We’re not gonna sit here, smugly atop our pristine high horse (for ease of writing, let’s call said horse Traveler anything but ‘Traveler’) and tell you that we are equally as smart as Tom Herman or last week’s special guest Neil deGrasse Tyson. But you have to afford us at least one “we told ya so.”

...the greatest rope-a-dope ever concocted?

These battlefield tactics could only make sense to a Genghis-Khan, Stannis Baratheon, William Wallace type character. He’s lured ‘em in close. Done the shoosh-finger while he gathered all of the ‘croots in Austin. And now he’s about to BLOW THE DOORS OFF of the USC defense (and call all the plays)(and have Sam run the zone-read without hesitating a second too long)(and have the defense play up to billing)(and have the punter play like his Zeus-like cousin). With strategies like this, we can’t lose. We’re too big to fail.

I mean...I think we called this right down to the “too big to fail” drive in which the Texas offense was bailed out as though our star freshman safety’s first name was Bear instead of Caden Sterns. And we’re talking not once but twice, as if we’re Deutsche Bank or something!

So, after spotting Directional California’s Trojan horse at the gates last week, what does The Pregamer have for the Tom Whisperer 2: Electric Boogalo? We are shifting our prognostication focus from the financial to an elemental smattering (stay tuned for information vegetable, animal, and mineral).

Good news folks, there is an 80% chance for rain on Saturday in Austin. Do you recall the last time Texas beat TCU? There was not only rain, but a 3-hour rain delay. The weather that day was “one of the wettest we’ve ever seen from the standpoint of water.” Now I know what you’re thinking, “blah, blah, but Maryland.” Well that was before Tom Herman had deployed his plan to sync the program’s 900th win up with the 800th (both over USC), and employ this “possum” strategy that will now result in an 11-1 season (first game of the season, non-conference games don’t count, Maryland had inspiration around a fallen teammate — the narrative for a playoff spot checks out).

And you know what else could be aptly described as “one of the wettest we’ve ever seen from the standpoint of water?” That’s right, Gary Patterson and his sweat lackey. Gary likes to be the wettest guy in the room, but with a leveled playing field of moisture? You’ve gotta like Horns by a Del Conte.

#HookEm

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Better Know A Roster

Jalen Reagor (WR, So.) - It’s been so long since the last episode of Game of Thrones, that I don’t even know if my proposed Reagor Targaryen joke would land!

Hidari Ceasar (S, Fr.) - But we all know Hodor was the Ceasar of that show (complete with the actor making an ‘Et tu mom’ comment on instagram!)

Al’Dontre Davis (WR, R-Fr.) - little known fact: is actually named after a typo from Al Davis’ ill-fated restaurant chain “Al’Dente Davis’ Pasta Experience: Just Lin Guine.” After Al submitted the paperwork, he realized the “Al’Dontre” typo, but also realized that his idiot son who was slated to run the restaurant considered PF Changs fine dining.

Ezra Tu’ua (DT, Sr.) - Finding a haircut Better than Ezra? You’ll be found Desperately Wanting. The large man from Anchorage looks Good.

La’Kendrick Van Zandt (S, R-Fr.) - When Kendrick said his next album would be a concept album in character, no one believed he would go this far...

KaVontae Turpin (WR, Sr.) - When it’s against Texas and it’s #TurpinTime, I want to inject turpentine straight into my eyeballs. (An aside, please comment below how long you could make it through this...interesting video about interesting turpentine medicinal use)

Omega Stallworth (RB, So.) - This is just a top notch name. I could easily see this guy being in the next installment of the Gears of War series.

Ridwan Issahaku (S, Sr.) - Seeing as he’s a senior, and this is now my fourth and final year educating in the BKAR section...No, Ridwan. For the last time! ThisaHAIKU:

Jack Powers (WR, Fr.) - Still haven’t seen it, please no Incredibles 2 spoilers.

Pro Wells (TE, So.) - Well, naturally. Be on the lookout for the family talent pipeline. Recruiters are high on his brothers Frack Wells, Shale Wells, and Mineral Rights Wells.

Tevailance Hunt (WR, Fr.) - Sounds like something Jordan Shipley would do on the Longhorn Network in the deep offseason. Not exactly a surveillance hunt, more of a Tevailance Hunt!

Caleb Biggurs (CB, R-Fr.) - He is going to be yuge, bigly, very biggurs than the other guys.

Yishai Yablon (WR, Jr.), Niven Raj (WR, So.) - This sounds like a call-and-response greeting in some world religion (or one in George R.R. Martin’s world).

Kris Dike (OT, Fr.) - Presented without comment:

Christian Applewhite (DE, Jr.) - Lol.

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Around the World

Kansas:

• Guys...Kansas might be a thing? They just ran for 400 yards and thoroughly dominated a Power 5 school (I use the terms both “Power 5” and “school” loosely with Rutgers). KU leads the nation in turnover margin ... and it’s not particularly close. The Jayhawks’ plus-12 margin through three games is four ahead of the next-best team. And Kansas is looking to steal more than a respectable program’s dignity: KU has 13 takeaways, marking the first time an FBS school has registered that mark the first three games since 2014.

Ames, Iowa:

• Iowa State only P5 school to have 4 top-25* opponents in first 6 games (*Iowa currently sits at #26, or it would be 5 out of 6). That’s AIMing a little high, amirite?

Lubbock/Oklahoma:

• Fans in Norman watched with baited [sic: they eat fish bait in Norman] breath as Texas Tech true freshman QB Alan Bowman passed for 605 yards against U of H, sealing McClane Carter as the next great Sooner QB. No word on whether he has ever been in Fayetteville, AR or how his relationship is with local PD.

North Texas

• This was more lols than the Pregamer can ever aspire to be. From the mollywhopping of “SEC Powerhouse” Arkansas 44-17, to the ballsiest and most hilarious punt return of the season, to the coach looking like Ed Orgeron did the Dragon Ball Z fusion dance with Kyle Chandler’s Coach Eric Taylor.

Further down the I-35 Corridor:

• Texas State and UTSA attempt to get in on the trendy rivalry trophy craze.

College Station

• Jimbo is gonna go vegan (assuming snuff is considered “vegan”), which basically means he’s in cahoots with that BBQ-stealin’ Beto O’Rourke! Jimbo is benefitting from the security of a lifetime appointment as A&M coach.

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A list of Stars, who’ve been born:

• The Sam who was Promised
• Caden Sterns
• Dicker. THE Kicker.
• Chris Nelson’s “The Full Nelson”

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Predictions

Kyle Carpenter: Texas channels some of the Big Dicker Energy that presumptive NFL Rookie of the year Michael Dickson is swagging about with this 69 yard punts and drop-kick kickoffs. Between that and winning each of the 4 crucial phases of the game (offense, defense, special teams, and having more Del Contes), Texas does swimmingly 35 - 24.

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Parting Shot