It was the Beck of times, it was the Hurts of times. It was the age of Ingram, it was the age of toolishness, it was the epoch of land thief, it was the epoch of QB ability. It was a tale of two cities (...well Norman might be more of a village).
They will write about this game in the lores of our loincestors, not for the Heisman ballot bruhaha, the Vegas spread mixup (point spread vs buffet spread, ask Tony), but for the pure majesty of mano-a-mano combat between two blood rivals.
In one corner stand the Oklahoma Sooners. Well, less so much standing as rolling in on a ‘schooner.’ Digging into that etymology a bit, a schooner is actually a boat; wagons earned that term by having a white sail and looking, at a distance, like… a giant sailboat? Mmk, and I look like Jon Snow at a distance so go ahead and call me the King in the North. Whatever. The Sooners are led by the Merc of all Mercs. His name literally means to bring pain upon people. He’s not fooling anyone though, Jalen is one-n-done at OU, and he’s there not for the pageantry, not for the glory, not for the Billy Sims BBQ. He’s not there for the love of the open plains and questionable fracking practices. Like all good sith, he’s only there for an opportunity to slay his master.
Either the guy was legitimately brainwashed in Tuscaloosa or he’s Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction levels of obsessed. He’s not just parroting Saban’s favorite phrases, but he’s so mechanical you could cast him in the next Terminator movie. How is this good for Texas? Well, if his oedipal tendencies toward Saban distract him even an ounce, I’ll take it.
There’s been much ado about the Horns Down, which apparently is going to be an ongoing thing we all have to talk about each week. People never mention it, but the Sooners do technically have their own hand sign. When it comes to the horns down though, what people don’t know is that they aren’t trying to actually signal horns down. They’re just trying to advertise their sponsor’s logo and, not being the most creative sort, they just co-opted the most familiar shape to them.
And in the other corner of the Red River Ring sits the Texas Longhorns — by SEC quality-loss standards, the best team in the country. You might even say the loss to LSU proves we are better than Bama or Georgia (zero quality losses combined). Coached by Tom Herman, the Horns are looking to navigate past a veritable M*A*S*H unit of a secondary to stop the aforementioned assassination droid from the future.
The universe has been giving signals in the Longhorns’ favor all week though. Baker was benched for lifetime Longhorn Garret Gilbert. Reports surfaced that both of OU’s tackles may not be available, or at least at full strength, for Saturday’s game. Texas alumnus Shane Buechele has SMU off to their best start since the cocaine decade. Wait, SMU is in Dallas, let me rephrase to be more specific — since the 1980s. Even future Longhorn RB/mustard spokesperson, Bijan ‘Dijon’ Robinson, is breaking records left and right, flashing a hook ‘em at every turn.
The Horns are marching objectively our best team since 2009 up I-35 this weekend, foaming at the mouth to rectify the sour aftertaste of last year’s Big 12 Championship game. Leading the charge, Sam Ehlinger is singularly focused. His stable of WRs continues to grow with the return of Collin Johnson and emergence of Sam Cosmi (100% TD rate). The purposely muted running performances of the first few weeks betray hints of an explosive outing to come. Ehlinger is a man on a mission, and D-Day is here.
The Sooner coaching staff are no slouches, they can gameplan with the best of them. Despite Lincoln’s feigned annoyance with outside assistance, rumor has it they’ve reached out to noted internet sleuth, Rebekah Vardy, to breach the Texas players’ DMs for any possible insight. The fascinating tales of WAGatha Christie aside, Lincoln Riley will have his team ready to play on Fox’s Big Nude Saturday - of that there is no doubt. What is in doubt though, is if Riley will even be the most beloved Lincoln in attendance.
At the end of the day though, these rivalry games come down to one thing — heart. So who will win this weekend? The soulless mercenary, whose secret fantasies involve more Tide Rolling than Sooner Booming? Or will it be the homegrown hero who has bled burnt orange his entire life?
Bonus: BOOMER SOONER is an anagram for OBESE OR MORON
Better Know A Roster
Creed Humphrey (OL,R-So.) - Creeds ranked:
- The one(s) with Michael B. Jordan
- The US Postman’s
- The Scott Stapp vehicle
- Creed Humphrey
Jalen Hurts (QB, Sr.) - You honestly have to respect a kid from Texas who will literally go to any other state because he loves playing in shades of maroon/crimson but couldn’t fathom being an Aggie.
