The new season is in full swing and yet, as always, some things never change. Maryland has Benjamin Buttoned the CFB season yet again, dragging what we thought was a wrinkly old corpse onto the field and dropping peak Brad Pitt dimples on the poor Howard Bisons to extinction-level effect. We should have warned them - never get involved in a land war in Asia and never play Maryland week 1. Would that it were so simple.
But we’re fully ALIGNED and 1-0, and this isn’t Rivalry Week, so let’s dispatch with the Testudo Terror and it’s annual visit to drop a deuce on my
medulla oblongata amygdala. No, this is ‘We are not afraid and have no problems scheduling SEC powerhouses’ Week, aka ‘LSU week’ aka “The Ryan Perriloux Bowl” for short. College Gameday is in Austin and the matchup has a tighter grip on the collective CFB consciousness than Ossai had on the ball during his sublime pick six last weekend. There’s no lack of topics to cover. We have K’Lavon Chaisson, who flip-flops more than a British MP, helping personally wallpaper the UT locker room. The ‘get-in’ price has surpassed a round trip ticket from Austin to ACTUAL Orléans in France. Reports are surfacing that Coach O employs no less than three personal translators - one for grumbles, one for physical gestures, and a third to break down what it all means (please check the thread, below).
What's your favorite sports rivalry? Mine is Ed Orgeron vs. the closed captioning on YouTube. pic.twitter.com/bEkGcI8yfm— Pete Roulier (@PeteRoulier) August 2, 2018
Sometimes to understand the present you must look to the past. The last time Texas played LSU, the coaching staff was:
Does this mean Ed Orgeron will succeed Saban in Tuscaloosa? Dave Aranda will lose to Mack Brown under the looming specter of a literal hurricane? That
Joe Brady Steve Ensminger will join a cult in the middle of nowhere? You can let us know how Vegas sets the line on those three. But also in the past is Roy Williams racking up 40 yards per touch, TDs from Cedric Benson, and the guy who played Ivory Christian in the Friday Night Lights movie recovering 2 fumbles, one he took to the house.
This is an entirely different era in 2019 -- LSU was hit with some flack in the offseason for lavish locker room upgrades while the school, and state itself, remain more cash strapped than an Aggie Booster after the monthly Jimbo check auto-withdraws. In fact, the Louisiana budget might be in worse shape than our running back room, and that’s saying something. Our RB room is so beat up:
- The Walking Dead won’t even let them zombie cameo.
- Chic-Fil-A called and asked “Y’all good?”
- The statues of Earl and Ricky had to be moved inside because they almost came to life.
- Hugh Freeze may set them up with hospital beds to watch from the press box (visors included).
The walking wounded include:
- Jordan Whittington - 4 - 6 weeks
- Kirk Johnson - 4 - 6 weeks
- Danny Young - 3 - 4 weeks
- Derrian Brown - TBD after suffering a stroke in high school (even the fact that he’s with the team is miraculous)
- Jarret Smith - preferred walk-on, hurt in offseason
- Keaontay Ingram - battled a bone bruise heading into Week 1
- Roschon Johnson - QB 2 weeks ago
- David Gbenda 4* - ILB 4 days ago
- Mason Ramirez - recently became a scholarship player...at DB
To address the gaping chest wound of a RB depth chart, it’s high time we exercised some outstanding contract options to bulk back up.
- Time to recall Kyle Porter (University of Houston), Toneil Carter (Sam Houston State) and Tristian Houston (Southwest Oklahoma State) from loan.
- May even be time to call Bijan Robinson up from the U-18s.
- Does Ramonce Taylor still have any eligibility?
It’s going to be a slug fest Saturday night and the nation will be watching. DKR will be bursting at the seams with fans and potential croots. Pens will be dripping with the ink of conference narratives waiting to be written. It’s the closest to auto-erotic asphyxiation Kirk (Kurt?) Bohls will have been since 2010. In one fell swoop, the Horns have a chance to silence both the Disinterested Georgia and Simple Sam campaigns. Here’s to hoping that Ingram can channel the dreadlocked greats of UT past; that Sam can yet again manifest sheer willpower into touchdowns; that the next generation of DBU can come of age; that Malcolm Roach gets Charlie Brewer levels of petty bump from his hometown team not offering. We’ll need it all.
Better Know a Roster
Speaking of that uber-talented team from Baton Rouge, even Google has taken to mocking them with an EA-Sports-created-player photo for “Heisman after 1-week” QB Burrow while showing a picture of back-up Myles Brennan that looks like a young Steve Spurrier crossed with Trump family hair. Also Kardell Thomas is a big boy, I’ll leave it at that in case he reads this.
