Bill Snyder, Special Ambassador for the University. Kind of a step down from Bill Snyder, Wildcat Deity and Octogenarian Warlock. Then again, deifying an 80+ year old football coach doesn’t exactly have a great success rate overall, so maybe the timing was just right. Replacing the wildcat legend to take over a Costco warehouse of under-priced 2 star recruits is one CK. No, this is not the CK featured in a grayscale ad gently nestling Marky Mark’s Funky Bunch. This is the Chris Klieman (rhymes with hymen) who won 4 out of 5 championships with the North Dakota State Bison. A proven, championship caliber, winner. It’s a novel concept really, take the coach who basically only wins championships and hire him instead of a nepotistic promotion.
Did that image stir up some confusing feelings for you? What about this one below — clearly showing Chris Klieman, Lifetime Longhorn. Now I’m not saying we should retroactively light the tower orange for his NDSU championships — that’d be a bit too Aggie — but the man is not afraid to show his Longhorn pride.
Then again, he’s also the kind of maniac who tucks in a dry fit t-shirt. Into actual belted pants. Seems far more suited to the booming metropolis of Manhattan...Kansas.
From a coaching perspective the early returns have been good, but it’s best not to get too excited about a non-Snyder coach before there is a statistically significant sample size. The last coach to replace a Snyder?
Ole Ron Prince himself! You might know him from The News literally YESTERDAY. The Howard Bison (weird double Bison link here, cc:Spencer Hall) coach, averaging 17 players in the transfer portal per season so far, is allegedly accused of being...basically Mark Mangino. The artist formerly known as Coach Prince lost 8 of his 9 games as head coach this year, one of them by 79 points to get Maryland ranked. Can you imagine? Losing to Maryland?
On the Longhorn side, we return to football after a two week long stumble through an uncomfortably familiar wilderness. If you were to compare the typical ‘bandwagon tranche’ of Longhorn fans to a classic Conestoga, you might say they’re right at the level of Sooner Schooner on the cusp of the pride and the fall. That would be, just after pride but not quite yet at the complete overturn and barrel roll on national television. Will the Horns be able to correct the oversteer and right our course for the rest of the season? Our much maligned and mangled defense has been the belle of the bye week ball.
A week off for To Orlano to try to rediscover his D. The echo of defenses past continues to surface, reminding the world that Texas does a better job of developing (opposition) QBs than Coach Eric Taylor, Kingmaker. Now we face the Bison Braintrust, the Flyover First Lieutenant, the Manhattan Mentalist, the Purple Principal… we’re open to suggestions. Klieman & the EMAWs have already felled one giant this year and they have also beat Oklahoma as well. They’d certainly love to add the Horns to that list. Several dynamic playmakers will return to the field for Texas this week, and not a moment too soon. Get ready for the first Longhorn football in two weeks everybody. And don’t forget to shield your children’s eyes whenever something inappropriate comes on screen — like a delayed safety blitz.
Better Know a Roster
Jax Dineen (Fr., FB) - We all remember his brother Joe as a standout LB for Kansas. His other brother, Jay is currently on the roster. His parents are literally named Joe and Jodi. They are literally the letter ‘J’ Hawks...and yet the ridiculousness of being named Jax precluded him from the family’s (mis)fortunes.
Nick Ast (So., QB) - He Ast, my dude.
Jace Friesen (Fr., DE), Blaise Gammon (Sr., TE), Jhet Burkhart (R-Fr., LB) - There are 14 Jaces, 2 Blaises, and 2 Jhets in the FBS. I am literally done with you parents...thanks Gen X.
Khalid Duke (Fr., LB) - Another one. Or so Coach Klie hopes.
Cooper Beebe (Fr., OL) -
I was so excited that this might be Dan Beebe’s son, just look at the sweaty nervousness and tell me it couldn’t be! Alas, they are not related, but have a look at what the former Big 12 Cheese is up to via his own LinkedIn.
Tre Eaton (Fr., OL), Elliot Ollenburger (R-Fr., WR), Jaylen Pickle (R-Fr., DT), Randen Plattner (R-Fr., LS) - Tre is a big (white) boy, 6’7, 290. I am positive he has gone to some Kansas Midwestern diner in Olathe, KS and asked for the daily “Random Platter” or eaten the Ollenburger, extra Pickle.
Chabastin Taylor (So., WR) - Lil Chabastin is actually 6’4. Bye bye Big Chabastin!
Harrison Creed (So., OL) - Well now I just imagined Harrison Ford playing Creed Bratton in the mockumentary about the ultimate mockumentary, The Office.
Ben Driver (Fr., DB) - This is the Aussie equivalent of the “Name is Ben. Ben Dover” joke. Go ahead, say it out loud in your best Croc Dundee,
Joe Flax (R-Fr., DE) - “but is Joe Flax elite?”
Konner Fox (Fr., TE) - You’ve got two spelling violations in the first name alone. Dude should be playing lacrosse. If only he chose to go with double (or Triple?) X.
Kyle Ball (Sr., DE) - This is what our favorite Pregamer writer does on the basketball court.
Vaughn Malone (Fr., DB) - After an unfortunate play trying to wrangle in an overthrown pass in the back of the endzone...his teammates now call him “goalPOST” Malone.
Daron Bowles (Sr., DB) - How many times do I have to tell these teams that you can’t just change one letter of a name and try to sneak your all-time greats back onto the field. Or don’t you think promising freshman Michael Ruff and his biceps would’ve suited up for the depleted Texas secondary by now??
Now That’s What I Call Moozik, Vol. 9
- “Here I Go Again”, Whitesnake - It’s time to let bye weeks be bygones. Let’s rage.
- “All We Got”, Chance The Rapper - Chance’s undeniable positivity and genuine joy in making a career out of making his art shine through here. It’s the same energy we have to move into the rest of the season with. That’ll be easier now with Caden, BJ, Demarvion, Jeffrey, AND Jordan getting cleared.
- “Foolish”, Ashanti - My heart can’t take no more, but I keep on running back to Toddy O hoping, praying, for some kind of blitz package adjustment. He’s a project. We just want to fix him. But he needs to fix himself before he can love others get back to being a successful DC in this league.
- “Turn The Page”, Bob Seger - Here we are. At home again. Here we are. Up on the 2:30 stage. Here we are. Playing purple again. Get the win, turn the page.
- “Wildcats”, Ratatat - Every game week I research famous alums of the teams we’re playing for inspo on these playlists. KSU boasts exactly zero significant musicians amongst its alumni base. Defaulting to the mascot in this case yielded a gem I forgot I loved. All’s well that ends well.
- “The Seed (2.0)”, The Roots - Jimmy Fallon being on campus this week has injected some serious energy into the city. The dude loves White Horse. The dude loves Hole In The Wall. The dude buys rounds of beers. I love this dude. I love his backing band. I love this song.
- “I Love You Always And Forever”, Betty Who - Longhorn City Limits will once again be rocking with Betty Who main eventing. She’s absolutely electric.
- “No Me Queda Mas”, - Selena - But the opener for LCL is Bidi Bidi Banda, Austin’s finest Selena cover band. Sheesh. Pure heat on a chilly Saturday afternoon. Let’s go.
Intern Eli - Sam goes off but more importantly Sterns & Foster put dudes to sleep. Texas 45, K-State 27.
VY Pump Fake - Texas risks its reign atop the All-Big 12 Injured Team this week, as several starters return to the field. Despite the fall from injury domination, Texas walks away with a nice consolation prize - Texas by 17.
Kyle Carpenter: First, let’s make sure you didn’t miss: A week off for To Orlano to try to rediscover his D. Next, this is the big one, The Battle of Wizardfell. Where hype, secrets, and millions of dollars have been spent on the “final battle” against death incarnate. There’s no way this one can be any kind of let down.
Jimmy Fallon came to Austin to film on the 40 Acres, which is pretty awesome just as an advertisement and a reminder that there is literally no other school as cool as the one located in the Texas Capitol. The best parts (and despite any misgivings you have, there were many):
- Aggie slander
Fallon slayed. #HookEm pic.twitter.com/NltvbVJ7fu— Justin Wells (@justinwells2424) November 8, 2019
2. The Trap Eyes of Texas
Gucci Mane (@gucci1017) performs a trap version of “The Eyes of Texas” #FallonAtUT pic.twitter.com/uX0MNMc2Fr— Fallon Tonight (@FallonTonight) November 8, 2019
Unrelated to Jimmy though, the best thing of the week might be former Austinite (now excommunicated) Baker Mayfield - who at the tender age of 24, looks like he’s...seen some things.
been undercover too long chief you gotta get me out pic.twitter.com/z5olcxdi7w— BUM CHILLUPS (@edsbs) November 4, 2019