejasChaos: Inspiration can come from anywhere. One day you’re down on your luck, the next your hair is being brought to the silver screen by an academy award winner.
So I got a few words for our boys this week:
Should we win the day, the 18th of November will no longer be known as push button phone day, but as the day when the Longhorns everywhere declared in one voice:
We will not go quietly into the night!
We will not vanish without a fight!
We're going to live on! We're going to survive!
Today, we celebrate our Sixth Win Day!