Joe Burrow (QB, Sr.) - Burrow is no joke described in his official LSU bio as a “Gritty competitor that isn’t fazed by a big hit … Has the toughness and mindset of an offensive lineman” -- which are fascinating ways of saying “white.”
A little known fact is that Joe’s dad coached all over the Soybelt (Iowa, Minnesota, Nebraska, North Dakota) and named his son’s middle name after the product. Joe Soy Burrow, which when pronounced in spanish, roughly translates to “I am a donkey.”
Micah Baskerville (LB, So.) - “Baker Mayfield”, except auto generated by EA NCAA Football circa 2003 in an attempt to circumvent likeness issues. Hound of the Baskervilles, indeed.
Austin Deculus (OL, Jr.) - This may be the most re-deculus anagram name you’ll find all season. He gives you:
- Luau Disc Tunes (see Eli’s section below)
- Usual Tic Nudes
- Cue unsaid slut
- Adieu Sun Cults
- Us uncut ladies
- Lunatic sued us
- Unusual Edicts
- and his aol instant messenger screen name: I, USA Stud Uncle.
Lanard Fournette (RB, Sr.) - No way! If the Jaguars running back can suit up with a fake name, than Rijan Bobinson and Malcomb Brown can both ad some depth for Texas.
Badara Traore (OT, Sr.) - If you say this name with the right inflection it sounds like a delicious Southern Italian pasta dish as pronounced by Giada when she’s feeling all ethnic and saucy.
Evan Francioni (WR, Fr.) - Evan “Yeah lemme call my uncle Dennis, we can probably take his boat up to Havisu for Spring Break if my family doesn’t go to PV again” Francioni.
K’Lavon Chaisson (OLB, So.) - I am DESPERATE to hear Coach O pronounce his name. Clearly his bag man knew it was ‘Chai$$on.’
Damien Lewis (OG, Sr.) - People will point to his work in Billions and Homeland as Lewis at the peak of his powers, but if you can make it through Band of Brothers without him making you feel Dick Winters should have been our president then you have no taste.
Lloyd Cushenberry III (C, Jr.) - Once he hangs up the cleats, he’ll dawn the apron passed down through generations and run the family’s berry-jam canning business.
Michael Divinity Jr. (OLB, Sr.) - Gawd, Criss Angel. We get it. You TOTALLY aren’t a student in Louisiana now. ;) ;)
Cade Comeaux (DB, Fr.) - You know what they say about a gathering of Cade’s relatives, “Come one, Comeaux.”
Dare Rosenthal (OT, Fr.), - There is a long, if overlooked Jewish influence in LA, mainly in NoLa. One Tulane student years ago told me the state’s premier academic institution was known colloquially as “Jewlane” and that there is a recipe for oysters mock-a-feller using gefilte fish. I guess that’s how you get to be 6’8, 320. I DARE you to say anything to him.
Zach Von Rosenberg (P, Jr.) - Equally of the tribe, Zach was a punter for Zachary HS in Zachary, LA...
Racey McMath (WR, Jr.) New Orleans, La. (Edna Karr HS) - This guy sounds like an X-Rated arithmetic-themed breakfast sandwich from McDonalds. And I’m saying that with all due respect. All-time name.
Thomas McGoey (WR, Fr.) - from E.D. White Catholic HS in Thibodaux...but honestly being White Catholic and named Thomas McGoey are kind of redundant.
Brandon Hubicz (TE, Fr.) - God I hope he self-edits the Lizzo line: “I Just took a DNA test; turns out, I’m a 100% Hubicz.”
Chasen Hines (OG, So.) - I am choosing to believe his last name is pronounced with a hard E (think “high knee” more than the catsup). So that way he’s “Chasen Heinie”
Stephen King (TE, Fr.) - He’s got that “IT” factor written all over him.
Bad College Game Day Sign Ideas
As y’all may or may not have heard hombres, the titans of Gameday de Collegio have a little tradition. A little thing called say-leb-ray-tea pickin’. And pickin’ is how the baby cabrito becomes the big bad goat. So the MoC will be P-I-C-K-in the Horns and prophesizing other sundries, but it behooves of me to ask you a simple favor. Come bearing your soul on colorful pieces of posterboard kemosabes. It’s the dia del game for the orange!
- Prof McConaughey’s grading scale: Alright x3, Alright x2, Just Alright, Ghost of girlfriends (barely) passed, Failure to Launch.
- Ed Orgeron looks like Fred Flintsone’s long-lost cousin...Ed Flintsteauxne. -- “Yabba Dabba Deaux”
- Flowers for Orgeron
- Obama’s Dijon burger > Zach Mettenberger
- Shaq made more money in college than Huey P. Long
Please feel free to incorporate any of these Ed O photos provided in this gallery, and don’t hesitate to shout out the Texas Pregamer in your works.
(Slide to view gallery)
Now! That’s What I Call Moo-zik -- Vol. 2
Wow, the outpouring of support for last week’s playlist has been absolutely mindblowing. It seems you all are the strong, silent type but I can appreciate that! Thank you all for the encouragement. My probationary period is still in effect, but I’m hopeful these songs keep the hype train on the tracks and I can come back next week with some fire Rice tunes.
“Callin’ Baton Rouge”, Garth Brooks. Garth Brooks won’t put his music on Spotify so consider this a workaround. The student section at Death Valley goes wild for Garth’s 1993 hit. It’s absolutely electric down there and it’s got us stoked for a visit next year. Love a passionate student section. Love how committed ours is, too.
“Louisiana Saturday Night”, Mel McDaniel. Welllll you get down the fiddle and you get down the bow, another pick six on that Boy Burrow. Dancing in the endzone ‘til the morning light, Texas, Texas Fight. (REMIXXXXXX)
“I Miss You”, Blink 182. Based off our near inconceivable running back woes, this one could go out to Kyle, Toneil, Tristian, Derrian, Danny, Jordan, OR Jarrett. But this one has long been the song that comes to mind when I think of Kirk Johnson. My biggest hope going into the season is that we’d get one play with a package that somehow features the brothers Ehlinger AND Johnson on the field. I’m not ruling that out yet. We’re hurting, but we’ll come through this stronger. Which is what I told myself the last time this song made a playlist of mine back in ‘04. 7th grade was rough.
“I’ll Stand By You”, The Pretenders. With those injuries in place, seeing Roschon and David step up and embrace the “whatever it takes” mindset has been inspiring. I’d like to imagine this song playing over a montage of footage of those selfless ballers walking into the running back room and joining Keaontay. It makes my heart feel better. But if Roschon has to run it, I’m not even in the least bit worried.
“God Only Knows”, The Beach Boys. Before he enjoyed a dominant run as the eccentric closer for the San Francisco Giants, but only after he made an experimental and groundbreaking album for the Beach Boys, Brian Wilson attended LSU on a baseball scholarship. It’s truly remarkable how-- we have received word that these might not be the same person.
“Paper Tiger”, Spoon. Austin’s iconic alt-rock band hit the nail on the head with this 2002 deep cut, stating “A paper tiger can’t tell you where he stenoughands.” As it were, Britt Daniel’s lyrics accurately explain the meaning of the phrase “Paper Tiger”, which draws its origin from the Chinese phrase “zhilaohu”, roughly translating to “K’Lavon Chaisson.”
“Good”, Better Than Ezra. These boys from Baton Rouge write their songs all wrong. You can’t have your number one song named “Good” and your name be “Better Than Ezra.” Read it all on one line. It creates this scenarios where being “good” is “better” than Ezra’s performance. They shoulda called it “Perfect.” Settling for good ain’t good , boys.
“Blue Eyed Angels”, Rob Baird. Longhorn City Limits is going to be rocking before kickoff. Rob Baird opening up for Midland is a helluva show anywhere, but before a Texas game it’s just beautiful. Love this track from Baird’s 2010 debut album of the same name. He’s exceptional.
“More Than A Fever”, Midland. They’re not the most conventional country act on the scene, but given how unconventional modern country got there for a decade, that’s not a bad thing. These dudes are a part of a new wave that’s bringing some much needed genuine sound and musical chops to the genre. It’ll be a great show.
“From Louisiana”, Louisiana Ca$h. They call it that boot. We call it that boot whupping. Horn’s up.
Sam’s Fall Inspo Board
Kyle Carpenter: I can’t believe intern Eli skipped the glaringly obvious Coach O as Bip Bippadotta (of Mahna Mahna fame) for his little mixtape. Let’s hope LSU forgets to crunch tape on the last time Keaontay Ingram was tasked in the workhorse role (putting up 5,000 yards at Carthage). Horns by a TD.
VY Pump Fake: Texas playing well kicks the SEC propaganda machine into high gear. Texas by one ‘looking ahead to their unparalleled conference slate” excuse. It just means more.
EPerezATX: Genuinely excited to see how LSU’s spread stacks up against Texas’ Cowboy package. It’ll be a good test to gauge the longevity of the attack before Big 12 play. Texas 45, LSU 35.
College football coaches can spend their offseasons however they please. For instance. Coach Brown clearly took up dance lessons (maybe from these LSU fans):
While Coach O hit the beach:
Coach O struggling with the running game already. pic.twitter.com/NxwPrQuwkQ— (@PShuck) July 13, 2019
This explains everything you need to know about the Aggies inferiority complex...