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Breaking News: Everyone Named to Preseason Watch List

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Everyone has been named to the Preseason Watch List for the 2018 college football season. The prestigious award will be announced at the end of the college football season by a panel of mammals sponsored by a corporation.

Corporation spokesperson Ed Chang-Biakabutaka remarked,”It’s a terrific opportunity to celebrate everyone. Everyone is outstanding and we believe in rewarding outstandingness in all of the outstanding ways that the trait manifests itself. But never in spontaneous perineal bleeding and accentuated palsy-rash, which we find to be a baseless, irresponsible allegation about one of our products. We are committed to the ideals of inclusiveness and tepid consumer marketing groups that say my blazer with no tie combo and indefinable ethnicity says Important Guy To Be Respected Who Is Also Non-Threatening And Not The Man, and I am most definitely not reading this all from a cue card three to the right of the camera so that my eyes are slightly off center.”

Every player seemed genuinely moved. “For the corporation to sponsor this corporate initiative celebrating college athletics is really an indication of partnerships that I will never see a dime of, but my image, likeness and brand will be used nonetheless. But I have this plaque and got to have a buffet dinner with several gentlemen who wanted to discuss my golf game; a sport I do not enjoy or play. I would also like to add that I find all media accusations of spontaneous perineal bleeding and accentuated palsy-rash to be baseless with respect to the corporation’s products, but most specifically Glitter Tingle Balm, the perineal unguent of champions.”

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