Forget the drapes at Horseshoe Bay and the ceiling fan fables. Forget if Urban’s wife has a burner Zillow account. Forget if Urban threw up the Horns or sported an orange tie on set. Picture a world where Tom Herman comes out for the Kansas Two Piece the next two weeks with the same quarantine shag as Samson Shaka Smart. Given what we know about the Wayne Rooney/Joe Biden level “follicle bump” that has clearly lifted coach Smart’s basketball boys to a top 5 team, it is only reasonable to assume replicable results.
So despite a raft of player opt outs, Turf Top Tom will stride into Manhattan like Frank Sinatra in the ‘60s and blow the roof off the place. 69-0, intentionally passing on the extra point to achieve the perfect score, winking directly into the camera. Heck, he might even try to go 2-0 the week after!
Alas, this is all but a dream. The timeline has not inverted into the blissful yesteryears of the dominant aughts, despite Colt McCoy in victory formation gracing screens across America last weekend. Even though they are riding a 4 game losing streak, like conspiracy theories of election fraud and Giuliani’s melting hairline, the Wildcats will not go quietly into the night. The violet valonqars, the purple players, the fighting Indigo Inigo Montoyas have been waiting over a month to tell us something we don’t know - they are not left handed. A taxing rope-a-dope to be sure, but the Horns better be ready for a Mike Tyson hook, lest Twitter descends upon Texas like Nate Robinson.
Anyway, we must bookend this with a firm retrenchment of the notion we are and always have been a long time basketball school. Longhorn fans aren’t fickle, really it’s the dishonest, liberal national media skewing the narrative. Everyone should really be more impressed by our modest success in football this year. It’s frustrating that they’re so willing to give other roundball rocking schools like Duke, Michigan, or Syracuse praise whenever they show the slightest semblance of football prowess, but when Texas struggles to make it out of the Big 12 midfield, it’s suddenly the end of the world. Long may the Shaka
era Hair-a reign.
Better Know a Roster
Ben Adler (Jr., OL) - “The Kansas Hammer”
Ben Sinnott (Fr., TE) - Two weeks in a row, we have a name that doubles as a commandment “Ben Sin not!”
Reed Godinet (Jr., DE) - ...and with a bit of British accent work, “Read God, innit”
Harry Trotter (Sr., RB) - ‘Arry Trot-ah. The only man on the KSU roster to run through the DQ drive-through. “Yer a Blizzard, Harry.”
Daniel Green (So., LB) - [in perfect Steve Irwin accent] “Crikey mate, the raeh frawnt raht tile. Laegend hahs ih’ thaese waent exteenct 30 yeahs agao!”
Nick Ast (Jr., QB) - “He Ast my dude”
Kaelen Shankle (Fr., RB) - You’ve heard of cankles? In Kansas they have Shankles!
Cooper Beebe (R-Fr., OL) - Tell me the former Big 12 Commissioner’s son doesn’t simp on girls pics like “wow gorgeous bb”
Riley Petz (Fr., WR), Jaylen Pickle (So., DT), Nelson Pipes (Fr., LS) - Alphabetically on the roster you get “Petz, Pickle, Pipes” and I am just far too immature to let that go.
Ekow Boye-Doe (So., DB) - You’ve heard of EMAW, but have you heard of EKOW? Even Klieman Owns Windbreakers.
Harrison Creed (Jr. OL) - Scott Stapp has really let himself go during the quarantine.
Cody Stufflebean (Fr., TE) - “Stufflebean stew” sounds like one of those unbelievably unseasoned midwestern ‘delicacies’
Just How White is the Big 12
There is a very natural transition from Stufflebean Stew to the true food ritual of the Big 12. Of course, we’re talking about White People Taco Night:
“Is the Big 12 really THAT white?” you may ask.
The national demographic breakdown sits at 73% white. We’ll call that the Line of De-Caurcasian. All but three Big 12 cities fall well above that threshold (and really, you argue that there are two very distinct Wacos and the campus and alumni of Baylor belong squarely above that line).
Oddly enough, Texas has basically gone in sequential order for their final four games:
- Morgantown, WV - 87.4%
- Ames, Iowa - 84.5%
- Manhattan, Kansas - 82.5%
- Lawrence, Kansas - 80.1%
I’m not entirely sure what to make of that data, but somehow, it seems bad for Tom Herman...
Now! That’s What I Call Moo-zik — Vol. 2.1
“Mary Jane’s Last Dance”, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers- The only thing more depressing than watching Sam Ehlinger’s last dance with DKR was listening to it while stuck in stop-and-go traffic on a 290 onramp heading out of Cypress, Texas. To hear Craig Way lose whatever faith he might have held onto leave his body as he called Punter The Kicker’s missed field goal was truly devastating. I turned the radio dial as quick as I could, landing on Sirius XM’s Yacht Rock channel. The rest of the drive home tasted like warm Mai Tai’s and broken dreams, or, as Urban Meyer calls it, a Tuesday in Horseshoe Bay.
“$ave Dat Money”, Lil Dicky (feat. Fetty Wap & Rich Homie Quan)- Samuel. Caden. Thanks, dudes, for sharing your prodigious talents with us. It’s been very cool. To those of you who find hate in your heart towards these two gentlemen for chasing a dollar after fulfilling a dream, I implore you, as you head to your night shift at Panera, to kiss every shade of ass. To quote the great American philosopher 50 Cent, “You ain’t no friend of mine, you ain’t no kin of mine.”
“Raise Up”, Petey Pablo- Somehow, some way, Texas Men’s Basketball is to UNC as KSU Purple Kryptonite is to Texas Football.
“My Own Worst Enemy”, Lit- Tom Herman’s go-to karaoke song. It’s his therapy, his mirror, his truth.
“Tuesday’s Gone”, Lynyrd Skynyrd- Keaontay’s gooooooone with the wind. Hegonetay Ingram, thanks for playin’. Godspeed. Hope you make it happen somewhere.
Intern Eli: In keeping with tradition, Tom will probably find an unexpected way to make me feel disappointed. Either in his inability to not squander talent or in his incessant, tireless pursuit of mediocrity under the guise of meritocracy. Texas 27, KSU 17.
VY Pump Fake: Everyone, chill out. We are not mathematically eliminated from the Big 12 championship. There are real Dumb and Dumber so you’re saying there’s a chance percentages still at play here. I mean, I watched the Texas Tech game didn’t you? It will be so very on brand for that 1 in a million chance to come through only for Texas to then lose in the BIG XII championship, having missed on the hiring window and any chance at resurrecting an early signing day class. It is 2020 after all. Texas squeaks this one out 28-27.
Kyle Carpenter: I have as good an insider source as anyone on any subscription site (please CashApp me $9.95) that CDC has already greased the palms of the Big 12 officials in the same way North Carolina did in the second half of the Maui Invitational of Asheville. They will ensure Texas loses this one, so that the state of Kansas can retire two consecutive Texas coaches. After the 24-21 Texas loss, Tom will go full heel turn and unleash on the refs, and by proxy the entire Texas Football apparatus like a crazed Bobby Boucher: