As Herr Stanley rained bombs upon our depleted secondary, my mind’s eye flashed to The Blitz of World War II. In what I can only presume was an equally traumatic experience, the Britons carried themselves with admirable resolve. As gritty, embedded reporters engulfed in the burnt orange fog of war, we’ve appropriated the classic British slogan of populous solidarity to rally our fellow Longhorns.
For. Real. When Twitter is widely diagnosing your blitzes before they reach the line of scrimmage you know there is a problem. But deep breaths Longhorn Faithful, this week we get to play against TCU Horned Frogs who lost to lowly SMU this year. What’s that, SMU is 8-0? Well, even better - by the transitive Buechele property that basically means Texas beat TCU already, so again - let your exhalation flag fly my friends. KU was an aberration, hyped up on smoke and mirrors. The KU QB (and half of bluegrass legendary duo “The Stanley Brothers”) found bulletin board material via some excellent video editing by the Kansas staff. “Definitely an emotional game. I think we received a lot of disrespect before this game,” Stanley said. “I actually love Texas. I love everything about this place, really, except for one guy on the coaching staff on that sideline, and you can probably figure out who it is based off of his press conference earlier this week.” Literal FAKE NEWS. We all know that never works.
Anyway, on to TCU and the horny toads - and no that’s not a multi-layered joke about the 40/60 male/female student body ratio. Well, it wasn’t initially. This is the team Texas has lost 4 of our last 5 games against. The team we haven’t beaten in Ft. Worth since 2013. The team that Vegas opened as a 2.5 point favorite over Texas. The team that despite all the K-State/Snyder wizard memes, has been secretly coached by the most powerful purple wizard in the Big 12, a level 20 rogue sorcerer that can conjure a top 15 defense out of a ham sandwich and a sweat soaked performance polo.
It’s probably appropriate we are facing a master magician this week. Given the fact that we have a bye week next ‘Halloween’ week, this matchup is our de facto Boo Bowl. Speaking of Halloween and the fun, innocent pageantry of dressing up in costume, here’s a picture from the archives of Justin Trudeau at TCU, Halloween 1989.
Continuing in the vein of ghastly garb for the holiday, for your viewing pleasure, we present Big XII coaches and their 2019 Halloween costumes. During the compilation of this feature, I learned that Texas Tech’s new coach is named Matt Wells!
From left to right:
- Lincoln Riley - not necessarily in costume so much as already preparing game plans for 2020
- Matt Campbell - because it was easy to photoshop a corn costume but now I wish I did a campbell soup can (split pea #9?! Criminal)
- Gary Patterson - honestly looking chill AF for a priest with a shh don’t tell bear behind him; there’s probably more layers to this joke but hey we’re not Spotlight
- Matt Rhule - the bear costume and proclivity for secrets came contractually obligated
- Les Miles - the mad hatter himself, obviously sipping green grass tea
- Chris Klieman - relative to their last coach, the guy’s an infant - also scarecrows are the second most populous crows in Kansas!
- Neal Brown - should probably never show his knees again
- Tom Herman - so Mensa he’s intentionally handicapped our defense just to make our games interesting
- Mike Gundy - will haunt your dreams while making it very clear that he is both of a certain gender and a certain age
- Matt Wells - is a guy that apparently exists… or does he, Mr. Anderson?
After bracketing Halloween with two losses last year, here’s hoping the Mensa move to schedule BYE this year instead pays dividends. First though, we have TCU. With a returning starter or two and Heisman front-runner Carter Stanley in the rearview mirror, it’s time for the Horns to get back to business.
The Del Conte Bowl
The Texas Longhorns are 1-0 in the newly minted Chris Del Conte Bowl (which sounds like an item on the ‘Taco Bell Eat Great Even Late 4th Meal, presented by Ricky Williams’ Real Wellness Brand’ menu)
To give a historical perspective, CDC has only been at the losing school once in the past 7 years.
Better Know A Roster
Kenny Hill (Offensive Grad Assistant)- This version of Trill OG(A) isn’t quite Bun B approved.
Tre’Vius Hodges-Tomlinson (CB, Fr.) - In this new era of “payin’ the players,” famous alumni can just throw their last name on the end of a player’s jersey?? Wish Colt would’ve tried that with the receiver from California! Maybe he would’ve stuck around.
Parker Workman (DE, Jr.) - The guy looks like an extra in the Night’s watch. Supporting this theory? He transferred in from Snow College.
Max Duggan (QB, Fr.) - You’re telling me this WASN’T a market-tested but ultimately scrapped Duke Nukem knockoff franchise?
La’Kendrick Van Zandt (LB, So.) - Up until now I had no idea I needed a Kendrick/Ronnie mashup. To Pimp a Freebird. Come on!
John Lanz (OG, R-Fr.), Pro Wells (TE, So.) - A guy could absolutely get elected in FW with the campaign slogan: Pro Landz, Pro Wells, Pro Mother Frackin’ ‘Merica
Nook Bradford (S, Fr.) - This sounds like a guy who served in your grandfather’s unit The War. Real practical jokester of the bunch, too.
Maxwell Finch (PK, Jr.) - He’s got that “My dad’s got the bail money” glow.
Garret Wallow (LB, Jr.) - S--Pitz or Wallows, which is it baby?
Caleb Biggurs (CB, So.) - Remember way back to like 2016 when the English language was the worst thing our prez abused with “Bigly”? Sighs nostalgically.
Cole Sayre (PK, Fr.) - It’s election szn so candidates vie for the coveted “Coal Sayer” award (and corresponding Super-PAC) donation -- because even speaking about coal, keeps an antiquated and obsolete power source in our dumb national conversation for another cycle.
Kris Dike (OT, R-Fr.) - I SAID NO COMMENT!
Cade Rosenkranz (WR, Fr.) - I can totally see Gary Patterson as Claudius in this scenario, but does that make Kenny Trill Hamlet?
Jordy Sandy (P, Fr.) - Jesus, not a guy named Jordy in purple...at least he launching and not returning punts.
Emari Demercado (RB, Jr.) This is as mellifluous as ‘cellar door.’
Jalen Reagor (WR, Jr.), Karson Ringdahl (WR, Sr.), Atanza Vongor (S, R-Fr.) - Can’t wait to read GRRM’s book to see how the actual 3-heads of the Dragon play out.
Lucas Niang (OT, Sr.) - You never hear about the black Amish, but All-Conference tackle is all about the runspringa.
Innis Gaines (S, Sr.) - Sounds like a Garth Brooks-inspired alter ego.
Dylan Thomas (WR, Jr.) - Do not go gently into that good night game.
Dee Winters (LB, Fr.) - Goes by the astute nickname “Global Warming,” because he De-Winters polar bears.
Coy McMillon (C, So.) - he looks like he has been trapped in Amon Carter Stadium, only unearthed Brendan Fraser style during the recent round of expansion.
Guys, we of all people get it. We made hay with our ridiculous jersey ideas a few years ago.
But even the Texas Pregamer knew where to draw the line with the chicanery! Your Darkwing Duck meets drunk Toronto Raptors number was just…”oh honey, no.”
TCU’s uniform for the Texas game. pic.twitter.com/7A1q0YAtvv— Drew Davison (@drewdavison) October 22, 2019
As if teaching metaphors in an English 101 class, you really doubled-down with bizarre backstories on the uniforms being because of the whole “some horned frogs can shoot blood from their eyes” -- and you therefore made all of our eyes bleed with your monstrocity.
For those wondering what the red represents... #GoFrogs #SpitBlood pic.twitter.com/81cB6qGlvl— FROG UPDATES (@FrogUpdates) October 23, 2019
Now That’s What I Call Moozik! Vol. 8
It’s hard to make a playlist for a party you’re not looking forward to going to. It’s not an “all hope is lost” situation, but that’s not the type of last second three I want to have to need to beat Kansas. And heading into The Fort like this is not how I wanna ride into this stretch of conference play. But we’re northbound 35. Pass me the aux like I’m Devin Duvernay on a sensibly timed slant route.
- “Goin’ Through The Big D,” Mark Chestnutt - What Pooka Williams must have been thinking all last week. Really didn’t appreciate ol’ law-firm named Carter Stanley dicing us up for a cool 65, either. Clamp down, horns up.
- “The Boys Are Back In Town,” Thin Lizzy - This Saturday will be 6 years to the day that Texas last won at TCU. Marcus Johnson was the hero that day with a cool 120 on 3 catches and a TD for good measure. Here’s hoping we get some good movement against a staunch TCU D and get outta The Fort with a dub.
- “The Underdog,” Spoon - Texas opened as 2.5 point dogs to this lesser horned animal team. The line’s since shifted to a less-than-comfortable 1.5 point favorite to win. I’m not emotionally prepared for another close one.
- “Purple Rain,” Prince - To be quite honest, I’ll take any excuse to include something from The Purple One himself in these playlists. But these home alt uni’s should ban TCU from wearing the royal color forever. This is a worse look for homecoming than the time I wore boot cut jeans over some Nike SBs and a solid color polo from Old Navy. 2008 was weird.
- “In the Mood,” Glenn Miller - The list of notable TCU alumni is a short one. Just like the trumpet solo in this Glenn Miller classic, courtesy of one Clyde Hurley, TCU class of 1936.
- “Smooth (feat. Rob Thomas),” Santana - What am I saying, TCU can claim (a) Rob Thomas as one of its notable former students. Not the Matchbox Twenty one, though. This Rob actually played for the Horned Frogs for a minute before transferring to... UT. He has since moved on to a very successful career in Hollywood as a writer and producer. Good on ya’, Bobby.
- “Slip Away,” Clarence Carter - Precisely what our hopes at anything more than a Texas Bowl appearance will do if we continue this trend. But this song is an absolute jam.
- “The Drugs Don’t Work,” The Verve - Getting addicted to a blitz that’s hardly effective has crippled this defense, while on the other side of the ball, our O-Line is letting dudes through faster than a beleaguered doorman at Shakespeares on 5 dollar liquor pitcher night. The blitz don’t work, it just makes us worse.
- “Stand By Your Man,” Tammy Wynette - But we can’t wave by to Toddy O just yet. Maybe this is just what he wanted all along. Rely on injuries and inexperience to misdirect us all before he dives into a masterclass in how to right the ship to end the season.
- “Southbound 35,” Pat Green - One goal for after the game: point the plane south with a win in stowaway.
Intern Eli - Texas runs Hail Mary every other down just to put the “Christ” back in Texas CHRISTian University. UT 47, TCU 13.
VY Pump Fake: Jalen Green expected to play vs TCU is just about the sweetest phrase I’ve ever heard. This should fix all our problems as there is nothing systematically wrong with our defense. Texas wins it in a classic Big 12 defensive slugfest! 62-59
Kyle Carpenter: Did you know their hashtag is #CarterBoys? I feel like noted Texas fan Beyonce will soon be suing for the rights to that, with twins Rumi and Sir. But then Gary Patterson will counter-sue for his patented open the door and his sweat comes rushing out like a river move.
Sounds like a legal stalemate similar to rival what we’ll see on the field. Texas by 7.