Greetings, Freshman class of 2021! Welcome to the 40 acres and the dawn of the Era of Alignment. It’s been an eventful offseason, what with the revelation that Tom Herman is in fact 6 separate clones. The Tom Hermans wasted no time, dividing and conquering stadium renovations, a locker room face-lift, and the compilation of the 2nd ranked (as of this writing) recruiting class in the nation. Emphasizing attention to detail, an entire clone was even dedicated exclusively to monitoring hydration levels. His name is Dennis. By employing a replicant strategy that draws the envious eye of Marvel itself, Texas has in one short offseason thrust itself back into the national consciousness. A consensus preseason Top 25 team, much to the chagrin of, well... literally everyone, the Longhorns now have the unenviable task of living up to hype built by lots of internets but very few wins. Par for the course for the boys in Burnt Orange? Only time will tell. Now, speaking of par for the course, have you heard about our beautifully furnished casitas?
A lot has happened since we last met.
Like Osiris, Charlie Strong had to die to ultimately make the program stronger. A good coach and even better man, we should take a second to reflect on his contributions to our errrrrrrrrrbody.
Icing, in excess of several metric tons, was quietly procured by Bellmont over the summer. Speculation continues to abound as to what large baked good could require such accoutrement.
Game of Thrones had that episode where the people did the thing that those people shouldn’t do but you kind of secretly wanted them to do and and that awesome thing that became a bad thing did a cool thing that is not good but was still awesome. #nospoilers
No one expects the Spanish Inquisition, not even this acrostic.
Mark Emmert emerged from his offseason chrysalis, where he solidified his exoskeleton for yet another year deflecting hurled copies of NCAA Football 14.
Eclipse watching took the nation by storm, as the piles of Mayweather/McGregor cash briefly blocked the sun from view..
Tiger-cats of the CFL called the Night King with a tan up to Canada then promptly reversed course within 24 hours.
Better Know A Roster
Kasim Hill (QB, FR) - There is no way that this is a disguised and inexplicably-still-eligible, Longhorn-abuser Taysom Hill or any of his family members who may’ve been sired while on Mission in Washington, DC...right?
Qwuantrezz Knight (DB, SO) - There is almost an art to the superfluousness on display here. The extraneous “w,” the tacking on of the after-thought, second z to really sell the buzz of it …and don’t even get me started on the silencing of voiceless velar plosives in the anglicization of proto-Germanic cognates going on in that last name!
Jayden Comma (WR, FR) - Jayden can trace his lineage all the way back to Lord Nigel Augustus Comma, a student at Christ Church, Oxford. While exchanging letters with a chum studying at St. John’s, Cambridge, Lord Nigel grew to be very alarmed. He received a note that read “the dinner shall include devilled kidneys, beef and Wellington.” Now this could either mean that they were serving “beef wellington” or killing and cannibalizing Prime Minister Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington. Racing down the River Thames to get clarification, he came into contact with a boat from Cambridge, which he raced and created a tradition of some sort. Ultimately, he arrived at dinner and the very rich, bourgeoisie laughed at the misunderstanding. To this day, Jayden insists that we all use the pen-ultimate...Oxford Comma. That’s the way I heard it.
Fofie Bazzie (DB, FR) - Sounds like an awful English Grime rapper.
Shane Cockerille (LB, SR) - this kid started as a QB, moved after two years to FB, then became Maryland’s leading tackler and Middle Linebacker last year. If that’s not some terrifying Bill Snyder shit, you and I don’t watch the same program. Also his name sounds like a very southern, civil war general...but Maryland
isn’t is isn’t in the South, right?
Max Bortenschlager (QB, SO) - Is illegal in every bar but The Aquarium.
Tyrrell Pigrome (QB, SO) - Recently named the starting QB. Also named after the most delicious variation of bacon, Roman Guanciale. That should keep Poona Ford hungry.
Kevin Woodeshick (TE, JR) - “Woodeshick: for all your manscaping needs.” (Not pictured - Juan Pedrogillete, Steve Wangdollarshaveclub)
- TOM HERMAN READS THE PREGAMER! Taking cues from our Presidential tally of 2016, Tom Herman gave the Terps the “Presidential Backfield” nickname, the best thing the University of Maryland marketing team has done in decades.
- Bear Bryant’s first head coaching job was at Maryland, on the recommendation of the (even more racist) Washington Redskins owner, who he met at a cocktail party hosted by the Chicago Tribune. He left after one year because the school president reinstated a player he kicked off the team while Bear was on vacation...whoops. It wouldn’t be the only school he used as a launching pad to an actual desirable location.
- Jim Tatum, who led Maryland to their only National Championship, died of “Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever” which cut his Hall of Fame coaching career short at age 46. I cannot even fathom Twitter responding to that in 2017.
- Queen Elizabeth saw her first game of American football at UMD’s Byrd Stadium during her first trip to the U.S. in 1957. That’s like President Obama catching his first Premier League match between Bournemouth and Huddersfield.
- Current UMD Head Coach DJ Durkin apprenticed under 3 of the best coaches in the country:
- Urban Meyer
- Jim Harbaugh
- Will Muschamp (stop laughing...we all believed this in 2010)
- Maryland is kind of The South. They didn’t secede and mainly fought for the Union, but that may or may not have been because Lincoln arrested the dude’s who were going to vote to do so...and led to John Wilkes Boothe, a Marylander, to write that he assassinated Lincoln for the South. S-E-C!
- Nick Saban, Texas’ 2nd choice to fill the Charlie Strong vacancy, has a difficult, but uplifting relationship with his coca-cola bottle.
Tejas Chaos: Turtles are amphibious. Tortoises are land reptiles. Terrapins are gonna lose.
Kyle Carpenter: The state of Texas is behind Tom Herman, so much so that Hurricane Harvey took the optimal hydration chart way too far. In all seriousness, writing this from Houston, a win would do a great deal to lift the spirits of a region and all of those affected. Horns come out #TexasStrong and never look back. 35 point win over the fighting Scott Van Pelts.
VY Pump Fake: Maryland’s defense will be surprisingly thin - much like Tom Herman’s Wayne Rooney cut. Texas by 19.
Never forget the time in 2014 when the Terrapins laughed in the face of lax NCAA anti-doping rules and created a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Terrapin, loosely based on Vernon Davis’ biceps. I’m calling him the Maryland Scareapin.
This is why Kevin Durant chose Texas over his hometown school...