Lindsey Reed (DL, Fr) -
Just kidding — it’s Reed Lindsey, but you thought for a second that Joe Mixon’s Rockin’ Sockin’ Domestic Abusers U was a progressive school.
Jaquayln Crawford (WR, Rs.) - Ok guys...Boy named Sue and all that, weird flex.
Connor McGinnis (QB, R-Sr.) - come on, the kid from OKC? Clearly changed his name from Connor O’Douls to sound like he parties.
Trey Sermon (RB, Jr.) - I am positive he has rapped on a Kirk Franklin album.
Drake Stoops (WR, Rs.) - God, you KNOW Bob Stoops named his kid after the rapper and ABSOLUTELY sold that on recruiting visits. Bob was so insufferable. Son has a real punchable face, too.
Colt Atkinson (QB, Jr.) - You can’t trust small town Texas QBs named Colt who don’t go to UT further than small town Texas QBs named Colt who don’t go to UT can throw a football. So like 5 yards of trust.
Spencer Rattler (QB, Fr.) - Sounds like a jerk rattlesnake kid in Daniel Tiger’s class.
Jeremiah Criddell (S, Fr.) - Never forget.
DaShaun White (LB, So.) - The first great African-American snowboarder.
CeeDee Lamb (WR, Jr.) - True story, I once visited a wool farm in Kingston and asked the Jamaican proprietor where he harvested his goods from. He pointed to the baby sheep in his pasture: “Cee Dee Lamb?”
Charleston Rambo (WR, R-So.) - Did y’all realize there was a new Rambo out last month? Not exactly a critical darling...
Ty DeArman (S, Fr.) - Can’t you just imagine a meathead at your local Gold’s doing “curls for the girls” and “bench for the wench,” while wearing a “Ty, De Arm Man” shirt?
Jon-Michael Terry (OLB, R-Jr.) - Sounds like a 90s country singer. Meets the statute of “OU shall have a player with two-first names” mandated in the state constitution.
Easton Reeves (LB, Fr.) - Sounds like a current Nashville bro-country artist.
Cody Tillman (FB, Rs) - Looks like a 70s Outlaw Country roadie who “had to fill in on-stage behind Levon Helm.”
Brey Walker (OL, Rs.) - In a gas station casino far, far away, Luke Breywalker is a kid with daddy issues who must confront his father Darth Neighder. Steer Wars!
Grant Calcaterra (TE, Jr.) - His name literally means “walked on earth.” Wow, really awesome Grant, any accomplishments since your second birthday?
Better Know a Staff
Linkin Riley, HC - Did you know Linkin is named after the 2000s Nu Metal band and not the famed President. The More You Know!
Alex Grinch, DC - From 4* recruit Joshua Eaton: “(Grinch) told me what it is, straight up. Oklahoma is hurting at defensive back. They’re hurting on defense. Basically, he told me that if there was not one person from the defense that could go to the NFL right now.” You’re a dumb one, Mr Griiiinch…
Shane Beamer, TE; Cale Gundy, Co-OC/WR - The decidedly less famous members of the family.
Bennie Wylie, S&C - I thought Moorer buried him in The Pit?
Jay Boulware, ST/RB - A Texas alum!? Et Tu Boulware?
Mike Leach - Though he doesn’t technically coach for the Sooners, has any article ever been written on just how big of an influence he has had on their success? He only coached one season and finished 7-5, but the Sooners were 30-38-1 in the preceding seven seasons and Stoops was a defensive guy. Also, he coached Bill Beden..Kid Rock at Iowa Wesleyan (see MountainAIR Raid, last week) and he +Holgo built his career. Lincoln Riley is from his tree (backed up Kliff), and he launched Alex Grinch into Broyles Award contention by having a Wazzou defense so putrid that he looked like Jesus, but turning turpentine into wine. Ruffin McNeil is a Leach guy (the unfortunate soul who launched Riley’s career at ECU). This is also what comes up when you google Mike Leach -- just google’s top search return bar.
I’m just saying...when Riley takes the Dallas Cowboys job...let’s bring Leach back where he belongs. Back home to the Big 12.
Anything Interesting Happen Last Week?
Texas: Sam Cosmi showed to be the nation’s best TE, officially breaking the Curse of Jermichael Finley:
OU: With under two minutes to halftime, OU punted only up 14-7 to Kansas...on 4th and Goal!!!!
OKLAHOMA FOURTH-AND-GOAL PUNT pic.twitter.com/dUclYVcPRj— Yahoo Sports College Football (@YahooSportsCFB) October 5, 2019
A Gallery of Past Programs
They haven’t aged quite as gracefully as Mack Brown.
Now That’s What I Call Moozik! Vol. HATE
This is the big one. Plug in, turn it on, let the hate flow through you. Hate so hard you’ll make Silky Johnson blush. This is what it’s all about.
- “I Hate Everything About You,” Three Days Grace - A little on the nose? Perhaps. But what else could you expect? It’s HATE week, not “Lips of an Angel” week. The way they horns down, the way the ones up, the way they deploy quarterbacks for hire like a 18th century Hessian mercenary squad. Every. Single. Thing. Hate.
- “Oklahoma Breakdown,” Stoney LaRue - Pop quiz time! Is this A) An offensive line reference? B) A general defensive ineptitude reference? C) A Baker Mayfield in the NFL going down faster than the time he got trucked by police officers reference? Or D) The inevitable Sooner collapse once Lincoln Bolts for the Cowboys reference? Answer: E) All of the above.
- “Alabama,” Cross Canadian Ragweed - The single greatest export Oklahoma has ever produced. I miss them. Here they do the reverse Hurts.
- “Okie From Muskogee,” Merle Haggard - White lightning ain’t the greatest thrill of all. It’s beating those land thieves back into the plains from whence they came.
- “Bodies,” Drowning Pool - I’m building up so much early 2000s angst, I’m about to grow my hair out and tell my mom how I really feel about my Old Navy cargo shorts. I just wanna see BJ Foster lay the wood on a blindside sack and put a body on the ground (with no serious or life-threatening injuries of course) to set up a scoop and score like it’s 2005 all over again. NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.
- “Closer,” Kings of Leon - Few things bum me out more than the fact that the Cousins Leon are massive OU stans. It’s like Jim Ross. He’d be the perfect man if he wasn’t a damn sooner.
- “Jumpman,” Drake, Future - Last week while I was studying game film fueling my hate tank, I noticed OU’s O-line in some admittedly sick Jordan 1 cleats. This isn’t so much putting lipstick on a pig as it is putting whipped cream on a cow patty. They don’t deserve that much sauce.
- “Boys From Oklahoma,” Cross Canadian Ragweed - I said I missed ‘em and they came back! Y’all know how it goes. They have poor taste in preferred hand sign, they don’t play defense, and they roll their joints all wrong. There’s nothing to like about OU and everything to hate.
- “Drank in My Cup,” Kirko Bangz - Kirko Grindz in the mix! I can’t say it any better than Cody Daniel did here. Welcome back, Kirk.
- “thank u, next,” Ariana Grande - Ready to get this rivalry in the rearview with a dub in the backseat and smooth sailing to a Big 12 ‘ship in front of us. As I write this it’s currently 11:47am aaaaaand
VY Pump Fake: An unrivaled atmosphere, arguably the most iconic stage and game in college football. The pride, the pageantry, the deep fried chicken cordon bleu stuffed waffles. Much like fair attendees, the Horns feast. King Keondre literally eats a Sooner guard. It gets a little out of hand. A trident is involved somewhere. Texas by 2 shellshocked OU offensive tackles.
Intern Eli: Texas deploys their ultimate gadget: The Roschon Roulette, a wildcat with Roschon at QB, Dev The Duve, Brennan Fly Eagles Fly, and Malcolm “Mike” Epps in trips to one side, Jake The Snake Smith, and Call-In Johnson to the other. It cannot be defended. Texas wins 42-24 after quelling OU after the first half.
Kyle Carpenter: We all know the rollicking humor of the 1890s, and while simps will tell you that the Sooners got their nickname from being dirty, rotten, no-good, low-down thieves of the earth; the learn-ed amongst us will tell you that they were making the same joke about the residents of the state being...Premature as we all make about Rick Pitino’s 15 seconds of fame. Texas by a Cosmi TD.