Annnnnnnd we’re back!
Apologies for the hiatus, we were finding ourselves after the devastating OSU loss dashed our chances at a CFP spot. It probably shouldn’t have taken so long, as we unsurprisingly found ourselves unconscious next to countless empty bottles of G2 and Vodka, with explicit sharpie drawings of the Thai Two-Step drawn on our faces that would make Anthony Weiner blush (but still text to various co-eds anyway). But Zach Smith digresses.
Iowa State this week! The Ethanol Egomaniacs. The Maize Megalomaniacs. The Cob Choreomaniacs. The [insert corn word here] [alliterative type of maniac]s. Not to be Corny, but this is no easy, throwaway, candy-corn-in-your-kids-Halloween-basket type of Big XII game. The Cyclones are quite good, and still technically alive in the conference title hunt. Now this may come as a surprise to the rest of the league, but not to Longhorn fans. All too recently do we remember Alexander Robinson in 2010 (when losing was still a shock) and, even more painfully, the big ole goose egg in 2015. Andrew Beck remembers that 2015 game -- he was the second leading receiver with 22 yards. Yes, those repressed memories are real. Just like your crippling student debt, the Longhorns history with Iowa State will cling to your psyche for the remainder of your life (and your heirs’!).
But there is hope! The Lil’Jordan of House Humphrey, fresh off his Crabtreeing of the Crabtreers (who live in a place with neither crabs nor trees -- more on that below), will likely match up against notably apostrophe deficient CORNerback, Brian Peavy. Coached by a a soup brand, the Cyclones will trust Matt Campbell to put his team in a position to overcome such obvious diacritical shortcomings.
However do not forget, Longhorn fans, this Iowa State team beat both OSU and WVU, 100% of the teams marring our conference record. Word across the ethereal plane is Pop Warner, who once coached ISU via telegraph, is even communicating via Ouija boards to call plays. Texas will need as much of it’s triage unit active on defense Saturday, and perhaps a shaman or two, to hopefully turn those Harvest Habromaniacs into Farming Flagellomaniacs. A whipping is what we hope Texas delivers, and, just to clarify, we mean a gridiron beatdown, not some extracurricular twitter fodder. Verbal gymnastic too much? Just put it this way: ISU is gonna be creamed corn.
Ok. Cool #HookEm.
Connor Assalley - The true origin of Batman; after the show that evening, Bruce Wayne’s parents walked down the wrong alley and this redshirt sophomore had just eaten Sichuan hotpot.
D’Andre Payne, O’Rien Vance, De’Monte Ruth - Crap, chalk a few up for ISU on the apostrophe scoreboard.
Re-al Mitchell - Real M Just hasn’t been the same since transferring Cristiano Ronaldo to Juventus.
JaQuan Bailey, Cordarrius Bailey, Joshua Bailey - From the proud Bailey family kicking tree, these three aspire to one day set kicking efficiency records and still somehow be cut by the Cowboys.
Reggan Northrup - the product of an immaculate GOP wet dream, the Gipper namesake eschews his middle name ‘Grumman’ in the hopes that his summer job selling missiles to Saudi Arabia escapes NCAA review.
Chandler Pulvermacher - Chandler ‘Powder Maker’ (German translation), is unmasked as Kanye West’s right hand.
Answer Gaye - When a girl asks you if you have any music to set the mood, there is only one response.
!!BONUS SECTION!! - WVU
You Thought We Wouldn’t Give you the #Content You Paid For?
Dave Kerns - Head athletic trainer or Creed Bratton hiding out in Appalachia?
Anthony Delperico - Even the hipsters in West Virginia have mullets
Gary Jennings Jr - I would watch the hell out of a Rambo blaxploitation parody akin to “Undercover Brother”
Jaelen Gross - If Brittney Griner got 4 more years of eligibility...(you know she would absolutely dominate as a TE)
Tyler Thurmond - This guy looks like a hilarious moonshine version of Khal Drogo...I’m calling him Still Drogo.
WVU Parting Shot:
WVU Parting Shot 2
Who says there isn't marriage material in Morgantown. pic.twitter.com/zEukN2N3vy— SoonerSource (@Sooner_Source) November 14, 2018
Super Extra, Bonus Content - Tech
Short and sweet, like Kliff’s stubble.
A Bit More on that Pop Warner Story
Glenn “Pop” Warner began his college coaching career at Iowa State in 1895. Warner goes on to become one of the winningest coaches in college football history although his Iowa State games do not count on his record. Because they offered him more money and the season’s don’t overlap 100 percent, Warner strikes a deal that he will coach for a few weeks in Ames, then head down to Athens to coach Georgia in October and November. He gets away with this for at least five years.
Iowa State is supposed to open the 1895 season against the Butte Athletic Club in Butte, Montana — a team consisting of Montana players paid by mine owners to entertain their workers— on Sunday, Sept. 15. Realizing that the Iowa State faculty would not sanction a Sunday game, Warner tells the faculty the game will be played on Saturday (I think he invented this?). From here I am going to quote form the ISU official website:
“Their train to Montana was briefly stranded by a freak blizzard forcing the players to forage for food. Arriving in Butte, Warner bets his entire Iowa State salary on the game ($175). Biased officiating against Iowa State causes Warner’s team to threaten a forfeit, but local officials warn that Iowa State will not get its guarantee unless they play the whole game. The officials in part, are intimidated by miners who shoot their guns in the air when a call goes against Butte AC. The game is played on a dirt field because ore smelters killed all the grass in town.”
So much to process here, including Warner betting the modern equivalent of like $4k on a game — and also that he inserted himself at halftime when he thought they were going to lose!!
Nearly two weeks after Butte, The Chicago Tribune uses the headline “Iowa Cyclone Hits Evanstontown” after underdog Iowa State beats Northwestern 36-0 on Sept. 28. Iowa State adopts Cyclones as the school’s nickname.
This is a nice segway to link to potentially my favorite ever Barking Carnival article: A Message From Jamie Pollard. << You should absolutely click that link.
Kyle Carpenter: Iowa State is probably the one team I can “SEC root” for. I appreciate their success insofar as it raises both the mean and median of the Big 12 (get that Triple Option installed, Kansas) and because their fans and the WRNL guys seem generally decent. But not this week. Herman user just enough of his season’s allotment of points to eek out a 31-28 win.
VY Pump Fake: An opposing quarterback with some decent wheels - never a good sign for the Horns. Texas wins by 1 on a last second field goal from Dicker the Kicker after being edged last week.